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EvFranParticipantDear Scoob/I.
Yes, I fully understand that life changes for all of us, we focus on different things at different times. What I don’t get is that these 2 friends were the ones who initiated contact, they insisted that I stay with them as long as I wanted to – I move a lot, so I’d never stay forever 🙂 They told me how much they loved me, that I was the only person they could trust, they wanted to work with me etc etc. Then one day, out of the blue, they just dropped me like a hot potato. Without any apparent reason or discussion before. I am already over it and carry on with life, meeting new people everywhere I go. I was just wondering why these people told me those nice things. I trusted them because I had known them for years and friendship is very important to me. Now I realise that I didn’t know them. I am also more aware of how people with narcistic personality can act, even though it’s difficult to detect it in the beginning or until you lived with them together in the same house.
Also, I can understand that things don’t always work out between friends but I think that we can talk about it and end it afterwards. Especially when you ‘trust and love’ someone so deeply.
Well, hard learned lessons but life goes on.
Thanks for sharing your experience and for your support.
EvFranParticipantDear Anita, thanks a lot for your Christmas wishes, it’s very kind of you. I wish you the same and a very happy 2024!
EvFranParticipantDear Luna,
I hope that you are well. I am glad that we agree on the importance of genuine friendship where we feel equal. I understand what you mean by one-sided relationship. It’s very generous and kind of you that you had reached out to your friend and I find it simply rude that she didn’t show up. Maybe she couldn’t but she could have told you in advance. I really don’t know why it has become so difficult to communicate when we have all the tools of the universe. Life worked fine – or even better – without cell phones. When we agreed with my friends that we would meet somewhere in a few days, it worked out perfectly well. I could find streets with a paper map as well. I am not against technology but I notice some regression since we have the option to communicate so fast. I love my Google maps and other gadgets and wonder sometimes how I could even exist without it before 🙂
Yes, you are right, we must learn from our experiences. I have realized it and learned my lessons. I still love and miss those lost friends but it was their choice to leave me, so I cannot do much about it.
I understand your dilemma about the situation. It’s so hard. You know her very well, so just follow your gut feeling. Maybe you could explain to her in a letter how you’ve been feeling for a while, that’s why you end the relationship. I think it’s a respectful way of ending a long and deep friendship.
I am sure that you will take the good decision, let me know about the progress.
Hugs,
Eva
EvFranParticipantDear Luna,
It’s nice to see you back. I am so sad to read about your friendship ending. Every friend is so precious and I always think it will last forever whatever happens – call me naive or idealist. I am convinced that good friends can talk about issues and explain things – even if things end with a separation, I would need to talk it out and understand what had happened. Unfortunately it’s not always possible.
So if you’d like to share more or discuss point of views, let me know. I’ve lost a few good friends lately, so maybe an outsider point of you could be helpful or comforting .
I can only repeat what Anita said: try to go out and connect with other friends or even strangers. Go to movies, to theaters, to markets or for a swim. That’s what I do in order to focus on more positive things in life.
I hope that you’ll feel better soon! Hugs, Eva
EvFranParticipantI meant smily faces, not smoky…
EvFranParticipantDear Luna
Thanks very much for coming back on this. Yes, we certainly attract people with our current vibes. I think I got attracted to these people because they showed a different face of theirs. A smoky, cool, fun, enthusiastic face. I didn’t know their other face – which is only shown at home or once they get kinda used to you. No clue. One thing is sure: they seem to have two faces. In both cases I have cut contact. As I explained it previously, unfortunately I don’t see any other option right now. I have tried many things during the last year but I only got ignored or hurt. As much as it hurts me, I have to understand that tjis is the only way to protect myself and not waste my time. Life can get quite surreal with a narcistic person, who contradict herself 3 times in one sentence, who can explain everything, who is always right, who is always late, who has 0 empathy and always talks badly even about her best friend 🙂
Wish you a lovely week and thanks again for your thoughts.
EvFranParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks so much for your kind words, they made me so happy.
I think this space is here to help people, not to judge them. If one needs advice, we can give our opinion but it’s up to the person to make his/her own decision. We can agree or disagree with it, but we are not in the situation, so cannot judge adequately, in spite if the empathy we might feel. So if you decided to cut your mother off, it’s your decision and nobody has the right to criticize you for that.
I hope that you are enjoying a nice weekend!
Catch up soon, Eva
EvFranParticipantDear Tammy87,I am sorry to hear about the bully. I didn’t imagine it so bad. It seems that this person is toxic. I fully understand that you feel your feelings have devalued. I would trust my gut feeling. If you don’t trust your best friend any more and you see her much less anyway, then stop seeing her. You don’t even need to explain why. If this causes you so much pain, it’s no use to carry on seeing her.EvFranParticipantHi Anita,I am surprised that you thought I would criticize your answer. You – very kindly – have spoken very frankly about your own experience with your mother in order to help me. I guess it’s not easy to talk about it.I only had to do with a narcistic person – whom I don’t love as deeply as you love/d your mother! – for a year. Even during this short period of time she managed to confuse me completely, make me feel stupid, question my own sanity and hurt me. So I can definitely feel how horrible it was for you to live with such a person for years. Especially with a person whom you deeply loved. I can feel the huge disappointment and I am not surprised at all that you cut her off. There’s no other option in the end. Even if we miss and love that person. There’s no other option because these people cannot act otherwise. They were hurt so much from a very young age that it’s too late now for them to change. They developed a narcistic behavior as a defense mechanism. They would need decades of therapy to realize what’s going on and I am not sure that even that would help.I think of my friend every day and would love to catch up but I won’t. Because I know that we would get back to the same pattern as before. And – as I said previously -, it’s useless to tell her anything, she doesn’t even let you finish a sentence. She knows everything better, can explain everything. So, unfortunately, we can only disappear quietly. Otherwise we go nuts.I am happy that you have become who you are today. And I am certainly not the only one who thinks so on this forum 🙂EvFranParticipantCorrect version …’ve been thinking about your question and I can only say things from my perspective. I understand your pain, I think I would be hurt as well in a similar situation. But you say it happened a few years ago. So if I understand it correctly, you’ve been spending time with your best friend in spite of the fact that she was seeing the bully person.
Has your best best friend’s behavior changed since she was seeing Ms. Bully?
I would talk to my best friend openly and honestly about my feelings and would ask her what she finds so attractive about Ms. Bully. Maybe , now that she has children herself, Ms. Bully has changed during all those years and regrets deeply that she had hurt anyone. She might have even forgotten the incident. Who knows. So many things can happen in a few months!
As I said, this is just my opinion, I am not in your shoes, so you decide what to do.
I hope that whatever you decide will be the best for you and for your friendship! Good luck.
EvFranParticipantHi Tammy87,
I’ve been thinking a out your question and I can only say things from my perspective. I understand your pain, I think I would be hurt as well in a similar situation. But you day it happened a few years ago. So if I understand it correctly, you’ve been spending time with your best friend in spite of the fact that she was seeing the bully person.
Has your vest best friend’s behavior changed since she is seeing Ms. Bully?
I would talk to my best friend openly and honestly about my feelings and would ask her what she finds so attractive about Ms. Bully. Maybe , now that she has children herself, Ms. Bully has changed during all those years and regrets deeply she had hurt anyone. She might have even forgotten the incident. Who knows. So many things can happen in a few months!
As I said, this is just my opinion, I am.not in your shoes, so you decide what to do.
I hope that whatever you decide will be the best for you and for your friendship! Good luck.
EvFranParticipant<p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita,</p>
I am so sorry you had this experience with your mother! It’s a miracle that you survived and became a normal, loving person, full of empathy. It shows how strong and intelligent you are. Through my experience with my friend – which is really nothing compared to yours -, I can fully understand that you have cut your mother off and will never get back in touch with her. I cannot understand that even after she understood how much she had hurt you, she cannot make an effort. It’s probably stronger than she. She’s been conditioned like this by something she might not realize.Luckily you did, you escaped.
Thank you so much for answering my question so honestly. You don’t know how much I appreciate it! I hope it was not too hurtful to dig into these emotions again.
EvFranParticipantHi Anita,
Tues morning, in about 16-20 hours from now is perfect 🙂
EvFranParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with your mother! You read my thoughts. Since you mentioned her, I’ve been wondering how you dealt with the situation as a little girl and what kind of boundaries you had built up to protect yourself. It must have been terrible to realize who she was. How old were you when you had figured it out? Is she still alive? Do you have siblings or you are an only child? If you don’t feel comfortable with answering all these questions, no problem, I will understand. I probably cannot even imagine the pain somebody can have when s/he understands that s/he doesn’t exist for her/his mother. S/he is just a thing to feed. It must be terrifying.
I find it interesting that you think they manipulate out of habit. It means that they don’t even understand they hurt people. It means that we cannot even talk about it because they wouldn’t understand. At least that’s how I feel with my friend. She’s always right, the whole world is wrong, she can explain everything. Nobody can argue with her. Her truth is universal. So I think it’s better to disappear and say nothing.
Thanks again for sharing, I appreciate your honesty very much!
EvFranParticipantDear Anita!
I am sorry about your mum having a narcistic personality. It must have been terrible to realize it. But it certainly helped you develop your fantastic skills. Learned in a hard way.
It’s interesting what you say about being stuck in a childhood development stage. Yes, she probably loved her mother, although she says no. Very complex case. Who would have thought! I have still no answer to my message of a few weeks ago, so I will not react. It’s difficult for me not to check on her but I have to learn and change behavior, otherwise I will fall into the same pattern all the time. It’s just difficult to understand that someone tells you she loves and trusts you and when you are not around she forgets about you, you don’t exist anymore. I am wondering whether she does it on purpose. Is she able to calculate how to use people ahead for months? Or is it spontaneous, she cannot help it. In both cases, I think that she would need therapy. A professional help. But obviously, I would never dare to say that to her.
Thanks Anita for your help, it’s always a pleasure to read you.
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