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Chris

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 35 total)
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  • #85393
    Chris
    Participant

    Wow!!!! Happy Birthday. That’s just awesome πŸ™‚

    #85392
    Chris
    Participant

    Thoughtful replies πŸ™‚

    Anita, loving myself for a day is too long to contemplate. I just do my best in the moment, and when I fall I re-group, smile, accept it and move on. Peace to you.

    Moon, its interesting you talk about order and cleanliness. My outer world is highly ordered and structured. My business is tidy and squeaky clean. At least it appears that way. Open my closet and there is a mess. It’s a metaphor for my existence. On the outside, I’m the easy going guy the people go to in times of trouble. On the inside I’ve suffered unbelievable pain. I’m crying just thinking about it (that’s a good thing. I can release that pain by letting go).

    Another way I’m learning to practice self love is to uncover the lies I tell myself and confront them. I had set out to clearly define my values and few years back. I went thru an exercise to consciously list them. The trouble is that what I had listed was not congruent with what was manifesting in my life. This created a massive inner contradiction. My primary value was listed as family, yet I was going thru a divorce. I continued to hold family as my primary value. I lied to myself, I blamed, I resented, I became a very confused person.

    Our values are not necessary our ideals. Our values are what we spend time and energy on without being told to do so. For example, if I say my values is healthy living, yet I continually over eat, I am lying to myself. My real value is enjoying food. Loving myself and accepting who I really am would mean that I need to embrace the truth, not the ideal. It’s extremely liberating. So I’ve faced reality that family may be my ideal, it may be a goal, but it isn’t my real primary value at this time.

    No more lies. πŸ™‚

    #85372
    Chris
    Participant

    This thought “We are spiritual beings having a human experience” offers me perspective. The human part has strengths and frailties. We all have seasons of triumph and dis-pare, Of prowess and embarrassment, of joy and pain. This struggle we call humanity, this life, is temporary. I believe love is eternal. It is the only lasting truth.

    #85369
    Chris
    Participant

    Jack lol well put πŸ™‚ We can teach ourselves and share what we learn with those who will hear it.

    Anita – I think it is beautiful that you reach out to so many people and express your true self. It takes a certain courage and level of care to do this. I actually thought of you when I wrote this. Why? Because some of the things you have written provoked me to dig deeper and really think.

    When my son was younger he displayed many behaviors that were tough to deal with for me. There were times when I became angry and expressed it, there were times when I lost my cool, there were times when I failed as a parent. But I did it all from a place of love. I love my son, I always have and I always will. I haven’t always loved his choices and behaviors, but I love him without condition, no matter what. That’s the distinction. That’s the love I am practicing to offer myself. It feels good. πŸ™‚

    People’s choices and actions are not always good. But the person is not the behavior. The behavior is temporary, the person is far more. I believe all people deserve love, no matter what they have done. I don’t excuse all behaviors or condone them, I simply have this core belief. I’ve certainly made some bad choices, made mistakes, and continue to be human, but I am not my choices. I am not defined my circumstances. I am larger. So are you. I think the world would be a lot better if all of us were kinder to ourselves.

    #85262
    Chris
    Participant

    Ayn Rand wrote “It is a moral crime to contribute to your own destruction” (or something like that). Yet most of us engage in self destructive thoughts and behaviors. What we sometimes fail to realize is that thoughts and behaviors are choices. If we take the time to examine our thinking, to build a strong philosophy and to live congruently with this, we are no longer in conflict. It’s often when we hold ideals that are not congruent with our thoughts and actions, the internal bully shows up because of contradiction. Either the ideal must change or the thoughts and behaviors. The bully is there to point out the contradiction. It’s just like pain, rarely the problem, just a message pointing out a problem. It’s an invitation to change one’s core philosophy or one’s way of life. Most people do not take the time to consciously choose their basic philosophical premises, so the adopt a philosophy of default. Fertile ground for the bully to appear.

    #84518
    Chris
    Participant

    Its ok to be …. (fill in the blank… hurt, angry, sad, insecure, lonely… you pick)

    When I give myself permission to feel and/or think in a way that is perhaps less then ideal, I am offering myself unconditional love and acceptance. I’m allowing myself to be human and to feel loved.

    #84514
    Chris
    Participant

    I think anger is useful to initiate change. It can lead us to take appropriate action during times of fear or overwhelm. It gives a sense of certainty. The problem is that the raw emotion of anger can override rational thought if left unchecked. I recently learned that a child I knew was in a situation of abuse. That pissed me off so bad. No child deserves abuse. I became angry, I took action and I did not back down until the situation was changed. I feel zero guilt.

    #84406
    Chris
    Participant

    Yoda,

    I don’t know you or all the particulars of your situation. What struck me is the title of this thread “What’s wrong with me?”. Each of us has an internal dialogue. Sometimes that dialogue is not kind, compassionate or loving. Sometimes it is critical, doubtful and hurtful. The questions we ask may influence the answers we receive. You’ve externally asked “what’s wrong with me?”. This toxic question supposes that there IS something wrong with you.

    You may be in pain, your life may be in a valley, you may be going through a very rough time, but is there really something “wrong” with you? Would you consider being kinder to yourself? Would you consider loving yourself and accepting yourself just as you are? Would you embrace the broken, hurting you and offer him love and acceptance? Would you allow him to heal?

    You seem like a sensitive and caring person. These are good qualities. Would you dare to value your internal qualities and realize that who you are on the inside is far more important than external appearances. Would you consider that you deserve to be loved by somebody who sees that in you and appreciates who you are as a person?

    Be kind to yourself my friend.

    #84394
    Chris
    Participant

    Anita,

    I’m continually searching for a way to navigate this situation better. I’ve been thinking along these lines lately. It’s not crazy at all. I think the Buddha made mention that the root of suffering is desire. What I’m beginning to practice is emotional detachment and self compassion during times when I am alone, while maintaining complete presence and love during times when we are able to communicate.

    It’s a tricky balancing act for me, yet I believe this is the direction to go in. What I’ve noticed lately is that instead of the emotional “void” experience, I have more times of peace. When I do feel upset, I can at least cry and release the built up emotions. This is far preferable to feeling completely empty, to experiencing that hellish void.

    Thank you so much for offering your thoughtful insight.

    #84365
    Chris
    Participant

    You are quite right. People DO break. I cant say that I don’t mind hurting, that would not be true. In this case its not the person that is doing the hurting, she is very loving and kind, its the circumstances. So I would suffer for this love just as I would if my child were trapped on the other side of the globe.

    I’m continuing my search for constructive ways of coping with this time and the uncertainty of our situation. It is that uncertainty that brings out the difficult feelings. I feel her always within me, as a part of me. She is in each thought and moment. She is a deep part of my psyche, of my being. It is during times when I have no physical validation that I become stressed. Men do have different needs. But couple this with the truth that our fate is in the government’s hands, and as each day passes we near a decision. We don’t know when the decision will come, or if there will be more delays. We don’t have a clue as to the outcome. How does one wait with peace and patience under these circumstances? How does one live in the moment, fully, here and now? Its a rhetorical question i suppose…

    #84345
    Chris
    Participant

    Anita, thank you so much for your thoughtful insight. Reading your response brought forth deep emotions. I had endured many years in a situation of emotional abuse from a mentally ill spouse. Oh, and by the way, I am a health care provider so I get to care for people all week long. You hit the nail on the head. I care for many and need connection and love. I need my fiances presence. Connection just cant be willed into existence. I’ve looked for support groups in my area and haven’t found anything that’s a fit for me. But getting another perspective is helpful. I feel a bit more sane. Thank you.

    I was reminded of this passage from the children’s book the velveteen rabbit

    “What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by
    side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does
    it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

    “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that
    happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just
    to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

    “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

    “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When
    you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

    “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit
    by bit?”

    “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It
    takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who
    break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.
    Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved
    off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very
    shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are
    Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

    “I suppose you are real?” said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had
    not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the
    Skin Horse only smiled.

    #84338
    Chris
    Participant

    I think empathy is essential for forgiveness. We forgive, not for the benefit of the abuser, but to free ourselves. It helps to try to understand the “why” behind actions. But empathy should not be confused with tolerance. Abuse, on any level, is wrong and never excusable.

    #84320
    Chris
    Participant

    I’m a single dad with aging parents that require my care. It would be devastating to my son to move him and I could not abandon my parents. Moving is not an option for me. If it were not for those obligations, I would have walked away from my life here (I own a successful business that has taken years to build) and started fresh in her country.

    I’ve been dealing with this “void” experience for over a year. It’s intensity and frequency have increase with the passing of time. My fiancΓ© and I talk about it and she is very supportive of me. I exercise, practice gratitude, help those less fortunate, meditate, listen to motivational and spiritual teachings, eat properly and try to focus on positive things and solutions. I do everything I know I should do, yet it comes, accompanied by anxiety that lasts days. Often it happens on the weekends and I’ve come to regard weekends with dread. I refuse to take drugs for it and I really don’t have much faith in psychological counseling.

    #84318
    Chris
    Participant

    Plan B is to re-apply for a waiver, a process that will be costly and take 7 months or more. I’m afraid of this. I don’t know how I can emotionally handle it if this happens. My state of mind has not been well at times. The void is this; we share an intense connection when we can talk, but we can only talk in the morning or evening because of the time difference. I’ll be going through my day doing just fine then suddenly, as if a switch was turned on, an immense emotional emptiness consumes me. It’s horrible and I’ve never experienced anything like it. I think it is tied to the uncertainty of our situation. I am unable to live in her country and if we are unsuccessful at appealing the decision, she will not be allowed in the US for another 8 years. I can’t describe how horrible that thought is to me. I’m in tears just typing this. I love this woman with all my soul and to not be with her tears me apart. I’m normally a very strong person. I’ve been through a LOT in life and have always had the emotional resources to do well. But this uncertainty is beyond my current abilities.

    #68177
    Chris
    Participant

    πŸ™‚

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 35 total)