Hello,

My piece of advice to you, to deal with your ex and still maintain as much inner peace as possible, would be setting boundaries. There is only so much that is in our reach and in our control, such as your power and right to ensure your son’s physical well being, his schedules and his emotional health. What is not in your reach/control is your ex’s behavior, his gf’s behavior, and his gf’s son’s behavior. So, to maintain your inner peace, you use the tools you have in front of you to deal with the situation in the best possible manner.

I don’t know how old your son is, but whenever/if ever he is in his father’s care and gets hurt, you can teach him to call you or reach out to you, so you can pick him up and he can be in an environment that he is safe. It’s hard to know exactly what is going on over on the other side, and a lot of other details in the specific situation aren’t clear, so my best piece of advice to you would be that – work with your tools, and never nurture or feed into aggression or verbal abuse. When that is the response coming from your ex, you can give him your silence, and at most the space to have a mature conversation whenever he pleases, such as “It seems you are upset and I don’tt hink we can come to a solution right now. When you calm down, if you’d like to talk about the situation to ensure our son’s well being, please feel free to reach out. I am only looking for his best interest.

Hope this some how helps.
All the best!

Hey Courtney,

From what you’ve told, I think that a genuine friendship seems pretty much out of the picture, especially when in reality it seems as though you have second intentions and are using a “friendship” as an excuse to keep him around just in case he changes his mind about the possibilities of what you two might become. Although it may seem a little rash to tell you to just cut him out of your life, I do think you should listen to what he is telling you when saying he doesn’t want a “serious relationship”, even though it might hurt.

I particulary think it is a sign that he just isn’t that “in to you”. A person doesn’t suddenly wake up one day and say, “Okay, now I want a serious relationship, let me go find one”, they meet someone, connect, and enjoy spending more and more time with that person until it suddenly becomes serious, which doesn’t mean it becomes a burden (I feel as though men feel a serious relationshp equals a scary monster) – it becomes consistent and includes loyalty.

Since you have been involved for a short amount of time, I would say you have two options – either walk away, without fear, and with courage, and give yourself the chance to meet new pople, or simply have more time to get to know yourself, considering you do have the chance of getting hurt and are in dangerous territory since you obviously have feelings for him and expectations don’t seem to be aligned or, make sure you know how to step on the breaks of your feelings when they start intensifying, and take it easy with him if you are seeing no major red flags, in the hope that perhaps you two may build something together over time, simply enjoying eachothers company if it something the both of you enjoy and can handle with ease.

Wish you the very best.

Hi Rachel,

Thank you for sharing your experience. Not only is it good to have some different opinions on the matter, it is possible that other people (like myself) are going though a very similar experience and have interesting things to say to you. First of all, I am very sorry you had to go through such a rough time. Losing someone we deeply care for is extremely painful and when you add “betrayal” to the mix, the consequences are devastating, to say the least. Betrayal not only hurts, but it messes with our self esteem and in our confidence and security in ourselves. Because of someone else’s bad (and selfish) decision, we are left picking up the pieces and dealing with the very difficult consequences. It is something that truly scars, no matter what happens afterwards. Mostly, in my opinion, one of the things that make betrayal hard to face, is how it is something we would never be capable of doing, especially not to people we care about. It is hard to consider trusting and relying on someone who has had the selfishness and cruelty to hurt and humiliate us that way.

But one thing I can tell you with certainty, that anguishing pain will pass, even if it takes long. So be patient with yourself. Not only that, but be patient with the situation as a whole, and be selfish too. No matter what other people think or tell you, this is your life. I’m sure you understand why it is that your loved ones are against a possibility of your rekindling with him – it is because they love you and want to avoid the chance of you getting hurt again. However, only you are living your life, feeling your feelings, and facing the consequences of your decisions. So, when considering what to do, don’t put on that “extra stress”. Your loved ones want you to be happy, and if somehow you are able to find happiness with this person, they will be happy for you and adjust with time.

Now, the real question however is, is it right of you to go back to him? I don’t think there is a right answer here, but what the wise thing to do would be to predict all of the possible outcomes and if you are willing to risk getting hurt again. Is it worth it? Do you feel safe? Maybe you could allow him to bond with you, but not actually get back together. Like “friends” who are hanging out and spending time together (not hooking up obviously) and taking the time that is necessary so that you can feel secure and confident that this is really what is best for you. Sometimes I think we get “addicted” to relationships and don’t even know why we are in them any longer. We block out the pain that is stashed inside and only cling on to the happy and fun times and try to convince and fool ourselves that risks are necessary, even if the happiness associated to them are only temporary. Be patient and be calm and love yourself above loving him. Make healthy and wise decisions and don’t ever be afraid that if you don’t choose to be with him now, you may lose him again. If he wants to go because you are not running back to him like a silly pet, then I suggest you hold the door wide open and with a smile on your face. We fight for the things we want and we don’t let go so easily, your endurance and consideration for him are the perfect evidence to prove that, so now it is on his plate to decide how he wants to treat you and handle the mess that he made. It is not your job to clean it up and he is lucky if you even give him the chance to try and make things right.

I say be honest, but play the game with patience and intelligence. Don’t show him all the cards at once and make sure you get the love, attention and most of all respect that you deserve, because what he did was simply direspectful and very mean.

Embrace the feelings your heart is feeling, recognize them, acknowledge them, but don’t surrender to them, life isn’t based on emotions, there needs to be some rationality and coherence between our feelings and actions. Think about what you’re going through as if it was a friend you’d be giving advice to. There are no right or wrong or ready answers, we just have to be patient to deal with the material and information we are given, slowly. Be good to you and put yourself first, and only settle for what you truly deserve.

Lots of love!

Hello Kingmaker,

First of all, I feel for you. I know exactly what you are going through and it is really very exhausting, drains all of our energies and keeps our mind always focused and obsessed on one thing and one thing only, and sadly, that thing is: crumbs of love. I used to judge people who didn’t know how how to “value” themselves. My mother herself, after divorcing my dad, entered into an abusive relationship and brought the man into my home and my siblings and I would have to watch all of the drama and live in an unhealthy environment without any choice. He would be rude, be mean, be cruel, be abusive really and my mother would always forgive him, and couldn’t see anybody else who was involved in the situation (her own family). She just had to have him around (just like you described, it was almost like a drug she couldn’t live without). I used to judge and judge away – it was probably harder for me because I was in the situation and it was my mother I was dealing with, but I thought she was weak, she was selfish, she was immature and irresponsible, it took many years until she finally ended things with him (or maybe it got to the point where he was the one who ended everything, since she would always forgive), anyhow, those were years of her life that I think were necessary, and she learned a lot from the process – even so, it didn’t have to last for as long as it did, and that is only because, even though we can not contain the pain we feel, we can control how much we suffer upon it.

Speaking very honestly, how long do you intend to live your life this way? I think what you have to focus on right now, slowly, and at your own pace, is on the courage you need to have to make a real and healthy decision for your life, realizing that it will ultimately bring you the happiness you want and deserve in the future and also, on believing in yourself, on not giving up on yourself. You already seem to have some clarity as to how unsustainable your lifestyle is right now, so instead of daydreaming about texts and situations that don’t really exist, instead of rereading past texts and e-mails and holding on to shreds of what was once a relationship and is now over, why don’t you elaborate and analyze over and over again what exactly it is that you want and realize that what you have now is very far from it. While she is living her life with someone else and is happy and free from your relationship (maybe she hangs on to a few “shreds” of what once was because it is possible you have become a safe harbor and she wants to have a Plan B – I’m sorry if that sounds harsh), you are settling for crumbs? Stop giving her space to step all over you like that, is that the kind of person you want to be?

It is time to let go my friend. And that can only happen when you are honest with yourself and truly decide that is what you want. After that, you have to have courage and do a favor to yourself – block her messages so that you will know and have the security that you won’t recieve anything from her. What do you expect to recieve? Do you expect to live your life in “standby” mode? Let go alraedy.You want to live your life at someone elses disposal? Someone who has chosen not to be with you? Make your decision and fight for it, be brave, you have it in you. Have the courage to feel some pain that is inevitable when going through big changes, face your fears, and everyday believe in yourself and in how you can get over it. Make small little decisions everyday like “I am not going to look at my phone”, go crazy, cry, have a hard time – it will pass (the fact that while you wrote your post you checked on your phone twice, shows that you really aren’t making that big of an effort). Your effort needs to be bigger.

I wish you all the best!

Gabi

• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Gabriela.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Gabriela.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Gabriela.

@amatt I know the problem isn’t at all mine, but the advice you gave J was seriously probably the best advice I have ever heard from anyone (and I have a degree in Psychology). Would you mind giving me your e-mail address for some potential advice on my situation if it’s not too much to ask? Congratulations on your well balanced spirit, I am admired.

There’s nothing wrong with giving it a shot, reach out!

You should definitely call 911.