Dear Anita

you didnt disappointed me  in understanding my situations, i hope i didnt neither . but if  that happens we can discuss it obviously .

about my sister , that didnt happened in one night , i mean the change of heart . well at the beginning i was much younger and impressionable and i loved her with my whole heart , she was and still is living in another country , so i believe the distance made her more likable and she gave  me a lot of souvenir when she came home  but i was a teenager i realized she saw me as a inferior person not because i was much younger  but she was acting like i was stupid specially in front her friends , gradually i realized she was antisocial and definitely anti family , she always wanted to bring all of us down by her behavior , she chose a guy whom she knew would never accept him just to somehow damaging my parents pride and now that i looked back she was just using him for antagonizing her family , remember in that time i believed my parents are perfect . anyway my parents approaches  towards her and what they said to her and about her kind of changed my mind about her but the last straw was when my mom died , she couldnt  care less about it , she was basically enjoying the freedom after her death , even before that , although she knew my mom was in critical condition she didnt call home , till one week after her death i called her and told her where the hell she was ?she came home almost 4 weeks after and her attitude was as i said careless and cold , she didnt even once asked anything from me who was supposedly her beloved sister about how i feel and how i handled it , i know her relationship with my mom was complicated but SHE WAS DEAD and that didnt make our pain any easier , you cant just brush if off and say never mind she wasnt a good mom actually i feel not having a good relationship with a deceased parent makes the grief harder .she hurt me by leaving me alone and going out with her friends , she was talking about my dad should remarry  very soon , in general very hurtful behavior and she told my father i wouldn't support her (me)in anyway at all , because my dad was hoping to send me to place my sisters was living for studying i believe she was thinking after my mom , i would be dependent on her and she was depriving me of what i expected on purpose , like a ego boost for her . alot of stuff happened between my dad and her after while (not related to me ) but their relationship was also severed completely , i only can say i am lucky that she doesnt live near me . im curious about relationship with your sister ?hopefully it`s not toxic , we can talk about it if you like .

regarding my aunt , i agree with you , she is not very sharp in making wise decisions , i mean in her own life and her family . the pretention and being showy whether it was about parenting to me nice or being wealthy  was always her biggest goal . i believe she was actively wanted to drag me down , not by herself but with help of her children , im not sure her match making decision was planned and malicious , but she was very persistent with putting me down verbally , thats why i believe some animosity is present . not just toward me but my whole family , but they werent smart enough to conceal themselves as good people , maybe its helpful for other people to see through them . but it`s hurtful, they always use very direct and sharp words and they seem to be proud of it , they are bullies , SIMPLE. what do you think about having no contact with them ?

i hope you had a good sleep and good day

farnaz

dear anita

i recently joined here and it was my first post , but im so happy finding someone to share my experience with , who can exactly feel and understand what im being though and i`m glad seemingly  i could understand you too .

my mom had some trauma in her past too , her brothers suicide , my grandma was separated from her mother due to the divorce which wasnt  common those days and was under control of her stepmother .she was married to my grandpa who was twice her age scaping the situation at home , i think my grandma had also problem with connecting people because the home was unfortunately not safe . she wasnt a mean person but very perfectionist and she also try to separate my mom from my uncles because she didnt trust them and felt that her son is using my mom  , which actually turned out to be true and our life got better in many ways when my mom cut ties with her brother . i maybe going out of our topic right now but my mom had the trauma of losing 2 brothers because of very different reasons . My traumas were my mom, her  death and dealing with my dad who wasn`t trust worthy .

to get to and stay in therapy, a person has to be able and willing to risk being wrong about something.yes it is really scary for him . i can forgive him and i hope he gets pushed to therapy by somethings , i know thats weird but thats only way i can imagine him seek treatment. 

my sister also was like mom , except she didnt have any of moms good qualities , you know i dont think my mom was bad in nature  but my sister definitely is . she is leaving in another country right now , she didnt even try to contact me after my dads death , and to be honest she is dead to me too , i dont hate her im just indifferent but once i loved her with all my heart , i loved her more than i loved my mom until i got older and saw her for who she was , im 13 years younger than her . i can say getting to know her as an adult didn`t help my trust issues at all .

 I couldn’t have said it better. This very sentence that I quoted here makes me feel that you understand what I went through more than any person ever did. i`m so glad to hear that . you are  also very understanding to what i said.

 they want power and. My mother wanted power over me because she felt too powerless otherwise.i unfortunately encounter a lot of power hungry people in my life , i dont know thats normal in the world we are living these days or bad luck maybe , beside my family, ive seen some very manipulating people who persistently tried to mislead me in some way , maybe for us who experienced manipulative parents is very common to take it personally but now its not personal and they do it to everyone but i believe i was sending some signals obviously unconsciously that im an easy target. the way talk about other people , small social circle and valuing others idea of me too much obviously made me more vulnerable in their eyes , a predator . i can tell you one example , i have an aunt (by marriage )in my father side , who seems to be very companionate , she was actually crying in front of me when my father was getting remarried and said to be that she cant see anyone in my moms place , and that was believable , my mom and her had a very good relationship , she was one of three people who were in moms side when she passed and she distracted me and told me to go find something because she knew it was the last moments of her life and i was too young to handle that . after my dad married i realized that my aunt actually tried to fix my dad with some lady who was in a very low level , i dont want to be mean and condescending but we were in different planet  culture wise , economical class , religion ... it was almost comic , how my aunt would think that was a good match for my dad . anyway she was lying to my face and actually crying about it !!! and the other time she tried to fix me with her nephew , who was not really sharp person , very slow ,not from a good family either ,i know it seems judgmental  but it was the same situation , we couldnt have a conversation with each other how they could think that was a good idea for me getting married to him . till recent years i realized she did these kind of  behavior on purpose . from encouraging me to basically abandon any good and meaningful thing in my life and have a plan they tried persistently to tell me im worthless because im not married and she was very upset that i didnt become a broken person after my moms death , well i did become that but i somehow put my self together , i do believe in god and he was the one to help me , but she is so angry of that. i cut ties with her after my dads funeral because of her behavior after it . she was almost happy and try to draw attention to herself instead of my fathers death . i couldn`t tolerate it anymore

im so sorry about your experience with so called friend , i feel like maybe you mom was jealous of you and she felt you having friend diminish her control over you , maybe you talk to them , and maybe that makes her look bad or you actually realized that she is not a good mother , sometimes we think their behavior is normal but only when you talk with others you realized youve been mistreated, my mom was also jealous of my friend

i know that was a very long reply , sorry for that have a good day

Dear Anita

its chilling how our experiences are similar , and that make me think our mothers have a similar mental disorder , its like having a cold and the similar symptoms . obviously it is more devastating . i agree with you , i think my mom might had  BPD and a little bit of narcissism , actually not a bit but a lot . she also had experienced trauma from the past but was never under therapy as my brother who refuses the therapy in all costs. it is sad and the only way i can see to handle that is to distancing myself . I tried to help him but its pointless . i read about BPD when i was diagnosed  myself that people with disorder feel empty inside and try to preoccupy themself with others attention even if its negative , i feel they just want to influence people no matter in positive or negative ways

I too felt that any criticism I received- from myself and from another- was a devastating criticism, as if all of me was criticized. It’s a reaction of a shame-based individual: any and every criticism is seen as evidence that the whole self, the whole being is criticized. (My reaction was to attack myself; I spent lots of time in self-torment).i m sorry for it , im glad you used the past tense again . i can relate to it , i was so closed off to people , honestly i still am but much less , because i was afraid if i screw up something they will attack me like my family , when i got more social i realize people are much more careful with their words than my own family . the sad part is i felt shameful if they were very nice too me , i felt threatened too . in my mind 1-I didnt deserve it 2-maybe they want something from me and the last one was  if they get to know me and they realized im not worthy of their kindness then i would be a total disappointment , thats why i kept my distance from people . im curious about your friendships from childhood till now , did you have problem having good friends. i know finding a good friend is hard but its much harder when you dont even feel safe in your home with your mom . You were safe crossing the street that day but you were not safe telling your mother about it, i like how you put it in this sentence.

 I took my breaks when she was not home, when I was alone,  daydreaming to music.it was exactly like me , i happened to like being alone it was more peaceful .

my mother was like that, this is why when I tried to communicate with her honestly (and no matter how gentle i was with words) you couldnt be gentle enough , you werent supposed to even think they can be wrong and i think it`s their strategy to silence any criticism with exaggerated anger to have a upper hand all the times.

yes ,i got to jog today , i hope you had a good day too .

farnaz

thank you dear Anita , i`m gonna answer you in few hours , that was a busy day , take care

dear Anita

thank you for your kind words , not only kind but accurate too . i wish i could give you a hug right now.

but before i answer your question i wanted to share some stuff about my day , that was actually a good day . i close a lease??do you say in English ?the contract for renting a flat ?anyway im moving out from the house i once lived with both parents . its exciting and sad in the same time  but more exciting , i feel this is the end of an era . actually my brothers friend help me find it  the greater society in my personal life has been so far, way, WAY better to me than my mother has been, in my case better than my family but my brother actually supported me through his friend , he wired the money i needed immediately , it was my money but he lent me some extra for getting the new flat which is closer to him , and im happy for that i think the change of place can truly help me .

i hope you are having a good day too , i thank you so much for truly paying attention to what i wrote and even quoting from my older posts , it`s very rare nowadays .

I am guessing that she saw in you things she didn’t want to see in herself , she was very critical as you can imagine and close minded , i couldnt be honest with her, i didnt talk about stuff that happened to me because even though maybe she didn`t blame me in that moment , she would use against me later FOR SURE , she was  educated  and she put so much pressure on us for studying and once she called my sister an slut because she had a bad grade .

 It is an emotional dagger to the heart.even reading it makes my heart ache literally

 I found out that I was worthless, but not completely. I knew something was wrong about my mother’s behavior.. her disproportional over-reactions and other behaviors. im glad to hear that i think some people could never realized it , my brother is one example  , sometimes i feel he wants to impress me because i look like my mom alot and now that im writing it i feel guilty because i didnt approve of him either , not out of shadiness but im truly disappointed that he is closeminded and never listen to anyone and he is lazy and unmotivated …

And now, in regard to the anger-exercise: when you typed the above paragraph, were you sitting down? Perhaps you want to stand up straight with your head held high and repeat the above out loud, with a strong, confident voice, and add to it, if more occurs to you…?I was sitting down when typing it , and i said it loud and with confidence after doing i feel that my mom would accept that in her heart i know part of her rejecting me is actually not approving herself as good mother ,i can only guess that applies to your mother too ,  but she would be very offended and attack me back , but we dont need their apology or acceptance anymore , do we?i mean its good to say what you feel but we dont need them to acknowledge that they were wrong . its like giving them more power ,we know what happened to us was not fair but i  personally don`t care for an apology . i needed it before but not now . how about you ?have  you tried to talk to your mom about how she made you feel ?or maybe you wrote about it to your self ?and how did you feel after your own anger exercise here last time

Farnaz

Dear Anita

i`m so so sorry for misunderstanding it .

you know my style is different i can`t describe the scenes that happened to me with a lot of details maybe because i blocked them because the events made me sad and angry. but i can describe how i felt exactly

for example when i was in high school , something happened. i dont remember what exactly , but i know the reaction of my family was not proportional to the situation , that was awful ,i remember my mom was so angry and my brother told her why you bring her (me)in this world after all !!! they were brutal , i remember my dad was not exactly defending me but wasnot as aggressive as them , i cried for hours , and i had a puffy face next morning when i went to school and my friend noticed and ask me about that i didnt say anything to her , now that i look back i think i believed them and that situation make me so miserable, i felt worthless  but not completely , i think even in that time i realized something is not right about the reaction , i could forgive my mom more easily but my brother was so cruel , actually he is not changed that much

now that i look back if i could talk to my mom i would say you F up , what kind of mother would say that , do you think blaming me and some how separating yourself from me because of  my imperfections makes you a superior person and good mother ????

i think seeing that kind of cold behavior from my mother  made myself insensitive  and cold to others too , i realized a lot of stuff i say to people is too direct and hurtful and i didn`t consider  their reasoning behind their behavior and i was selfish

Dear Anita thats ok with me to not get a quick response from you ,and i admit i`m nervous about it but i rather do it anyway , do you mind if you started first ?

Farnaz