Dear Anita,

These past few days have been difficult. I feel like crying and very tired. Sometimes I have to ask my daughter for help since I feel so strange and confused. She said she thinks that I am going through some kind of change. I guess I am struggling to get rid of my old way of thinking.

I keep going to work as usual, I talk to people as usual and try to be brave. The baby elephant you told me about comes to my mind, old thoughts and sensations come to my mind – But I think I am going to make it – I hope.

You mentioned timeline requirements – and that’s exactly how I feel – I feel like I have to meet a deadline all the time.

Of course I have many of them, but the feeling goes beyond meeting deadlines at work. It is a kind of sense of urgency.

So, I take a breath, calm down, drink a lot of water, and keep going.

Thanks for listening!

Flávia

Dear Anita,

Here’s more of my story. My mother died at the age of 31 years old and she left four children. Two girls and two boys. I was 8 and my youngest brother only 18 months old. My dad was always very affectionate to us but he got really depressed and we moved into my grandmother’s house so she could help him take care of us. After 2 years, my father married an old friend of my mom’s. Her name was Lucia. She was absolutely different from my mom. She was very serious and played only with my youngest brother, because he was a baby. My mother had a great personality, liked sports and was very cheerful. I know this not only from my memories but also from the stories my grandparents and my father told us. Unfortunately, back then, in the seventies, there was no way to detect a brain tumor like the one she had. So, after my dad’s marriage we went to a new home with a new mom and everything collapsed. We found out that in spite of the fact that we all tried to please her, to show affection to her, Lucia was very strict about everything and she’d hit us when she thought that we deserved. My dad worked a lot, so when he got home he was told about who did what and that was all. I remember crying a lot because I could do nothing – when she hit my brothers. As I grew up, I became like a second mom to my little brother and we just love each other a lot, until today.

As a teen, I started to spend more time at my grandpa’s house ( my mom’s father) just to escape from Lucia’s criticism. She was always telling us how to dress, how to study, how to have good manners. It wouldn’t have been all bad if she considered that we were learning. It was like this: she would tell me to wash the dishes or sweep the floor and I would do it. Then she would “inspect” the job and find a flaw. And there was always one – or more.

One day, I was about 12 years old, an old friend of my mom’s visited us and she told my father that I looked so much like my mom, that I smiled like her and other things. I  noticed that my stepmother didn’t like that comment. From that day on, I started to “connect” things – if my father was talking to me or helping me with my homework she would do something to occupy him, like she needed him to do something for her. She kept targeting everything I did and by the time I was 18, my dad thought it would be better for me to move to my grandpa’s house, as he was very sad with the remarks she made all the time about me. He told me the whole situation hurt him. By that time, my brother was studying in another town, my sister was busy in a technical course and kept to herself in her room, and the youngest still a teen. Lucia was very interested in being a wife, but not a mother.

On the day of my wedding, Lucia told everybody in the house that she knew my marriage was going to be a failure. At the church, she sat in the last row. My dad was left alone in the first row with other relatives. My marriage started well and I was confident that everything would just be fine. Along the way, however, the relationship fell apart. I guess I repeated one thing: I was “used” to try to please a difficult person, to try to get his attention and love.

My dad passed away in 2011 and I went home for some days. She asked me then to forgive her – and told me she knew she was very hard – cruel even – to all of us. I told her all was forgiven. The next year, she began to show symptoms of dementia and conversation is now impossible.

Looking forward to our next conversation,

Flávia

Prakhar and Erin,

Thank you so much. I’ll write to you soon. I’ll be back tomorrow.

Flávia

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your answer.

I guess now is the time to think things through and the more conscious I am of the processes the better. So, yes, I colaborated for the situation in my marriage, since I felt so bad but kept postponing a decision. It took me some time to understand that his way of acting was because he didnt really love me anymore – not only because of his emotional problems. He had an abusive, violent father, sometimes got really depressed but never went to get prefessional help.

It hurts still – to remember how tied up I was – and I blame myself for letting the situation last as much as it did . One day, my daughter asked me ” Mom, why don’t you divorce him?” And I answered at that time that I didn’t have the necessary strenght.

I had reached a point where the only thing I could do was cry. But when I realized that it was over, I told him to leave the house and that was it. I have no regrets. I am at peace with my decision.

So what now? I think I’ll keep trying to change this mental habit and keep my eyes really open in case some guy comes along. What about meditation? Can it help me?

Flávia