Hi Tee,

i remember instances where I was ridiculed or mad to feel inferior to my so called friends, I guess they had a more profound impact on me than I really thought. I think I let other people let me think I was low value, this is still the case now, if I meet someone new whether at work or socially I instantly think I’m the inferior person if that makes sense, I bite my tongue, agree with them, don’t speak my mind and hide my personality.

i have 2 older sisters and a younger brother, I was never bullied or anything by my sisters but I guess they sometimes babied me and maybe saw as their play thing. I do feel inferior to my siblings, they have all done well in life, both my sisters have families of their own. My younger brother has a good career and is financially sound and has a confidence about him that I envy.

yeah my ex sang my praises, another reason why I’m beating myself and thinking I lost something good. She did shy away from certain topics though, her debt, her daughter and kids. Maybe she bigged me up and showered me with praise to keep me rocking the boat. I do think she genuinely loved me which makes her making such a u turn even harder.

when we first got together she said she didn’t want kids and we should have worked that out there and then but it was early days and we liked each other so we ignored it. I brought it up maybe 2 years in again and she said she could see herself having a kid with me, but there seemed to always be a reason to delay it, work, new jobs and then marrriage.

Hi tee,

yeah I think I understand what you are saying about the critical voice, never really know how to access my inner child or where them wounds stem from, the way I think about and talk to myself has always been the same. Sometimes I have a high opinion of myself, like when I first left the relationship part of me was thinking I could find something better, I sometimes feel like that’s a bit narcissistic or even self sabotaging because I know the end result when things don’t work out or go wrong is how I’m feeling now and the low opinion of myself. I feel like sometimes I build myself up so I can watch myself fall and almost like subconsciously I need the misery if that makes sense. I know it’s not healthy and this mindset is scaring me at the moment as this is the lowest I’ve ever felt, and I’ve never beat myself up or had negativity this powerful about myself before.

I am trying to notice and challenge my thoughts but it is hard, even when I try to focus on positive stuff like building myself back up and working on myself the critic tries to knock me back down by highlighting my failures and at the moment is repeatedly telling me that my ex has sailed off into the sunset with someone much better than me.

I think I will try journaling maybe getting all the nonesense down on paper will help me realise it’s not the whole truth and that I have worth. I will try observing my thought patterns like you said and try and be more tuned in to how I speak about and to myself and try and start challenging the negatives.

Hi Tee,

thanks again for the big reply and trying to get me see the bigger picture. I’m trying to accept it’s done although I’m still in the ‘maybe there is still a chance’ way of thinking which I know is quite sad. Just beating myself up a lot and I’m so angry at myself cos I feel I should have done more to save us and that I sabotaged something good. I know I’m probably looking at her through rose tinted glasses at the moment, and it is heart breaking that she has already found a connection with someone else after telling me she didn’t want to date and wouldn’t find a connection like ours in May. I still can’t think about being with someone else. I had a date last night and she was a pleasant enough girl but I knew I was only there because I knew my ex was with someone and I was comparing the poor girl to my ex all date. I know I need get my head straight before starting anything serious, I just keep thinking my ex found someone better than me already.

I appreciate all the words of wisdom and if you are willing to chat more about my issues I would greatly appreciate it.

I do regret my decision, I left originally because we had got engaged but she was cagey around debt she had, and although never denied having debt was reluctant to go into details, but I thought we should have all cards on the table money wise. The other bigger issue was I always wanted kids, my ex came around to wanting a kid with me during the course of our relationship. She has a daughter who is 15 now but she has lived with my partners parents since she was two. When we first met my ex said this was just till she had her career on track then her daughter would move in with her (her daughter was 8 when we met). The living arrangements never changed during the course of our relationship even when we moved in together her daughter never stayed over or even visited unless my exes parents came around. They never had a mother daughter relationship and when I tried to get her to open up to the reasons for this and why she never seemed to want to improve the relationship with her daughter she closed off or got upset. This bothered me because I felt there was more to the story and wondered if she did really want a child with me when she didn’t seem to want to improve the relationship with the daughter she had. I tried many times over the course of our relationship to get her to open up, when we first started seeing each other I invited her daughter to come out places with us to get to know her, which she did a few times but then it stopped, my ex said it was because her daughter didn’t want to go or that my exes parents wouldn’t let her, again adding to my confusion around the dynamics.

I love her and miss her incredibly and I know she is a good person, I have never judged her on her past but I just felt there was unanswered questions especially around her daughter that she didn’t want to talk to me about. I only ever wanted to understand so I could either support her or help her navigate the situation.

since the split all the focus was on my actions and behaviour like pushing her away and the on off, and I am not condoning some of my actions and I do regret hurting her, in my head everything I was doing was for the greater good and bigger picture but because we didn’t leave each other alone, neither of us were dealing with or processing the things we needed to work on to move forward. I should have communicated better, said from the get go I need a few weeks or a couple of months no contact to get my head sorted and she could do the same but we didn’t, we were always drawn back to each other.

I always thought we would end up together because we had problems to sort but we loved each other and had an amazing connection. It hurts that she said she would never find that connection again a few weeks ago but has suddenly met someone who has made her forget all about it.

Hey Tee,

yeah this definitely correlates with me never speaking up for myself or asking things I felt I shouldn’t, this has been an issue throughout my life, I go with the flow or comprise myself and my thoughts to please others. I think early on in our relationship I don’t want to press her because of how much I liked her and didn’t want risk a break up, but this snowballed into me holding onto questions and topics we should have been discussing.

Thanks again for all the help Tee,

I think I struggled to open up to my parents through almost thinking how I was treated by my so called mates was normal behaviour maybe or maybe I was a little embarrassed to bring it up, whether through not wanting my parents to think there was a problem or me not wanting them to see I was having a problem. There were times my parents would pick up on things and would say such and such is not a good friend and they would sometimes not like some of my friends so maybe they picked up on some bits.

In the relationship, yeah I feel better for bringing everything up in some respects I suppose I’m having trouble dealing with the aftermath now, again feeling guilty for what I set in motion and guilty that I left and hurt my partner. I also get triggered by social media posts about guys who don’t appreciate the girl they had and lose them and how the girl is better off without them, so I guess I take this on myself as I have given up and I’m the bad guy. I think if I’m honest her relationship or lack of one with her child has always bothered me, or at least the fact she has never fought harder to be involved, but you’re right, now I feel guilty like I should be more understanding and accepting and it was my fault she never felt safe enough to open up. I do feel guilty for leaving and maybe it’s that guilt that is making me keep going back, like I need to make up for it, but then the issues why I left are still there.

Hey Tee,

I suppose my friends would be classed as frenimies, they were friends until it suited and yes there would be name calling or ridicule, they were the type of friends who built them selves up by knocking someone else down.

I’m not sure what the best play in terms of my partner is, I miss her and wish I had handled things differently from the get go and avoided this messy on off situation. Family say I should leave it and move on but they aren’t in it I guess. If she opened up about her child I think it would be a big step. I just worry the damage is done to the relationship and we couldn’t repair. I don’t know whether to reach out to her or not as I don’t want cause either of us anymore hurt, but at the same time am I throwing something good away.