Hi Kevin,

Here’s my story: I first started smoking marijuana in high school; my older brother did it, my boyfriend did it, it was very common around my school. I found it allowed me to take myself less seriously, it opened up the world in certain ways, I felt less self-conscious, more chill, less anxious, it allowed me to feel more silent in nature. However, once I began smoking more regularly, I noticed I was becoming dependent on the drug to make me feel alright (less anxious, more calm, more connected, less in my head). This habit continued throughout the first two years of college, and was accompanied by the use of other psychedelic drugs.

I took LSD a few times, but what really got me going were magic mushrooms. They were so filled with wisdom (as seen in the Aztecs and in other cultures), and brought me to realizations I never imagined being able to reach on my own. I felt that all the spiritual knowledge I was seeking was in the mushrooms. I liked how they allowed me to be myself, to feel present and accepting of all things, to feel my self-importance shrink to the size of a pin-head, to feel connected to nature, and to feel like a child again, innocent, pure, curious, eyes wide open. I was deep in the belief that magic mushrooms, and other natural psychedelic drugs, were going to be what brought me to realization.

In my first year of college, I attended a free meditation workshop on campus. The woman who spoke said things about meditation that resonated with the truths and understandings I had learned in shroom trips. I felt she knew something I didn’t know, that most people didn’t know; she had real, grounded awareness; she was a monk. I continued to attend her workshops and ask her advice about my life. Through our conversations, I began to see and accept (although I was resistant at first), that although I was in a beautiful state of consciousness while experiencing the substances, as soon as they wore off, the state of mind would also wear off, and I’d be back in my unhappy ego until I took another substance. With some of these experiences, I was able to retain and hold onto some of the insights, but more often than not, the insight would slip away. Additionally (this took me even longer to see and accept), these substances were wearing down my body and mind (creating holes in my subtle physical body); while sober, I would feel increasingly confused and air-headed, and I couldn’t stand my ground (which resulted in some unfortunate circumstances of people taking advantage of me). I struggled with the thirst for immediate spiritual insight (through drugs) and continued to take drugs, although less often. I found that they did not feel as good as they used to, that when I took them, I was stuck on that level of consciousness, and unlike in meditation, I could not go to higher states (unless I took more drugs). I stopped smoking marijuana because it made me feel numb, I stopped taking shrooms because they made me feel loopy.

I dropped out of university (one of the best in the US), and took some time to reassess my life.

Now, I am back in school, and haven’t consumed psychotropic substances in a year. My friend whom I loved dearly just passed away last week (his body was found in a lake); he was taking a lot of psychedelic drugs. I knew him as an old soul, a spiritual seeker, like me. I see how my life could have easily gone like his, and I am so grateful that it didn’t. Psychedelic drugs, while opening up my view of the world, while providing me with insights and beautiful experiences, will not bring me to enlightenment.