Hello again, i appreciate you all for replying to my thread with such insightful answers.

I really resonated with Peters allegory about the dark alley, in the situation with my friend i can clearly see how my thought-patterns and self-belief at the time created a situation like this. It is still a big mystery about what exactly had been happening between us but to my understanding he is a narcissist/mentally sick person and i was the co-dependent in the relationship. The last time we met i exposed the feelings which i had been having with him for a very long time and for the first time i could see that it seemed as he didn’t care at all. There was nothing in him that was able to show concern for me and the pain which i had been having with him. I gave him some criticism, and talked about him constantly being in a ”positive bubble” and disregarding the pain which is around him as part of himself. He resorted into a silent treatment because he could not handle the situation and that was the end of my relationship with him, i had to leave him there. When i started leaving, he jumped from his silent treatment into panic mode asking why i am leaving. He didn’t have anything to stop me from leaving so i left everything there, after 8 years of believing he actually cared about me and my feelings. I do see now that, this was a major life lesson for me, and i hope for him too. I used to have such a hard time to say no, i had my doors open to anyone that gave me some connection. I had low self-esteem, low boundaries and a fragile sense of self, this was my wake-up and i believe i did the right thing to just leave him in his dirt. In the beginning after leaving him i was very cynical and blamed him over and over in my mind but realized shortly that he was none more to blame than myself, we had both fed into each-other. I don’t know how much of his abuse was intentional or unintentional but i can not allow someone that simply does not have any concern for my  and his own well-being to be in my presence.

Let me know what you think and thank you again for your time and help!

Kind regards

Hi Lara, thank you for your great answer. It made me think and rethink.

As a great master once said, sharing the truth of the self to the wrong person is like putting a million volts through a electric shaver. It explodes. This is what i am slightly concerned about regarding sharing information and self-knowledge with people who are not serious or advanced enough to handle that kind of information and constantly checking for ego. Im happy to share what i know with everyone , i dont expect people to thank me or regard me as wise or put me on pedastol but i do want recognition/reliance for what i do know so that people dont steal knowledge from me. It does not help anyone, people who think they understand but only intellectualize what i tell them. Let me give you an example of what i mean by stealing. I was walking with my brother and on the way we met one friend which we both know, i was standing still while my brother started talking with him. I notice (unconciously) that my brother is socially anxious and the friend is quite calm in the discussion. When we leave from the discussion my brother immediatly asks a deceiving question. “Do you also notice how other people are anxious sometimes” and i opened up a discussion about anxiety and my experience on it and let him know alot about it. Suddenly i get a intuition that he is listening really intensely and i feel as if im “helping” him too much since he is the “one” having anxiety-problems but opening up the discussion about the matter for his owns sake. Maybe i sound like i dont trust people, and i suspect them too much but i have gotten this similar feeling with other people. The feeling of giving away some information which they should be able to solve on their own, and relying on me solving it for them in the guise of other people or manipulative ways. How do i make people see that they are relying on me for their problems, something says that i should not be giving too much for “free. I feel as if people dont ask me questions directly, that they have to go roundabout ways to get to know what i know and get help so they dont have to feel as they “rely” on someone/me. What might this be about?, im trying to understand what that kind of reflection tells about myself. Maybe people think they will “owe” me something in return which is not true. Also you mentioned that you dont learn this from a vacuum and it is completely true, i have read alot, listened alot, experienced alot, watched alot, felt alot and much of that from other people but when i ask for help or if i rely on someone i recognize that and let them know that they have helped me. I like talking with people, and much more than i used too. And i see that i cant learn if there was not any other people to learn from, yet i like to take some recognition in the work i have done in (this) body. I feel as if that helps me in my work, and makes me feel as if i am doing a good job. I have one friend which recognized me for my work and that helped immensely, i feel much happier to share my understanding with him without feeling as if he just sucks it up all for himself.

Looking forward for your perspective.

And yes im coming from a buddhist perspective, (eckhart tolle, mooji, alan watts)

I just don’t know how to get away from her at this point. As i wrote above, i am the only one she feels like she can talk to. Her best friend died, and her gran dad too. And she uses the loneliness she has to meet me more, and when i don’t do what she wants she starts guilt-tripping me about how i should be there for her, and that she does not want fake-friends and that she does not have anyone to turn too. She also loves me a lot, and wants to be my girlfriend. I have told her i only want to be friends, but that did not help. She still asks me to be for her exactly as much as she did when i was her boyfriend. I told her about my confused feeling about my sexuality, but still makes me do stuff i don’t want and she knows it. I don’t know why she is willing to live in a illusion at this point, when she can hear hat i am not intrested in her and when she tells she loves me i cant say anything back or when i don’t i also feel guilty. I really just don’t know if i can be her friend anymore, because i don’t really like her and i don’t know how to express it. How can i leave her without being rude and really make her understand. Is there not a good old saying that you should never leave someone which loves you? But i don’t love her back..

Before i continue i have to say that i highly appreciate that you want to help me and answer to my complicated issues without knowing me.

I am trusting that God will show me the right path and i do have hopes for change. I have educated a little about myself and the way i think that might contribute to understanding me better, and why i am so anxious and desperate at the moment. I have a fear of intimacy and that if people get too close to me i feel very stiff and numb and this implies mostly mental connection not physical. Also as i mentioned i feel as i am not my authentic self so that makes me withdraw because it does not feel good to be around friends (have to leave and go home or be alone) and i know this hurts my friends, still i sometimes have to withdraw otherwise i will go into starvation mode inside of me. I am very confused to where all my energy goes since i cant see the same problem in any of my friends, i always find myself being the person people call to hang out with and not the other way around and then when i meet people i get easily bored and out of touch. I just feel the people in my life are suffering from me not offering the whole truth of who i am because they give me love that i don’t truly feel i deserve and it kills me. I am just not sure which parts of me i should share and not share. At this point it feels that the only thing would be with my sexual orientation to do and at the same time that’s the part i feel most unsure about, the urge to speak about it to someone is big and waiting for god bringing me clarity makes me itch because the waiting is hurting me and my friends. I know it sound like i have a rush, but i am really doubting how i should to speak and act to my friends at this point because i don’t want to hurt them anymore. I don’t even know if they are my friends and which ones i should keep, or if i should just keep all. I want to be nice to people but i can’t be nice and act happy. And otherwise its just killing their vibe and i am no fun to hang around. This is all caused by my uncertainty of the future, feels pointless to waste energy on something that might not even work in the future. What should i tell my friend that i planned to move in together with?(best friend) suddenly i’m backing out from something we have been planning for months. Also my ex keeps asking me to go with her on trips to other countries, dinners,theater(feel like a boyfriend without being a boyfriend) , a lot of plans which makes me also extremely anxious as one part of me says no and other yes. How do feel certain about anything and how do i respond to planning when i feel i might be giving dead promises.

I am still very curious on what my next step should be. How do i deal with this attraction i have towards men and is there any possibility i could get emotional/sexual attraction towards women or is it my destiny to maybe work with God in celibacy in this life? How do i find my authentic self and how should i go forward with my relationships to my friends. I feel like i’m hiding something from them about myself but i’m not sure what to tell them about myself so i will come to peace with who i am and be confident. I just feel that i am betraying my best friend because i can’t be around him for too long without getting lost, silent and drained. I want to feel nurtured around my friends so i want to be around them/him. I do have goals and dreams and i work on them everyday but that does not feed the empty hole that i feel inside of me, something feels missing and i do not know what that might be. I work out at the gym, i take care of my body. I try to be the best i can to my friends and family but still fall short and feel like i am giving too little and not making enough effort to sustain a healthy relation to them. As already mentioned, i feel inauthentic in one way or another and i really do not know what will make me feel whole and energized.

I have to say that to some degree i got some relief from telling my ex that i have these feelings towards men and not women, which made her see me in a totally different way and she stopped trying to make me horny and having sleepovers all the time. We still hang out when we can, but i still think she is distracting herself with me since i am the only guy friend she has right now.

To understand me a little better i’m going to share some information about my family, friendships and past.

As a child i was always very attention seeking, still am to some degree. When my brother was born i got very jealous because my mum had to concentrate more on him than me, which made me think that she didn’t care about me as much anymore so i stopped talking to mum for a long time and only played with dad and did things together with him. But one day when i still was asleep my dad had to leave for to another country and left without saying goodbye and when i woke up it was a big tragedy for me because now everybody had left me. This was my biggest childhood-trauma i t believe of what my mum had told me. Lets talk a little more about my dad: I don’t know if this information is relevant but might be, Whenever my dad wanted me and my brother to do something or achieve something we where always rewarded with money or treats whenever we did good in school or at home. He always took the easy route out to make us do what he wanted. On my mums part, she is very loving and caring but she never learned to create her own reality and dreams so she always tried to live her dreams through me and my brother which just ended up us doing all the things she ever wanted to do but through us which we hated. ( ballet, playing the piano, modeling, learning Russian, singing etc). So i never got to know who i was and what i wanted to do. I’m not complaining because they are both loving parents but very unauthentic, for example i never ever seen my mum and dad kiss each other on the mouth within 21 years of living.

I want to add a little about my relationships to my friends, especially my one and only closest friend which is now staring to deterioate. We have known each other for 6 years now, the last year we have gotten very close. There was a moment that i realized how selfish i was and that he was giving me all the time but i never gave anything to him so i started giving him my time and energy. (before this i never had any feelings for him). But when i started investing myself into his life more and spending almost everyday with him, a fire started in me and i started to love him. And the more i gave the more i loved him and myself. But with time this ”love” feelings started going away and i felt i have to give even more to make it come back so i did. I gave almost everything about myself to him (like he would be my boyfriend without being a BF) but slowly this started to kill me, i was losing myself and i felt like i was doing exactly everything to please his experience. I do like my friend a lot but recently i cant keep up with the same amount of energy i have been giving him before, and it has changed him and me. He seems different to me now, like he is changing because i don’t want to see him everyday anymore. I have other things to do, but he sees it as i’m trying to avoid him because i don’t want to always see him with my other friends. I am also kinda feelings guilty because im denying to see him as often to concentrate on myself, but do i need this space and alone time. Why do i feel drained around him these days? I feel inauthentic around him and as if i can’t relate to him anymore. I just wants to hang around smoking weed all day, and i want to stay at home working my art and being myself. I don’t feel myself whenever i’m around him anymore, it used to be a pleasure and a ”vacation” to be around my Bf. Now it feels like a task or something i have to keep up otherwise it won’t work.

Hello again, i thought that i should share some update on my life and how i feel at the moment.

So i decided to come out to my ex-girlfriend about my attraction to guys, because i though she is the one that deserves to know it the most. Actually she asked me if i am gay and i just told her on new years eve, i told her that i am gay. She was very confused and baffeled at first but took it very chill and accepted it totally. I kinda expected her reaction, i didn’t believe she was going to be mad or sad, so i was never scared of telling her.

A couple days pass and everything is fine, and she even felt sorry for making me feel awkward around her, her trying to give me kisses all the time and trying to get me ”back”. So yesterday i was staying over at hers and we starting talking alot about sexuality and feelings. She told me about her personal experiences with a girl when she was younger and that she used to kiss her and do sexual things but she does not want to do that anymore but told me that she still thinks many girls are very attractive and she would not mind playing with their private parts or kissing her friends. Later she asked me a tricky question about how i felt having sex with her when we were together, she asked me if i disliked it or if it felt weird. And i told her honestly that i did like it somewhat and i don’t really have a problem with kissing girls or having sex because i enjoy it but i don’t get any feelings like i would think real love is. She then told me that i might be bisexual or like her, liking guys but also thinking girls are attractive. It got me very confused about what i feel or how i should feel when having sex or feeling love. I know love and i know how it feels, unfortunately i only gotten that feeling only from guys. Kinda makes me feel my ex is trying to put these thoughts into my head to make her hope i would maybe come back to her if i’m bisexual. idk

I have been reading a lot on the the internet about homosexuality which has made me even more confused if i am doing the right decision to identify myself as gay. Yes it is true that i feel attracted to guys, that is true. But is it natural? I have read that homosexuality is more of a social conditioning which makes you feel these feelings. Many articles and forums suggests that it is a imbalance in the masculine and feminine aspect within us and it is indeed against the law of creation. Other suggested it to be Karmic debt which has caused me to feel imbalanced feelings and therefore suffering for my past life deeds.

Here is a link to one of the sites i read from (would love to hear a perspective): http://www.ascendedmasteranswers.com/practical-life/sexuality/513-foundational-teachings-on-homo-sexuality

I understand that i am not my body, and that beyond polarity of masculine and feminine there is a soul which is neither female or male. So what should identify myself with? ”being gay” feels like a huge label on my for-head and feels like im identifying myself with something which in reality is an illusion. How should i explain to people that my body might be uncertain but i still know the reality behind our genders? People are so narrow-minded and a label ”gay” is very misunderstood. I am not even that attracted to the sexual part of being with somebody. I mostly like the closeness and intamacy of being with another guy. Since i am so confused and misunderstood i have contemplated going into celibacy instead of indulging in sex. Maybe it is the answer for me, still feels like a very big commitment and i am scared to feel lonely. How do you live a life in celibacy or how do i explain me being attracted to guy but not really wanting the sex. Feels like nobody will ever understand me :/

Best Regards