i dont appreciate your attitude , you have been so condescending and treating me like im a little girl who cant handle hard subjects . you are projecting your own issues on me , e,g being upset at me and telling im upset at you . you bring up my BPD diagnosis to explain my behavior . which was out of the line . i believe you really need to devalue me to calm yourself right now and it s maybe because you pick up some clues from my notes which in your opinion shows disrespect or being annoyed and your tone was very passive aggressive lately , i understand you might are having some issues in your life and unfortunately im not a mental health worker and im not equipped to help you . i hope you get help or sort your problems by yourself eventually because i dont deserve to be at receiving end of your hostility and frustration .

best wishes

farnaz

dear Anita

thank to you too

about the doctor , i discussed with him about my hurt and i said to him his behavior was wrong and he still choose to continue his behavior , could we just agree on disagree ?he is not worth it

far

dear Anita

thank you for being honest with me , i wasnt angry at you because you brang holidays and new year resolution , maybe because we are chatting and not speaking , that came like i was angry . i remembered all the time i set a goal for new year and i did nt achieve it and maybe that same out as anger but it wasnt directed to you . however i got annoyed when you told me saying the doctor that his mom is a wh@@@ wouldnt be helping to him , it angered me that you think i should help him when he basically kick me when i was down . i was angry and let myself go and lash to someone who deserved to be insulted in this particular case , did i want a apology ?no , because i knew i couldnt get from him . do i care for him to get a better person ?no , he didnt ask for my help and i dont believe in changing people . i just wanted to call him out on his behavior s i wouldnt play this in my mind over and over about how i should do or say this or that , im relieved right now , im not angry about him anymore .

–your anger at him deserves my time. My anger ruled my life, anger and fear, I’d say. So, whatever anger is strong in you deserves your time and mine.i appreciate that you care about me and how i feel , however in my experience i learned to not dig deep in situations like that , the less i talked about it the less the situation affect me .  i talked about this incidence twice , once here and another time with a friend and i didn`t say the whole thing .

Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships, often characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation, also known as ‘splitting’… * Inappropriate, intense anger that can be difficult to control…” i was  diagnosed with BPD based on the sense of abandonnement once someone ignores me and the way i reacted to my emotions , i was controlling and confront the person who was ignoring me and asking them what was wrong with them to do it but actually i was asking what is wrong about me to make you to ignore me  , to be honest im not like this anymore or it gets much better right now . im not that focused on other people opinion of me . i got too much time to obsessing over peoples opinion before and i believed everybody was like that , i mean i thought  they were sitting somewhere trying to ignore me on purpose , i dont think like that anymore once i started to work . i was overvaluing some people around me who are not good influence and wanted to drag me down , but i dont know what actually happened after my dad passed ?i guess i just realized life is too short to spend my time with this people , i mean the people who are intentionally mean or are generally inconsistent in their efforts so you wouldnt know how you stand with them .   i get rid of them , maybe im bpd free . im not sure but honestly i dont have that rage i used to have and i dont feel that emptiness , i used to feel .

i hope you didnt translate my lack of interest to talk about this guy as an aggression , it doesnt work for me to talk about it , i was there when i was constantly talking behind someone back who hurt me over and over , i admit im still doing it but it became much less that before and i could feel that putting a lot of thoughts and talking makes me suffer for longer period , its not for me .

at the end i wish we can pass this situation because i think there was no intention to do harm on either side .

best wishes and happy new year

far

dear Anita

it amazes me that they, the parents who manipulate their children this way, did not study how to do this in school. Parents who did not attend any school at all, not even grammar school (let alone a university), parents with a lower IQ perform this manipulation successfully. this is very interesting , it comes so effortless for them but can you imagine if they were actually smart?their ability to destroy other`s life would be much worse. as some infamous people in history did destroy millions of life because they were smart to get in higher and more powerful position.

i found out that most of people with manipulating behavior are relying too much on power of their words and effect their word have on others , they are too lazy or too dumb to actually make something valuable happen or  think they are too smart so they can  do nothing and sitting their a@@ down and still behave or talk like someone who knows all the answers or getting credit for someone elses effort  or manipulating others to do their work . i think if they had to do something themselves , it wouldnt be that satisfying for them , they want credit without doing anything so they can prove they are smarter than others .

But for the victims of this manipulation, it takes a higher IQ, education and years of hard work to undo the mess , yes they are so talented like this , good for them .

as 2022 comes to a close, how about a freer 2023 for you and for me?! thats great but we dont need new year or any other special occasions , do we ? lets say i dont have that faith on new year resolution , lol . we don`t actually celebrate new year now .

Also, how did you feel when exploding at the doctor.. and after: was it all joy or was there a conflict within you, some leftover distress over it? i smiled as im typing this paragraph , lol . in his case no way . i enjoyed it not because he deserved that but because all the expectations he did have regarding having sex with me and actually treating me like trash or at best having me as a side chick for whenever he was horny and he didnt get any of them , he took be for granted and it was so satisfying to say f you , i think he believed his behavior would make him irresistible and they fact that he rejected me , make me to want him even more and would do anything to get him , after all i was in vulnerable position but he was so wrong . i might be wrong , but i don`t think i am , i mean wrong about believing he was rejecting me in order to make me more , i would like to know your opinion about it

about other situations , i feel like i could be more assertive and upfront about what i dont like when i wasnt having problem with other person , so anger wouldnt be accumulated in me and makes me suddenly explode , i think in some cases excluding the aunt and step mom , another person didnt know something is bothering me or didn`t want to upset me on purpose . i feel bad about those cases .

hope to hear from you soon ,

far

dear Anita

happy 16th page , lol

thank you for infos regarding nursing and immigration , i`m definitely gonna search it more in future days .

 no, I was talking about another criminal, his name was Charles Manson. He had young people who followed him: not members of his biological family, but people who were called (in the news and in books) “The Family”. i heard about him and his Family who were consisted of young ,naive woman who killed sharon tate , roman polansky`s pregnant wife and her friends in their house very violently . he was certainly a very charismatic ,  twisted  and evil man . i think he is still alive .

i was watching an episode about a cult leader called keith raniere who claimed to be the most genious man in the world who manipulated lots of people , mainly women to follow him and convinced the women to have sex with him , whenever he wanted and make them believe this is for their own good , a then famous actress called Allison mack was his sidekick and he proceeded to brand these women with initial of his name and allisons name . the case was so infuriating, but make me wonder why always women are the main target , why its so compelling for these psychos to have so many young women who worship them to make them feel powerful , can`t they compete with another guy over power which is the most important thing in their life plus control , they seem to not dare to mess with other guys .

 she projected her feeling of being a Nothing into me, yes. But she didn’t perceive me to be a continuum, or a continuation of herself. In her mind, I was very much a Stranger, and too often, an enemy. she was an enemy to herself too , wasnt she ?not in conscious level . i truly believe she didnt like you because she didnt like herself , also you were more loving which i believe that shows courage and being a bigger person and that pissed her off , she didnt see it in herself and i think she realized you would eventually see through her and leave .

Their short-term benefit was simply to feel better at the moment, and that, they achieved. in my experience these people usually dont see the bigger picture and want the immediate satisfaction , its either because they are impulse or they just see a chance to screw you over so they take it and get the benefit , not realizing they broke the bridges and cant go back , amazingly they dont expect you to remember and not letting them to do it again , after all we are subhumans in their eyes . im glad for you because you freed yourself you owned it to you ( im not sure i`m grammatically correct).

yes, it is not joyful to be overpowered by another. The joy is in overpowering the other. yes according to these kind of people as you said in your post another day , they can`t have a win win relationship .

as far as understanding the psychology of our respective parents, it seems to me that you, like me, have been interested in dissecting and finding meaning in understanding them (and ourselves) better. im interested in analyzing it especially with some one who can understand it , but i dont want to dwell on it , asking the questions like why it happened ?why they were like that ?why it should happen to me , that just makes me angry and hopeless , i cant do anything about it .although i must admit in some instances i enjoy remembering moments that i stopped caring about person i used to care about , i mean who took me for granted and a fool , its painful to remember how much i cared for them and try to help them or be good to them but at the same time , its joyful to think im no longer their fool and it is a win for me and a loss for them . is it malicious to see it that way ?i honestly believe that i changed dramatically my behavior toward a person , i tolerated their behavior too many times but they do something awful the last time and thats it for me . i usually just cut with them and dont explain anything , i think its pointless in most of times to explain your self to THESE kind of people , i fewer occasions like the heartless heart doctor , i exploded (again , no regrets, lol), but im curios to hear your opinion about it , is it too cold to cut somebody who wronged you , all of sudden ?

far

dear Anita

so you live in Washington , i have an old classmate who lives in washington dc . i know it`s cold and i heard it snowed very heavily in some states of US, i hope you are ok in your evergreen state .

very good point. Some people “solve” their problems by making their problems bigger, and then even BIGGER. i know some people who are expert doing this , maybe im been condescending . i guess that should somehow work for them , maybe they want to be busy with their problems and not thinking abut bigger stuff which are mind bugling for them , i know thats true for my brother as an example.

for me i know im overthinker  and sensitive and as i said i tried not search for heavy stuff like politics and religion , ive rather to be exhausted with work or any physical work that try to dissect and find the meaning of things . thats why i guess i dont make my life harder .

 not in my case: my mother was right there at the start of my life, to tell me and show me how ugly the world is. I have no memory whatsoever of ever being blissfully naive. but she wasnt realistic , she was negative and miserable , that applied to my mom too , i believe they didnt trust themselves at all and they were right , they couldnt handle hard issues , like balancing between the difference of them and their children character and solve familial dispute with respect and love . they didnt have the emotional maturity and patience to manage it so  they would freak out , make a scene and blaming everyone and try to control the situation by aggression and character assassination .

no, to my surprise, she did not protest or chase me for contact, not in any way, shape or form that is strange but my only guess is because you overpowered her , it wasnt joyful for her to intimidate you , you got stronger and she sensed it, these kind of people are very good in judging who they can manipulate and use for their own benefits  and im sure, she wasnt happy about it , its highly possible she found someone else to torture after a while .

I used to think, as a child, that she couldn’t live without me, that I was the center of her life. I was very wrong. Truth is.. she was my Everything, and I was Nothing much to her. After all, she told me when angry, her words: “You are Nothing, a big Zero!“. Looking back at all of the situations that I remember, situations that included me, her and other people (and she was not at all angry): she treated the other people as Somebodies and me.. as a Nobody. im so sorry for that , thats so painful , but i think , she think of you as a continuum of herself and she saw herself as nothing so were nothing too. that i`m sure about .

I wonder if, for now, it’d significantly easier and faster for you to get certified to work in the U.S. as a Registered Nurse (RN) or better, as a Nurse Practitioner (NP)– they make so much money and there is a great shortage of nurses here. interesting , in Iran there is  also a shortage for nurses .  i have some plans in my mind and i`m going to search about working as a registered nurse  or NP too , thank you for suggestion , and by the way what is the meaning of registered nurse , is there multiple ways to become a nurse except going to university ?

far

dear Anita

i used to get very frustrated when i was studying abroad , because every one would think Iran is a dessert and there is no rain or snow and greenery but to be fair the most part of iran is desert and the north is the only region which is green all the time .

 She would be 110 when she is released from prison, if she lives that long..  not likely, of course. My goodness. hell no  . she was so creepy , she was her own lawyer , as most narcs choose to do it . as she was interrogating her own ex husband whom she attempted to kill , the questions she asked him and her attempt to discredit him was  so cringy and weird.

 of course you are deeper now, as deep as can be, I say! thank you,that`s so nice of you .

you substituted a deep value for things. yes and also for people who weren`t worthy , to be honest people and their opinion in general .

 I don’t know if I know of.. happy people. Sometimes happy, yes, but not on a regular, ongoing basis. Throughout childhood, we all get a fair amount of happiness squeezed out of us, is my experience. of course happy people are not happy all the times , but they approach their problems differently which usually dont get them more miserable than necessary . you can face a problem with blaming everyone , god and your perceived misfortune in life or you can skip that part and instead of asking why that happened , looking for ways to control the damage and be your best friend . that all happens in the mind . in childhood we were blissfully naive , we didnt see the ugly side of the world or we couldn`t recognize it as wrong and ugly , so we were happier .

 this is what I grew up, maybe even more than you did, heavy duty criticisms of how people look. It is embarrassing to even remember it! and i`m 99% sure it comes from people who considered themselves as the most smart and sophisticated

 I helped her after all, by.. being there, doing nothing (other than passively receiving her abuse). im  sorry for the experience and for the time you wasted for fixing her , and im curious what was her reaction when you stopped contacting her ? i can imagine that can`t be good .

 how exciting, the idea that you might…awwww thank you.

i should take a milion exams though .

 this is the Farnaz Attitude that I love!!! lol , that`s why i said that and i mean it

have a good night sleep

far

dear Anita

i know it`s kind of late but happy 15th page , lol .

You are welcome and thank you: it is a great pleasure and benefit for me to be here with you, to communicate as we do!thank you . this  is the part of the day i look forward , it is stress relieving for me personally .

 A True Story of Passion and Murder” by Ann Rule so you are also interested in true crimes, me too . the reality is always stranger than fiction , isnt it ? i was into reading more   when i was a teenage but i got lazy , i prefer watching videos rather than reading , latter  is more engaging but i do another stuff while watching these videos , good stuff obviously , lol . it was interesting for me that you actually read this case , but im not sure  Ann rule was her daughter or an author who wrote her story ?because i remember her daughter who was adapted later in her life contacted Diane , did she write a book ? … and Diane was accusing her daughter to plot against her,  crazy and delusional . to be fair you can`t expect better from a mom who kills her own kids .

histrionics never learn to give up center stage or their beloved mirrors“. it`s like a drug and they are hooked, unfortunately for the people around them

 it’s the combination of my mother’s ignorance and her insistence to not learn, that angers me. No matter how hard I tried, as a teenager and onward, having read books on mental health and such, to teach her something, anything at all…  she INSISTED to not learn, not a SINGLE THING. that reminds of my father , he insisted there is nothing wrong with him and his behavior . so he wouldn`t change anything about him but he was actually very talented and was discovering new ways to play mind games , so i guess he was learning something.

 I think that my mother had to make her internal, private chaos=> external and public. It was a relief to not be in chaos all by herself. i ve never thought of that , this way . i guess its true ,it`s not  fair for them to live such a chaotic unpleasant life and others to be calm , in their minds . i believe this is therapeutic for them to see people in agony .

i was never a competitive person or particularly jealous one . i dont say i didnt feel jealous  or insecure but i guess it wasnt in my nature to compare my self to others and try to raise above them , it feels good but its not that appealing to me , sometimes i feel like im too relaxed but its the reason i get very angry and frustrated with this kind of people , the one who should be in center of attention and dont you notice they usually brag about materialistic and shallow things in life?at least in my experiences , but i can imagine the tension they must experience every minute of the day because they have to be relevant in any situation and i dont think they can do by being themselves and reminding their own business . they should get attention all the time because they feel so empty . its not an easy life to live . dont get me wrong , screw them but still something to think about .

when i write the last paragraph i was thinking about my mom , my sister , the aunt and step mom to less extent my dad . i `m wondering why they are mostly females .

 No matter how hard I tried, as a teenager and onward, having read books on mental health and such, to teach her something… it broke my heart that you were trying to fix her , i imagine you didnt think of yourself of being worthy of trying to feel yourself better  rather than her back then , am i right  ? when my mom was sick i only thought of her feeling not caring about mine at all . and its too much for a teenage dealing with stuff we endured and try to fix it all by ourselves.

 Because adding sugar and salt is cheap, not illegal and profitable, these are added to numerous products. and that makes doctors rich too in long run , lol . its been for a while that im thinking about all the tricks the companies and shops use to make us buy more , its their business and they should have benefit , that i understand but its very infuriating that people with jobs related to maintaining , repairing ,  securities and health earn less money than others . they are considered as essential workers. in recent years suicide in medical residents become so often in Iran , just imagine someone who doesnt have a good night sleep at least 12 nights a month for a year and being under constant stress , because they are basically an student and they should answer to at least 4 people in a given night and maybe 30 overall , and they earn a salary as little as a simple worker who lift heavy objects with no education , that goestoo  to repairmen , it actually depends on their speciality but compare it to a hair colorist , he/she could earn double salaries of this essentiel workers in one day , isnt it messed up ?

Maybe it is an economic opportunity for people there (it is very expensive here and it is my biggest chosen indulgence)i should search more and get to know about prices , i dont think its cheap here , i`ll let you know

far