Well all of the things above are true but i think it is because of myself not being authentic, my friend is totally authentic and open with everything. I have had so many beautiful experiences with this friend. I love him very much, he understands me most of all of my friends and i just love talking to him because he understands spiritual concepts and the nature of reality (to a certain degree). He knows most about spirituality of the friends i know. So i do have a lot to lose if i lose him, also because we share so many of the same friends . I just don’t know how i should explain that i might be gay to him because he will feel utterly betrayed, and feel as i have been lying to him forever and he wont understand why since he has been fully truthful to me and shared everything while i have been hiding away something from him and i think he is starting to notice it because i have a hard time looking straight into his eyes (don’t know why) but it is like some strong energy builds up if i look straight in his eyes for too long.

Hello thank you guys for your messages and support. I am so happy to see that there are people that want to help others in sticky situations. I hope you understand me turning to this forum instead of going to therapy or asking my friends because they are part of the problem and will only give me advice based on how they assume is the best solution. Both of my best friends are totally contradictory, and whenever i ask advice they will always say the opposite of each other because they are the female and male polar versions of each other. It has been very hard for me to get any help and i never knew exactly where to turn too with my questions because i have this spiritual background and i always feel everyone misunderstands because they don’t see it from my awakened perspective of reality. My dad is a capitalist with a very narrow view of the world and wont see past the illusion of this world. My mum is Russian, somewhat spiritual but she never acts on her own knowledge and is totally against gayness because of her Russian upbringing. I have good friends and most of them would understand if i told them that i was gay, even my father is very acceptive and i have heard him debate homosexuality with my mum many times so i know he would be on my side. But i still feel very sorry for my mum, i will brake her heart completely and disgust her to her very core if she found out. I just know it in beforehand just based on how she has spoken about the subject. The main concern for me is that my best friend will leave me because i have heard of him talking about homosexuality as somebody being very confused and totally on the wrong path, on the way to some hell-state of mind and that it might be an influenced by the devil part of us. I just want people not to think ”butsex” as the first thing that comes to their mind if would come out. And that is kinda how society is programmed to think gayness as. They see all the flamboyent parades and people being very feminine with died hair, and fucked up values. That is not me at all, i know that this sounds stereotypical to say but i am a very masculine gay guy and i blend in with straight people easily, they don’t even notice at all. Even the macho type guys i can handle without getting intimidated, but sometimes almost feel like a girl around those people for some reason. Sometimes i feel like i have a girls energy in the body of a guy, even though i have normal male traits. Almost as if i chose to come in the form of a guy into this world even though my soul is more feminine-polarized.

If you want to share more thoughts i would be very happy, everything helpes. Just talking to you guys about this makes me happier.