Thank you to all of you!
I have already resolved to step away from the situation, note I said situation, not son 😀 Being here and letting it out, receiving so much love, care, guidance and understanding has helped me come to grips with the decision I inadvertently had to make. I sent my son an email this morning, telling him I loved him and that I would be here to cheer for him when he’s ready to make a change for a better in his life, that he could still come and share his life with me, but that I will no longer support him in what he is doing (not doing) with his life.
His step dad doesn’t want to kick him out, but we both realize that it might be the only option. I have carefully weighed whether or not I would take my son into my house/life and let him live with me and the answer is “no!” I do have my 13 year old to worry about, he deserves to have a peaceful and happy mother. He deserves to have my full attention and care and that has been distracted by the problems of his older brother.

It is very frustrating, heartbreaking and ever so hopeless to stand by and watch your child destroy his life when you know he’s capable of so much more, he is so very intelligent but has been swallowed up by this addiction and his self-destruction, I know it sounds dramatic because no “indigestible” substance is involved however, there is an array of addictions people are suffering from and they are not all necessarily drug and/or alcohol related.
I realize that he’s lashing out at me because I am saying “no” because I am saying “enough is enough” I am stopping his bantering and he realizes that his “tantrums” no longer have power over me.
Again thank you from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate all the kind words, words of wisdom and caring.
Matt, my photography is going real well, if only I could figure out how to post images I’d do it in a heartbeat because I have plenty to share 😀

Thank you for your responses Matt and memm, I really appreciate them! They make my heart softer because it is hurting and has somewhere lost a little compassion toward the situation (not my son) having dealt with depression myself I know how hard it is to climb out of that shell and move forward.

I have to agree with memm about video games, they are great as a way to relax from work/school what not, but they are not great if that’s all you ever do with your life considering that he is 3 years away from turning 30, that his stepdad will not let him live under his roof for much longer and considering that my son has talked himself into being a victim of so many things.
How do you help someone who doesn’t want the help from you on the outside? On the inside, his lashing out and temper tantrums, Matt said it perfectly, I just never looked at it that way because physically he IS a man just mentally probably not so much.
His video gaming started in highschool, then it was much more controllable by removing the computer and/or restricting his access to it. Nowadays it’s almost impossible to live life without a computer especially with the interest my son has, which is computers.
I don’t know how to go about getting him to soften up toward me, his tantrum is on-going and hurtful and honestly I can only take so much, I have tried different ways, stepped away completely, let him do the talking, but I keep getting empty promises and lies to cover up his gaming or the time he spends on the computer watching TV, watching videos.
For the past 3 months I have not lived with him under the same roof, he’s told his sister that he feels like I have abandoned him even though I only live 5 minutes away. His life has not changed in almost 10 years, in the past 10 years he’s been in school off and on, worked for maybe 6 months and has spent the rest of those years barricaded in his room, by himself, to himself seeking electronic entertainment to escape reality and that’s where my disagreement with memm comes in. I have no problems with gaming or watching tv, but if it is imbalanced, if it interferes with you succeeding in your life, if it threatens to leave you homeless then it’s become a problem, I also believe that it adds to the depression, by escaping reality like that, by sitting doing nothing other than playing, yes it engages the mind but….. you are then not productive which in turn doesn’t make you feel good about what you have or haven’t accomplished.

How do you help a person that a. doesn’t know how to ask for help (is too proud to) b. rejects any effort for help and lashes out and throws fits of rages (he uses every reason to be mad at me as a reason to stay mad at me and just another validation to proof he’s right) and last but not least how do you deal with that pain and suffering when you yourself have a full plate, a 13 year old to raise and are kind of lost in the grand scheme of things yourself?

He has no real life friends, he NEVER goes any where, has gained a lot of weight over the last few years so he’s physically very unhealthy, he does not have a girlfriend and he has a very poor personal hygiene. His stepdad, his biological father and myself are very worried about him, but I do know that if his stepdad, whom he lives with for the time being, kicks him out on the streets then all hell breaks loose and then I have to decide whether or not I will be there to pick him back up and at what costs? My heart tells me yes of course I will always be there for him, my mind says otherwise, my mind tells me I need to protect myself and my 13 year old son no matter what.

He has refused all help to seek counseling, said that he will do it himself, in a way he’s on drugs, he needs gaming and electronic entertainment to fill whatever needs he has escaping reality and in the meantime life goes on around him and will affect him no matter how much longer in denial he stays.

So I am at a crossroads with him, I hurt for him, I want him to come out of this ok, I can’t fix him, he needs to do the work to get better and no one is wanting bad things for him, we are not rushing him (that might be a small part of the problem) but if he’s unwilling to talk to people and accept help and work on what needs to be worked on then I am at a loss. I can’t offer my help and keep getting rejected, I have done this for many years, but now thing have gotten progressively worse.
I cry for my child, he is my child, that will never change, he hurts I know this, but I can’t get through to him and almost feel like I need to disappear from his life in order for him not to be agitated, but that isn’t reality either is it?!

Sean’s and Matt’s responses touch the bottom of my heart, I am reduced to tears as I am reading this. Never have I thought about myself in such a way as you describe, never felt deserving? Especially now when there is still some guilt. I am not sure if I feel regret, probably a little bit, it comes and goes in waves as does my ability to cope with that and the loneliness.

I don’t wish my ex ill, he’s a good man, just not a very good husband, he’s trying to be a father to my children now and tries to make up for 16 years of absenteeism, it’s not working out too well for him because the kids are resentful toward him and I am trying to get them to see that it’s never too late to try and make a mends, never too late to try and build a relationship with them and that they should just give him a chance. It might not be the relationship it could have been had he been there for them all of this time, but at least it would be a relationship of some sort.
The way he went about it in the beginning of our break-up was all wrong, wrong way to go about it and wrong timing. You see, my two older kids are from a previous marriage and the ex and I agreed to raise all 3 of my children as best as we can. He just never showed up even when his only biological child was born. He made appearances but was never really there for either of them, he supported them financially in terms of providing a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs but no other efforts were made outside of that. Not even when their biological father fell of the face of the earth for 6 years and left me with the remnants of my children’s’ resentment, anger and sadness.
After our split up, he’s quite affluent, working in the medical field, he then started, what appeared like, “throwing his money” around, he bought my daughter, not his biological child, a car, bought all 3 kids cellphones and such trinkets. These are things he could have provided before all of this happened, so the timing was just really way off and I still question his motives… So there’s even more resentment and a suspicious mind on my part, we haven’t spoken but a few words since I moved out 2 months ago, most of our communication goes through email and even that very little. I know I need to improve on that but right now I have to concentrate on other things in my life for example getting myself healed and better, be there for the kids, sort through my own life and figure out what I am going to do with the rest of it and how to cope with loneliness which seems to become easier as the days go by, but then I have my youngest son every other week with me and that helps a great deal.

Again thank you for your very touching responses, Matt I have to print yours out because it’s quite amazing, the love and care I am reading through your words are just so very touching, the support I am receiving here despite my short comings, the non-judgmental responses, it’s all new to me and it’s something I have to digest. I didnt think such kindness existed any more.
Happy holidays and, yes it’s cliche, but JOY to the world and each and everyone of you!

Love,
Dee

Wow Sean…..
Please don’t apologize for letting it “hang out” seems as though you needed it 😀

Your comment “However unless we can love ourselves we will always come from the position of “do as I say …not as I do…”. and if we wouldn’t except that principle from anyone else , then why do we expect that from others…” kind of struck a cord with me simply because I don’t practice what I preach with my children, especially not with my 13 year old. I have never thought of self-love in an unselfish matter, was always told to give to others, be a good person, give more to others, sacrifice, give all that you got and so I did…. including most of myself to the point of not knowing who I am any more, what I want, where I am going and why. If someone were to ask me who I am today, this very moment, the only word I could use to describe myself is “parent” I know I used to be so much more….

I read a book the other day “Love Yourself: The Secret Key to Transforming Your Life” it is very short but tells you to look into the mirror every day, several times a day and say “I love you” out loud, whisper it, grind it through your teeth but say it. Do it as often as possible. The very first time I was embarrassed to look at myself and grind those words through my teeth, when I finally did it I cried. I have been trying to say these words to myself every time I go to the bathroom and look into the mirror. Its gotten a little easier to say but no less awkward and still a bit embarrassing, not sure if it’s the right word for it. So I shy away from going to the bathroom….

Thank you for your response and your out pouring, I hope it made you feel a little better. I don’t mind at all and it most certainly did not detract in any way from what and how I feel, on the contrary, it did make me feel less alone. Realizing that I am not alone on this journey no matter how alone I often feel is a good thing in the sense that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and do the work to get myself better and I feel maybe, I can do that by supporting other people while working on myself. Perhaps I need to write down a plan, what’s important to me in my immediate life, what do I need to do for myself and my children in this very moment to be happy or I should say happier and what do I need to do to continue to grow and learn to love myself, learn to appreciate who I am and the good qualities I have and work on reducing my less desirable traits.

Again thank you for sharing your journey!
Hugs,
Dee

Hi Sean, thank you so kindly for your response and kind words!

Much of what you are saying about negative habits as well as abuse rings true for myself and my former husband. And perhaps you are right about the unconsciously faking til you make it, I never thought of it that way but I suppose I sound more chipper than I actually feel.

Today doesn’t start out too bad or I should say, today starts, I am in a good mood, ask me next week when I don’t have my son with me for an entire week except for Christmas Eve. I am a native of Germany and our important Christmas day is Christmas Eve. The kids will be over that entire day to celebrate with me, so that’s a real good thing at least I get to keep one tradition 🙂 after that it really is a crap shoot. I will be by myself again and that’s where I struggle the most because I had focused so much on the kids, the house, the husband for so long, my sense of self it gone. A few losses throughout the years made life a bit harder and have changed the person that I am.
I used to express myself through photography and every day I didn’t shoot was a wasted day for me, now I hardly ever pick up my camera any more. I really miss it but am lacking the energy right now to make an effort to go out and shoot. There’s that self-pity again, one of my really loud inner demons haha

Hugs to you Sean and a heartfelt thank you for your response

Thank you Al and you are right, we are nothing but imperfect, I am the eternal perfectionist and am starting to learn to let go of that as I am trying to achieve something that is unachievable.
Self-forgiveness is a hard one to learn and do, because there is still a little regret and I can’t let go until the regret is gone or worked through, it’s a slow process.

Lulu motivated me to look into kayaks, it’s something I have been thinking about doing again for years now and never really looked into it, now I have no attachments other than to my 13 year old and myself. I looked into kayak storage and found a real nice inflatable kayak which I can keep in my townhouse 😀 for next week I am going to see if I can get enrolled in a beginner’s class because I am very very rusty.
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and kindness. I am very afraid of being judged, had very hard, downright abusive physically and mentally and very judgmental parents, hence I beat myself up a lot and more than I should, I have gotten really good at it. It’s also something I am working on stopping. A lot of work to do, it’s a bit overwhelming…. but I gotta start somewhere right!?

Thank you so much for your response Lulu.
I have yet to learn to make myself happy because I still struggle with forgiving myself for my short-comings.

A kayak sounds like something I need, in fact, I have talked about it for years, getting back into a kayak, did that in my 20’s. But for years I let myself go and didn’t take care of myself. This year has been a year of major changes. I quit smoking 5 and half months ago, lost 71 pounds since May, got “divorced” and am now on my own. I don’t like being alone, it’s the first time in 26 years that I have been alone. I think I also have the tendency to feel sorry for myself and I really dislike self-pity. I need to get back into my photography and again that’s were the lack of self-motivation comes in.
I used to be a very social person, keep up with my friends, when I met my ex 17 years ago, he’s very anti-social and withdrawn, I fell right into his pattern and became accustomed to not having my friends in my life on a regular basis. At my age I wouldn’t even know where to go to start a new social circle and honestly I am not sure if that’s what I need right now, I am confused and quite a bit lost, not quite sure where to start and how and have just kind of been living day to day.

The kayak idea sounds amazing, but I live in a townhouse and wouldn’t know where to store it haha, probably wouldn’t look so good in my living room because I would get a 2 person kayak so I can grab my 13 year old and drag him with me 😀

I also wish you the best from the bottom of my heart and thank you so much again for your kind response!
Dee