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March 23, 2017 at 6:35 am #141333WendyParticipant
Anita, Craig, Inky,
Thank you so much for your time in reading and replying.
Anita – I guess you’re right. This person feels parental neglect very deeply, and the only way to getting attention from them was to show anger/throw a tantrum/accuse them of not caring.
Inky & Craig – I see what you are getting at. There is no excuse for abusive behaviour. This person is from my very close family and cutting them off is rather hard. I haven’t limited the interactions with them because I do feel a sense of obligation to try and fix something…anything I can do.
Inky – it’s a woman. As I read the “he(she?)” you typed, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. If a man treated me like this, I would have easily seen it as abuse then and there and ended the relationship. Because it is a woman and it is close family, I am having trouble choosing between me and a sense of duty towards them. (No, it’s neither a parent nor child)
September 30, 2016 at 8:16 am #116746WendyParticipantHi again Anita,
My boyfriend and I had a loooong talk and he said it was all in good humour. This friend of his has been around from childhood so apparently, they share a no-holds-barred camaraderie. I am a bit uncomfortable with building up a similar relationship with his friend so quickly because I’ve only just met him.
So he has agreed that he will not invite his friend until I am more confident or his attitude changes.Cherryblossom – So the thing I have not mentioned so far is that the form of dancing I have fallen in love with is – Belly dancing !! There ! I’ve said it out loud. I have no idea why it interests me so much. 🙂 I am still a little shy telling people about this 🙂
September 28, 2016 at 3:49 am #116547WendyParticipantThank you, all of you kind souls who have taken the time to read and respond.
Each one of your replies have led me to introspect and arrive at the root of the problem.
Anita, Julia, Lakshmi, Cherryblossom – To clarify, I know I cannot control anyone’s opinions and I am completely ok with that.
Everyone’s opinion depends on their experience in life. Pink24, I overheard it in a big group gathering, so it wasn’t said directly to my face.
Julia – I completely agree with you, I am not expecting my boyfriend to be my knight-in-armour. Men are simple, like you said. 🙂 No matter what other inputs you receive, I want to tell you that I appreciate your wisdom on ‘ritualized’ relationships.Having said that – in this situation, I am also not “allowed” to defend myself without causing a huge rift or perhaps, even a break-up. I just wish my boyfriend would say a simple – “It is rude to speak of my girlfriend that way”, instead of laughing along with him. If he cannot do that, I feel he shouldn’t restrict me from saying it to his friend. Would it change his friend’s *values* or belief? Very likely not, definitely not overnight.
I cannot comment on his friend’s life choices without my boyfriend springing to his defence, so I never do that.
Somehow, this incident has made me feel like my boyfriend are not so much a team.pink24 – You’re right, I cannot tie my lack of self-confidence issue to this. I need to be able to follow my passion no matter what. Julia, thank you for the inspiring message on dancing ! I will treasure it forever.
Anita – I have read seen you kind response to every post on tinybuddha, I think you are a wonderful person for caring so much.
Your advice on requesting my boyfriend not to invite his friend on the next event is MOST helpful – at least until I am mentally tough enough to take whatever comes my way.Thank you everyone, once again.
Blessings,
WendyMarch 12, 2016 at 9:51 am #98816WendyParticipantDear Anita,
Your last message hit the nail on the head and somehow gave a voice to what my subconscious had been struggling to express.
No, I am not willing to accept this negative criticism as an act of love, not anymore. 3 years is long enough for him to learn my style of accepting advice. I do believe it is time for him to adapt to me for as much as I have adapted to him.
I am quite emotionally involved with him, which explains why I am trying to see things from his perspective. But I guess, if he is equally emotionally involved with me and not his ego, image or habits, he would do the same for me.
You’re probably right about him remembering his childhood differently. I have also felt, on occasion, that something doesn’t add up.
After a reasonable amount of space, I will try to talk to him. If he refuses to respond, then I guess this relationship wasn’t meant to be.
March 12, 2016 at 9:02 am #98812WendyParticipantThank you, ElleTinker, for your perspective. It does take a load off my mind about asking for positives, since I have been accused of being too whiny in the few times that I have asked.
Anita, you are right about criticism being a way to let off steam. I have noticed that it tends to get harsher whenever he feels worse about himself.
The thing that makes it harder to get the message across is the fact that I have taken a lot of the input, stripped it off it’s harshness and have changed accordingly – eg. being more mindful, less anxious. So it becomes difficult to get tell him where his criticism is unwarranted because he assumes that I am just resisting because I am too stupid to see the value of his advice.
And yes, it does sound very much like the thing some parents do to children, – “I am being harsh for your own good”, and expect gratitude for taking the time to point out their way. It hasn’t really worked out well for all children, as far as I know.
The strange thing here is my boyfriend’s childhood was an indulgent one. He was never criticized, disciplined or denied anything by his parents, which he regrets right now. He feels that they should have been firmer with him.
I am confused in dealing with someone who so firmly believes that his intentions are for my highest good (and who, in his mind, has proof of that)
March 12, 2016 at 12:22 am #98786WendyParticipantDear Anita and H1978,
Thank you so much for your responses.
After that talk, he has withdrawn a lot from me, and we haven’t spoken for about a week now. He refuses to pick up my calls.
One thing that he told me repeatedly was “Criticism is how I show people that I care. I wouldn’t criticize you if I didn’t care deeply and believe so much in the fact that you have room for improvement”. He believes that he uplifts people by pointing out their flaws and by rejecting this trait of his, I am more or less saying that I have a big problem with who he is.
Personally, I think there is more to any person than the ability to point out other people’s flaws, and I do feel that he is limiting himself by defining his worth with something so narrow. But right now, he feels rejected and I am afraid he might leave me to turn to others who are “in need of him”
Any thoughts on what I should do? It hurts to stand between a rock and hard place.
thanks in advance,
Wendy
March 10, 2016 at 3:44 am #98514WendyParticipantDear Sapnap3,
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your father. Death of a parent knocks the wind out of your sails, so to speak.
Getting over the tumult of emotions is quite hard because there are so many, and many times, thoughts rush in to soothe that emptiness you feel over his death. What works for everyone is quite different, so I will put in a couple of methods which I have helped people I know.
1] Watch your grief. What that actually means is – when you feel that emptiness over his death, when it hits you that he is no more, don’t do anything, don’t think anything – thoughts of guilt, of the future, of your loneliness. It is hard because filling up that emptiness is your mind’s natural response. Instead, watch what it does to your body. Feel the sensations in the pit of your stomach, the welling in your throat, feel the change in your breathing – and most importantly do nothing.
You will find that these sensations will pass in 5-10 minutes. When you face it a couple of times like this, it will lose that terrifying edge. This too, shall pass. You are going to be okay. Your body and mind are healing itself even right now.2] You cannot control or forsee the turns life will take. I have personally known of a man who lived all his life surrounded by his children and grandchildren, and on a trip out somewhere, he passed away on the seat of a railway station, all alone.
Let the guilt go because you didn’t see this coming, there is no way you could have.3] Don’t decide anything major, driven by the fear of loneliness. I am not suggesting either action – moving away or moving back. Whatever you decide, ask yourself – am I doing this because I am afraid of being lonely or feeling guilty? If the answer is a yes, then it is probably a bad idea.
Sending you loads of love and strength to pass through this very difficult time. You will come out of this stronger and clearer.
Wendy
March 7, 2016 at 9:11 am #98291WendyParticipantThank you, Anita and H1978
Your words of support and advice are heart-warming.
I did speak to him yesterday about it and after a loooooong conversation, he agreed to cut back on the criticism.
He does have a lot of issues himself so he has agreed to focus on them more and pick on me lesser.I hope things take a turn for the better.
Thanks once again to everyone who were kind enough to reach out to me!
March 5, 2016 at 8:47 pm #98130WendyParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your response. I’ve been feeling like a child asking for positive feedback since he says I should toughen up.
It really gives me some peace to hear that my requests are not unreasonable and confidence to stick up for myself.
March 5, 2016 at 7:38 pm #98119WendyParticipantDear PathofPeace and HippeChick,
Thank you so much for your kind thoughts.
PathofPeace, I do feel weary several times already. You’re right about the fact that it will grow to be a bigger problem later.
HippieChick, Personally, I follow the same principle that you suggested – I don’t criticize or nitpick unless my input is specifically asked for. And yes, he does point out when I am being taken advantage of for which I am really grateful. Which is why, when I do ask him to tone down the criticism, he says he will stop pointing out these things as well.
August 24, 2015 at 8:41 am #82247WendyParticipantHi DXM,
I can relate to your feelings a lot because I’ve also experienced the same – the frustration when I see everybody else in relationships while I am alone, also the idea that I deserve it for a number of reasons.
Having said that, I’ve been only in relationships where my love was not reciprocated. In all 3 instances, the person I was with, used me in some way or the other – a tissue for crying, money, sex.
So I have come to understand that “relationship” and “true love” are 2 very different things. Not all relationships are based on love. Many come into existence just because the 2 people involved do not want to be alone.
I can honestly say that those experiences have not enriched my life much, most of the time they feel like real hard work which ended in nothing – equivalent of a job without pay or promotion. I struggle to view these lessons in a positive way.You’ve spoken about the work-reward equation. I would urge to consider this – “Love” is not a reward. The corporate rules of working hard and getting a bonus do not apply because love and relationships are not a bonus. And many times, relationships are not a bonus. Some have the tendency to take you down lower than you are right now.
Perhaps, right now, you feel ANY experience with relationships – good or bad – will be an improvement over staying single. But it is also equally possible that your judgement is wrong on that.I’ve experienced real appreciation and love from the strangest places, like the mute gratitude of some dogs I rescued, in moments of connection with random strangers, and these keep me going. You’ve mentioned the documented downsides of loneliness. It would be worth your time to also consider the documentation and research on loneliness having nothing to do with the number of connections, friendships or relationships that people have. Some people feel lonely with 100 friends and some feel at peace with 0 friends. Loneliness is essentially a sense of disconnect with one’s one self. You are seeking to to connect with yourself through the eyes of a relationship. Perhaps they will hold a mirror to you that you can see and really appreciate yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, its a natural human desire. I would only say that – just because the mirror is not there right now, doesn’t mean you stop appreciating the great things about yourself or working on those things that you like to improve.
Hope I made some sense to you. I wish you all the very best and hope you find the courage to pull through this dark time.
Wendy
May 21, 2015 at 3:13 am #77046WendyParticipantDear Vidalevi,
The problem with many traditions is that they come from a place of fear, just like what is happening to you right now. Your family is not telling you – “Do this because it is good for you”, they are instead saying that “if you don’t do this, you will die alone/be lonely/miserable”. How can you be expected to start a relationship of love, when the decision is based on fear and anxiety ?
No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you refusing to make a decision under pressure or guilt. Certainly not one on marriage. If you don’t like the person they have set you up with, nothing wrong with that. Please don’t give in to the fear that you are too old/this is a last chance/you don’t have choices left. People are not like fruits on a tree, that if you don’t take them fresh, there won’t be any left !!! Thats not tradition, that is very much like a doomsday prophecy.
And of course you will make mistakes with decisions…it’s a part of life and growing up. If you don’t make your own mistakes, you won’t learn. Yes there is pain when you fall off a bicycle, but that doesn’t mean you fix trainers to your cycle all your life. Don’t take them very hard.
I know this is hard to practice, but whatever you choose to do, try to ensure that the choice comes from a genuine place of happiness, joy and love and not because of blackmail and resignation on your part.
Sending you love, light and strength
Wendy
May 21, 2014 at 11:09 pm #56819WendyParticipantHi CJ,
This is my first time posting. I am hardly qualified to give any advice , having never faced anything like this.
I just would like to say – it doesn’t sound like your head that says no, it is still your heart that worries for the quality of life for the other people around you. So really, it sounds like a battle between the various pieces of your heart and the people who hold them. And yes, definitely, the quality of life, love and care also matters a LOT so it is not an easy decision that you are facing.
No matter what you decide, I only hope that a loving wife and mom like you would also remember to care for yourself.
I wish you and your family all the very best
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