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Lightsource,
First and foremost, my sympathies for this trying situation. It can be frustrating and devastating to have what it appears to be someone who cannot make up their minds in having a long-term relationship with you. I understand the feelings of seeming inadequacy, but I am happy that you have the resilience to not believe this. Before you decide to move on, is there something you can learn in spite of this roller coaster? If he seems to be an impulsive person who did not like to plan ahead, that seems to be the first red flag, as a marriage is a commitment that requires more planning ahead and less impulsiveness (could you imagine his fathering techniques?). It appears that you were ready for a long and fulfilling relationship, and he possibly had doubts jumping into the same ship. Although the feelings of being afraid is natural and understood, the first person he should have talked to is you. No matter how you slice it, I feel that he handled the situation very immaturely with his subsequent actions, and that is no fault of yours. Examine the situation, your emotional responses of anger and resentment, was that truly stemmed from what you feel is a weakness of yours and yours alone? Or were these simply a reaction to his poor behavior? I wouldn’t recommend allowing anyone to have power over you by making you feel as though you must be “cool and collected” while they are misbehaving. Anyone would have reacted the same way. Forgive yourself, but I don’t feel I have to tell you that you can’t force someone else to grow (which would be a chore anyway). If you’d like to focus on controlling explosive reactions and channel them in a more calm and assertive way, there are lots of resources (and can catch many off-guard if they know they are misbehaving, they can’t use the “its YOU that’s the problem! Look at how you’re acting!” excuse anymore.)
Now, it is a good exercise to meditate and reflect on some seeming weaknesses that you may have before seeking out another relationship. Re-examine why you want a family, why you want a long term relationship. Is it for the right reasons? Or because you feel the slow creep of time? We as humans tend to see less clearly while under pressure, we give up needed examination in favor of shortcut solutions to make the perceived time crunch. I feel that this same mechanism can cause us to make not so great mate choices or miss subtleties that could have sent a message saying, “this trait is going to be bothersome later, let’s talk about it now.” If a similar situation arises again and you are pit against the same traits of impulsiveness from your partner, as fun as it might be in the moment, I would take the opportunity to explore why they are like that; more often than not people will give you insight on who they are if they are simply asked. This is a good way to anticipate how this is going to match up with your future goals and plans.
Best wishes.
Tim,
Your notion of “the one” appears to be based on unrealistic expectations. Judging from the anecdote you’ve provided, your feelings of limerence becomes stronger when you both are in the throes of emotional drama but weaken when you face the realities of a long term relationship. You may have confused pangs of emotions such as desire for what is practical and tangible, and the thought of the future threatens those flood of emotions. Do not confuse feelings of jealousy for authenticity, that is a primitive territorial habit over things that we think “belong to us”. I don’t believe it is a “fear” of commitment, as it is encouraged for you to seriously re-examine what actually constitutes a real and healthy relationship and if that is what is suited for you at this point in your life. Have you perhaps been involved in a conflict habituated relationship with your ex (i.e., make up and break up cycles)? If so, it is advised to seek ways to break out of that habit, as its clouding your judgment and will poison future relationships. Authentic relationships require a lot of work, and those feel-good dopamine floods of desire, lust and ecstasy is unfortunately short-lived and require creativity to spark. This may sound harsh but no person is going to be able to provide feelings of ecstasy forever, those feelings will fade, and perhaps that is what scares you. So you play the make-up and break-up game to regain those lost emotions, which is ultimately destructive not only to you, but to Lou’s self-esteem; this is not fair to her if it is true that she seeks an authentic connection. You seem to acknowledge this, but continue to be carried away by your whirlwind emotions; why?
Do not rationalize why you tend to follow impulsive emotions over everything by reaffirming Lou’s good qualities; it can be very insulting to her. She may be thinking, “Well if you think I’m so great, then what gives?” Do not place that burden on her. Check yourself, ask yourself why it is the way you are. Perhaps your brain chemistry requires a lot of feel-good emotions to keep up relationship happiness, if thats the case, I suggest that you think up date ideas that provides as much novelty for you as possible and a match that is willing and able to keep up. Maybe take up a hobby that you can branch out to your relationships, such as hiking or mountain climbing, as the exercise and the inherent potential danger (excitement) can create a healthy emotional outlet for your needs.
Best wishes.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 