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PavelParticipantDid you feel demonic presence before that? Regarding your psychosis, when did it start happening â if itâs not too much to ask?
I am not sure when I first felt the “demonic presence” for the first time. Because of environment I grew up in. It was full of.. toxicity. Father was an alcoholic constantly beating my mother. Lot of bad energies since I was born.
But my psychosis started to happen after I have experienced death for the first time. It was also connected with love – something I have never felt to anyone before. I was falling in love with my best friend (girl) that time. And we also used some drugs, suprisingly.
What kind of relationship do you have with your brother today?
We don’t talk. At all.
He has his family – wife and a little kid.
PavelParticipantYes, better not to get involved deeper and try to resist the temptation to get in touch with him, because you know itâll only leave you hurt and crushed.Â
I said goodbye, I blocked him, now I need to.. lick my wounds. It is not easy. But he only made everything worse.
How is it now that youâre sober, are you still haunted by astral experiences?
I always were. As a little child, in my teens years, and even now, in my adulthood. Maybe more than ever before.
I see beyond my life. In a.. bigger meaning. I have to fight, never-ending battle against darkness that tries to consume my soul. Fortunately, there is a lot of light in there, so it is not easy to choke me. But sometimes, a demon with face of an angel cross my way and stab me in the back few times.
Sorry, if you expected more complex answer, but it is not something that is easy to describe. I feel devil’s presence when I have my psychotic attacks. He tries to silent me. Driving me so crazy hoping I lose myself forever.
It is kinda funny you call it Pandora’s box. I called it the same way in a certain chapter of my life.
PavelParticipantDear Anita,
I think in these dark times, we need to be as optimistic as possible. I believe it is the only way how to survive.
Sorry, I did not know you have personal experience with this kind of stuff. It is definitely something that leaves marks, after days, months, years, decades. It is not something I like to talk about, but I should learn to talk about it more if I want to have healthy relationships one day.
I am curious, on one hand you wrote that this man in your life is your destiny, but on the other hand, you âneed to get rid of people like himâ- do you mean that you need to get rid of .. your destiny?
I need to get rid of people like Lukas, my brother and some of my friends. Their energy is in discrepancy with my soul. They only take. Does not matter what – if my energy, drugs, or my body. They want to feed their urges and I need to find someone, who will put their needs on the same level as mine.
PavelParticipantDear Anita,
I am sure that there is a scientific explanation, and that you can read about it online. But I doubt that science can be stronger than your need to believe that the night with this man & conversation was destiny. There is a feeling of comfort for you, in this belief. I wouldnât want to argue against what brings you comfort.
There sure is. Maybe I will define this in the future. đ Science is a good servant, but bad master. There are things beyond our understanding. Describe love, for example. Is there any equasion for it? Don’t think so. Is there a theory, hypotese or something that proves on which factors people fall in love? Not sure. And if it is, it is probably a pice of crap. đ
Anyway, thank you for your reply. You gave me a little bit different point of view on the whole situation.
And honestly, you do not have to be sorry for me. Bad life experiences make us stronger. đ
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
Pavel.
PavelParticipantDear TeaK,
Yes. Similar life story, trauma, childhood negative experience is what connected us so fast. That’s probably the reason why I can’t get him of my head.. he is just an abuser. But, I am a giver. Healer. He only attacks. And takes.It is probably a good thing that we don’t talk that much anymore. I need to get rid of people like him. And trust me, there is a lot of fallen angels and demons around me these days..
But the truth is that getting involved in a relationship with people who remind us of our abusers is only going to re-traumatize us, and hurt us more.Â
Yeah, I have to agree with this. It was beautiful connection, but he ruined my world, my reality, my stability, in just few weeks. It probably does not look like it, but I am usually emotionally stable. Can not really.. feel much. And this was so real it broke my heart into pieces.
Have you worked on your sexual abuse trauma in therapy already?
I opened this topic with psychologist, who worked in England (I studied there and ended up at Mental Health Clinic). We gave it a lot of space. I cried a lot. But I think it is something I need to work on more in the future. Probably open that topic in a group during my therapist session on rehab.
Thank you, you really helped me to solve this mess somehow. At least a bit. đ
PavelParticipantIt was not normal, and your experience was not âbecause one personâ, Lukas, whose part in your life was very, very short, less than a month.
I have to disagree, because this person was with me when I started to “party”. We never talked much, but he was present. I was taking metamphetamine for a very long time, since end of August. Nobody did to me what he did during one night. Don’t tell me it’s just drugs.
This is destiny.
His brother died because of injecting metamphetamine, cancer and AIDS. He sees his brother in me. He was also bisexual.
My brother only used me as a sexual toy when I was a kid and he is definitely not straight, as I can say because I grew up with him and straight boy wouldn’t do what he did to me. So, he is probably pansexual.
We saw our brothers in each other. Drugs only made it more emotional. Brighter.
and drug-induced aphrodisiac qualities (increased sexual desire, pleasure, and behavior)
I also have to disagree. Since that day, I do not think about sex unless I have to, which is definitely not increasing sexual desire. More like.. decrease.
Itâs not that you âCanât sleep because of himâ
If it is not because of him, then please tell me some scientific explenation why is this still happening to me even when I am sober from 25 March.
PavelParticipantAfter he asked for your phone number, did he call you? And what happened then?
Yeah, he did. After my shift. He said that he is “currently solving himself and breaking up with his girlfriend”.
If we feel seen and understood by someone, it can make us massively attracted to them. You feel you might have some type of brotherly bond with him, you perhaps felt a certain âremembranceâ of your spiritual mission and purpose. All that could make him incredibly attractive to you.
Yeah, that sounds like a logical explenation of my feelings. Considering the fact that I can not (and don’t want to) imagine having sex with him, and I struggle with my own physical’s body urges. I need to let him go. But it’s really hard.
If youâd like to share some more about your life and the pain that youâve experienced, youâre welcome to do soâŚ
There is actually a little bit more of this story. After a week or so when we sometimes “chat” through social media, he called me what I am doing that night and if he and his girflriend and their other friend can come over to chill out and drink. I was not sure, but I let them in.
Their friend got so scared of energies that was present in my apartment, that she left to her home. His girlfriend wanted to beat me, punch me in the face. He had to calm her dawn.
They wanted quick explenation of my, his and her feelings, which I gave them. Told him – “I don’t love you, you are like a brother to me”. Then they started to making out in my bathroom. It was not exactly.. comfortable for me.
Have not seen him since that day. But he left me his ID card on my table, and we sometimes chat, even when now it is almost a week we did not change a word.
PavelParticipantDear Anita,
I am not even sure if I want to see him again in person. I love him, but his behaviour is messy. I know he feels something too – I am not stupid. But he is looking for simply pleasures – such as sex and drugs.
He started a fire inside of me, something that is burning even after a month and a half – we “oficially met” at the end of February. But we were seeing each other since I was 15 on every second party – he is from the same town as I am.
We had really intense conversation about our life storylines, favorite books and movies, drug and psychosis experiences (he has schizophrenia). We talked about life and death. About purpose and legacy. But we were on drugs. Metamfetamin.
We were texting like for next two weeks, and he suddenly blocked me everywhere. FB, Instagram,.. And after 5 days he just send me a message saying: “give me your number, I’ll call you”.
It was my last day of work that day.
He started a fire, massive explosion of emotions nobody did before and then he left.
I am going for a rehab in.. about one month from today. I need a big restart. It will take 3 months, but I am clean from everything except CBD and non-alcoholic beer.
Maybe it was not his intention to hit me so hard and change everything around me, but he did it.
I quit my job, slowly losing my apartment, my cat, my friends. Only because one person.
This is definitely not healthy type of relationship.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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