Your freaking out because of lose of control, you had “your future planned” and now you dont. And as a control freak you cant handle that.

To me, it sounds like the real you wants and is trying to come out, but the old you wont let it. It read as if there was a battle going on inside you and your ego was doing everything it could to keep itself alive and in control. You see the ego needs an identity for it have none means it would no longer exist and it cannot have that under any circumstances.

One night have an internal chat with yourself, reassure the inner child with in that you will be ok. That you love her and will protect her no matter what, they need not be scared of the future or need not worry, you will look after her and care for her and love her. Fostering a loving relationship with your inner child will help, I know it might sound corny an all but it really does, least for me it did. Listen to yourself, what is your self talk to yourself like? Is it negative? do you call yourself stupid, dumb, etc? Why? You’d never put up with that from anyone else, why do it to yourself? Your destroying this inner wisdom and force that knows what is good for you if only you would listen and let it speak from the heart.

You have to stop thinking. Compulsive thinking all the time will burn you out and left unchecked it will run rampant and damage you. Just stop!!! just turn off, learn to use your mind only when you need it. How? through mindfulness and meditation. Try and get into the mindset of using your mind only when you need it for something that requires thought. Start by looking at things around you. Just look at them for what they are, do not attach any meaning to them/it nothing, not even what it is called, just look at the shape of it and even at that do not say, OK that’s a circle, square. If you notice a thought, say “hey, I see you trying to sneak in the back door, get out of here mister!”

Poor diet = poor moods. Look up how a body deficient in magnesium can lead to all sorts of mental problems especially depression, conversely look up the benefits of talking a liquid supplement of it. I’ve been doing so for about 2 months now and feel 100 times better. It lifted my mood big time and I’ve not had any bad bad days, I’ve had a few days where I’ve been low but nothing like I used to be. You said your all for trying naturally to treat your depression, Please give it a ago. The one I use is called Sauls Liquid Magnesium, it tastes so good too, they use oranges, peach, lemons, grapefruit to the flavor so it tastes pretty damn good too.

You have answered your own question here, “Why should I suffer when I haven’t done anything wrong” the real question is why are you allowing yourself to suffer?

I suspect you already know how to, but your just a little too concerned how others judge and perceive you. And you have correctly identified this in yourself. Think for a minute how you are giving away your power to people all the time. Imagine, how much more a great person you could become if you invested that amount of attention and time in yourself, rather than comparing yourself to others. You’d be a powerhouse of unshakable confidence. Always remember, To wish to be someone else, is a waste of the person you are.

Let me ask you this Sandy, How do you see people?

As people or as objects?

If your conscious thoughts are not in line with your subconscious then no matter how much you pray, meditate, think positive thoughts etc you will never see results. This is universal and it applies to everyone trying to attract abundance.

Consider, most people use about 5% of there conscious brain to do tasks all day, it leaves a whopping 95% of the subconsciousness to wander and drift unchecked. and what is it filled it? Lots of crap and bad stuff, negativity, old beliefs, bad habits, destructive thoughts, all placed there and forming and collecting since you were born. The first 6 years of your life being so vitally important as your in receiver state mode, just soaking up and storing and believing everything around you from, parents, TV, doctors, teachers in school, your environment, your siblings, your friends, your extended family, all telling you this and that, all of it going into the subconsciousness. You need to either change this or forge a new one.

What do you discover when you ask yourself, “Who am I?

Your either the sum of your own past experiences or either someone else’s beliefs and ideas of who you think you ought to be. Both are wrong in my eyes,
The question should be, What am I? not who am I