Dear Sapnap3,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your father. Death of a parent knocks the wind out of your sails, so to speak.

Getting over the tumult of emotions is quite hard because there are so many, and many times, thoughts rush in to soothe that emptiness you feel over his death. What works for everyone is quite different, so I will put in a couple of methods which I have helped people I know.

1] Watch your grief. What that actually means is – when you feel that emptiness over his death, when it hits you that he is no more, don’t do anything, don’t think anything – thoughts of guilt, of the future, of your loneliness. It is hard because filling up that emptiness is your mind’s natural response. Instead, watch what it does to your body. Feel the sensations in the pit of your stomach, the welling in your throat, feel the change in your breathing – and most importantly do nothing.
You will find that these sensations will pass in 5-10 minutes. When you face it a couple of times like this, it will lose that terrifying edge. This too, shall pass. You are going to be okay. Your body and mind are healing itself even right now.

2] You cannot control or forsee the turns life will take. I have personally known of a man who lived all his life surrounded by his children and grandchildren, and on a trip out somewhere, he passed away on the seat of a railway station, all alone.
Let the guilt go because you didn’t see this coming, there is no way you could have.

3] Don’t decide anything major, driven by the fear of loneliness. I am not suggesting either action – moving away or moving back. Whatever you decide, ask yourself – am I doing this because I am afraid of being lonely or feeling guilty? If the answer is a yes, then it is probably a bad idea.

Sending you loads of love and strength to pass through this very difficult time. You will come out of this stronger and clearer.

Wendy

Hi DXM,

I can relate to your feelings a lot because I’ve also experienced the same – the frustration when I see everybody else in relationships while I am alone, also the idea that I deserve it for a number of reasons.

Having said that, I’ve been only in relationships where my love was not reciprocated. In all 3 instances, the person I was with, used me in some way or the other – a tissue for crying, money, sex.
So I have come to understand that “relationship” and “true love” are 2 very different things. Not all relationships are based on love. Many come into existence just because the 2 people involved do not want to be alone.
I can honestly say that those experiences have not enriched my life much, most of the time they feel like real hard work which ended in nothing – equivalent of a job without pay or promotion. I struggle to view these lessons in a positive way.

You’ve spoken about the work-reward equation. I would urge to consider this – “Love” is not a reward. The corporate rules of working hard and getting a bonus do not apply because love and relationships are not a bonus. And many times, relationships are not a bonus. Some have the tendency to take you down lower than you are right now.
Perhaps, right now, you feel ANY experience with relationships – good or bad – will be an improvement over staying single. But it is also equally possible that your judgement is wrong on that.

I’ve experienced real appreciation and love from the strangest places, like the mute gratitude of some dogs I rescued, in moments of connection with random strangers, and these keep me going. You’ve mentioned the documented downsides of loneliness. It would be worth your time to also consider the documentation and research on loneliness having nothing to do with the number of connections, friendships or relationships that people have. Some people feel lonely with 100 friends and some feel at peace with 0 friends. Loneliness is essentially a sense of disconnect with one’s one self. You are seeking to to connect with yourself through the eyes of a relationship. Perhaps they will hold a mirror to you that you can see and really appreciate yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, its a natural human desire. I would only say that – just because the mirror is not there right now, doesn’t mean you stop appreciating the great things about yourself or working on those things that you like to improve.

Hope I made some sense to you. I wish you all the very best and hope you find the courage to pull through this dark time.

Wendy

Hi CJ,

This is my first time posting. I am hardly qualified to give any advice , having never faced anything like this.

I just would like to say – it doesn’t sound like your head that says no, it is still your heart that worries for the quality of life for the other people around you. So really, it sounds like a battle between the various pieces of your heart and the people who hold them. And yes, definitely, the quality of life, love and care also matters a LOT so it is not an easy decision that you are facing.

No matter what you decide, I only hope that a loving wife and mom like you would also remember to care for yourself.

I wish you and your family all the very best