thanks for all of your comments.

we have two small children so that is why i am attempting to reconcile with him and work things out.

the affair is over. he is remorseful and we are attending marriage counseling. his pride still gets in the way. he thinks that by not telling me the whole truth he is protecting me when instead he is protecting himself.

i am working on empowering myself. understanding that yes, i cannot control him or lots of things in our marriage. i can only try to work on myself, being a supportive wife and a good parent to my kids. it is hard. i am not at the forgiveness point. we have a long way to go. but working on finding acceptance… that bad things happen in good marriages is what i seek. i dont accept that my marriage was. i believe, as he has said, he was depressed/angry and he sought out a damaged person to act that our with. its frustrating. i would have never done that to him. that’s the painful part.