Dear Anita,

Thank you for everything. It has been an eye-opening experience for me.

Yes, you’re right in saying that I want to get out of this distress, but my mind is resisting the change it requires to get out of it. I had the perfect opportunity to get out of it by being with her, but I chose to stay in the misery to avoid the distress of a married life. Omg, it all makes sense now. I am afraid to get married – afraid of getting tied down. I can’t believe I let her go because I was afraid of getting married even though she was everything I ever wanted in a wife. I could have married my best friend.

I won’t make this mistake again, but how do I move past this regret? Any practical suggestion?

g

Dear Anita,

Yes, in the relationship, I would avoid confrontation by apologizing over the little things, like –

“I’m sorry I did not spend more time with you.” – even though I knew I had other priorities at that time.

“I’m sorry I did not come help you with the oil change.” – I was actually mad because this was such a small thing that she could have done herself but she got mad at me for saying no to her. In the hindsight, I could have been more understanding though.

Sometimes, she would act childish, and I would have to just bear it because I did not want to fight with her. In the hindsight though, I miss those times.

I can’t remember anything major at this time, maybe because there wasn’t anything major or serious or too big because we did not actually name our relationship as gf/bf.

All in all, in the relationship, there was nothing that wasn’t easily workable. I just wasn’t in the mindset to accept her. It might be because of my other priorities in life. As I mentioned earlier, I was and still going through another issue in my life. It has been over a year and half that the issue came to surface. I can’t discuss it online, but I will tell you that the issue was a life-altering situation that is still ongoing. Over these past year and a half, I went through depression, as well as weight loss, sleep loss, hairloss, appetite loss. I am still suffering from that. I might have made a different decision if I was otherwise happy in my life. Since, other aspects of my life weren’t that good, I subconsciously drove everything away that wasn’t a priority.

That’s the regret part – I should have made her my priority.

g

Dear Anita,

I have been told by some friends that I exaggerate my feelings. But I never believed them until you brought it up as well. I think I do sometimes lie. Perhaps habitually as well. I do not like conflict. I do not like to fight. So, I would rather say something that the other person wants to hear so I do not have to be confrontational. I very often apologize to people that I do not like just so that they do not walk out on me or argue with me. One of the examples is one of my current friends. We have been friends for long, but recently in the past 4-5 years, I came to know that he doesn’t always have the best interest of the other person. But, to mitigate my loneliness, I would very often just praise him falsely so he remains in my life. I have also been told by friends that I am overdramatic. Again, true. I think I make everything into a dramatic event.

But that is not to say that I faked my feelings for her. Those were genuine. I loved her (still do) with every molecule of my body (notice the dramatic use of words).  But I can’t help it. I just received a snapchat from her just now that says “Adios Philly”. It is creating a sinking feelings in my chest – a hollowness and pain. I do not know how else to describe it.

Everything boils down to this – I regret letting her go for no reason whatsoever. I literally had no reason to let her go besides that I was too blind to see the future together. Again, not exaggerating. I feel like I made a huge mistake and that I will never find someone like her. – not even close. She is wonderful.

g

Dear Eliana, and Dear Anita,

I’m feeling a little better again, but I had a question –

Am I a bad person for doing what I did?

Is my “mistake” from a good place in my heart or a bad one?

Basically, am I a bad person in general who doesn’t deserve to be with someone amazing? I’m just trying to figure out who I am!

g

and now I’m feeling better. Am I bipolar? or just strong-willed?

I just made myself feel better by realizing that I need to be the person I am looking for. In other words, the reason my previous relationships didn’t work was that I was never happy with my own life. I can’t expect someone to make my life better if I am not first satisfied with mine. So, the very thought of making myself a priority and doing the things to attain my goals made me smile after months.

This is what I need to work on –

1. career growth

2. work on the side business that I started months ago that got side-tracked because of job and other stuff

3. travel more and be adventurous – like I always wanted to but never got around to do

4. Eat healthy

5. workout

6. overall, be a best that I can be

This recent “mistake” made me realize that I would have never realized any of this if things get so ugly. I would have never realized what I wanted. I would have never accepted her in my life because I wasn’t open to it. No matter how hard she tried, I would have not let her in my life because I didn’t think about it that way. The reason being I never was fully satisfied with other aspects of my life – like career, business, self-worth etc. There was no way for me to realize what I want unless this whole mess happened. So, in a way, I do feel more alive. I feel more powerful at this moment. I feel like I need to focus on my life, my body and my mind first before I let anyone else walk through these tall walls I built around me. I need to redesign my life slowly first. I need to clear the clutter in my home and my mind and my body. I need to streamline my life first. I need to be happy with myself and my accomplishments first. I need to be satisfied first before I can truly accept the love from outside.

I have been very lucky in that I never had any shortage of love. I hope the next time it knocks, I hug it and never let it go…

The pain is unbearable!

Dear Anita,

Thank you for standing by my side. I am forever grateful to you.

I wrote a full paragraph answering your question “Can you do that?” and then I deleted it all, because I felt sorry for myself. I felt like a failure. So I will answer your question with brevity – Yes, i can and I will. It will hurt beyond belief but I have no choice but to accept.

Thank you again for still being here. I’m typing this as tears flow down my cheeks while my colleagues at work walk past me.

g