hi there:) i can find myself so much in your story!!! my mother left my biological father and he never cared about me, either. he is very rich, but did everything in order that he is only forced to pay the minimum alimony. when i was 3 years old (he lives on another continent), he called and lied to me, that he is about to visit me. i was waiting for weeks. it hurts so bad only thinking about that. how can one be so cruel to his own child? i have met him for the first time when i was 21 years old and i think he is in general a very, very bad person and i am thankful that my mother left him. still, i am so scared of being abandoned by men, or laughed at. my stepfather, whom i met when i was 3 years old did also do me harm regarding my relationshsips to men. he never accepted me, made me feel stupid and inferior many, many times.
most of the time i can accept myself (i am very proud of it, since it was so hard work to get to this point). But i still do have very, very bad days. when i meet a nice guy i treat him badly, because, unconsciously i guess, i think it´s better to be left for something you are not, than rather for your true self. of course, this is no solution. then, i am also atrracted to guys i don´t even know and probably never will. i imagine a life with them and get lost in day dreams. i feel soo ashamed for this and i have never told anyone. i think, i´m dreaming of a prince charming fairytale-style, because i want a man to come up to me and tell me, that i am fine the way i am. that i am lovable. everytime i get rejected, whether for my true self or my bad behaving self, i feel hurt deep down in the roots of my identity. at the lowest points i even think, that maybe i have a gene or something that makes me akward in the eyes of guys. i am soo scared to stay alone and to never have children and a family. that is one of my biggest goals in life. what even hurts me more (i do have experiences with guys, still, not that much as my peers) is that a friend of mine told me, that guys dont come up to me cause i´m tall and blonde and they might think i am a slut anyways. thats so unfair, because i wish so badly to have somebody to love, hug and share time with…