Hi Gary,

I appreciate your intellect and drive to communicate topics that are difficult to express, and to provide a system/framework/understanding that benefits all.

If I may offer my personal experience with your writings to date, is that I get confused and I engage my mind in order to read fully what you are communicating. I feel the shift from my heart/body/present and enter critical thinking to absorb what is written. Perhaps it is within me – I am unsure. Perhaps my vocab needs expanding, however this my experience.

For me, beauty is in simplicity – I would enjoy reading your works, remaining centred and present whilst doing so.

This is not a criticism or an attempt to be derogatory, but genuine feedback as requested. From someone who enjoys your intellect and passion, I hope this is constructive for you…..

Best

Evan

Hi Plvillegas,

Thank you for sharing, and opening up. I can feel the hurt and pain in your words, but also your sense your heart is trying to tell you something. The summary you share, leads me to offer some words that may help….

Firstly, you are not responsible for anyone else’s emotional state. I have also had a relationship where depression is present, and as much as you try, say, do or intend, you are not responsible for changing or fixing him. This means also that you are not responsible to put yourself on the line, stopping your own studies, uplifting your life, and committing to him with everything you have for his betterment, or mental state. You can support, listen, understand, talk, discuss, share thoughts and feelings, but you can not be responsible for what he feels. He must work on himself, as it is his journey. Considering that there is also a level of instability that already exists, you need to ensure that your cup is full, before being there for him.

Secondly, I would suggest that the greatest issue here is trust. Trust is a pillar of a relationship between people, without trust, it is near impossible to continue a relationship as it was. It can be done, but there is a lot of work to rebuild to where the relationship was. This needs to be recognised and accepted by both people, and a willingness to rebuild the trust. To build trust, you give it first and see if it returns back to you. You have done this from what I sense. Your mind now is confused as the trust is broken. You mind is unwilling to accept this at the moment, because your love is still strong for him. Trust and respect go hand in hand…… I sense that both have been tested already.

I also have experienced similar in a relationship (although I initiated the breakups), where something was just not aligned in the relationship, and after separating on numerous occasions, a strong desire to return back to what existed was constantly there. What needs to be addressed here are boundaries. No more instability, and each person must know what those boundaries are. If broken, you must have self integrity and walk away. Perhaps this has already happened, as lying and cheating are not frivolous acts. Boundaries are a guide, and can change upon agreement, and they grow as the trust and respect grows. this is also a pilar of a relationship as it builds.

Putting myself in your shoes, I would allow some distance in the relationship to occur and spend time with myself for a while, keep working at my goals, and allow myself to discover who I am now, after what has happened. Each relationship shapes us, redirects us, guides us, and changes us. For me, this would now become my utmost priority.

Sending a hug for your courage 🙂

Best

Evan

Hi Anita,

Great thread idea 🙂

I am Evan….. clearly…. and I have only just recently found and joined Tinybuddha. I am a single dad, mid forties, raising my youngest teenaged lad, work in IT as a system and network admin, and my hobbies include Aikido, Fine woodwork, and strolling around in nature. I would love to add gardening here, but I think potting would better explain what I actually do.

I was raised in a religious environment and my parents were loving but hard people. Once I left the religion, I kind of left my family also, but very quickly it seems now, I met and married, and had two kids. Almost a twenty year marriage with the last 5 years of it being extremely difficult, I found myself looking within in order to better myself and ‘save’ the relationship. Eventually the marriage ended with a natural division of the family. I discovered that the years of Aikido training and meditation had already peeled many layers off, however, it was only the beginning of a journey within that I now continue to explore. I have reconnected with my parents on a whole new level. After brief and tumultuous relationship, I am single and discovering myself for the first time in many years.

I have read many books from Eckhart Tolle, Zen, Aikido, I Ching, Louise Hayes etc… in order to help understand what my journey is about, and how to explain what I felt to my own mind. Language is so limited when conveying what Eckhart Tolle calls ‘Feltness”, and many sayings that are truely magnificent like “It is what it is” confuses the mind due to its simplicity that we tend to miss the message. I mention this as I find I dance around what I am trying to articulate in order to share a message at times.

I have enjoyed my Tinybuddha morning forum scan, and many great article to read. What a great place to share some love 🙂

Thank you to all

Best

Evan

Hi Nikosv,

The world is like a mirror and reflects things back to you. You can only ever recognise something ‘out there’ that is already within you. As uncomfortable as what this is at times, it is also the great revealer of thing for you to work on, that leads you to peace within yourself.

Perhaps to understand what the issue is for you internally, and enable you to discover the reason for your jealousy, try this experiment.

First question:- What if she never had another partner – you were the first. How do you feel, and why do you feel it? Is it fair that she can be jealous of your sexual past, and judge you for it? Is she allowed to interrogate you about your past? How does she feel knowing you are her first, but you have had many before her? Can you love her completely even though you have had sex with others? Are you comparing her to your other partners?

Second question:- What if her sexual past was ten times greater than it is presently? How would you feel, and why? Does this diminish her feelings for you? Are you simply a notch on her bed end? Could she possibly be faithful to you having so many partners? Is she comparing you to her previous partners?

You will find quickly, that this line of thought is simply a self esteem and self acceptance issue. This actually has nothing to do with her at all. Life is a journey of self discovery. She is living life and discovering what she likes and does not like. Perhaps if I were to ask…… Are you living in a way that is for your personal self discovery? Are you withholding your life experience for others? Are you holding back and wishing you were not?

Also look up the definitions of jealousy and envy…….

I hope this helps you discover something wonderful within 🙂

Best

Evan

Hi Wisdom,

So glad to hear you found something in these ideas. The mind is a slippery one!!!

Reflecting on what you said here… I will validate that what you are going through is so normal, and beating yourself up over the reoccurring pattern of thinking simply gives it more fuel. If I may suggest a few things to keep in mind over the next few days…..

1) The mind has momentum just like a boulder rolling down the hill. Retraining the mind (just like a muscle) is a discipline. So….may as well use some of that mind activity for a self love activity other than the constant barrage of self hurt. Create and use some space in the active mind to visualise you – when your mind is at peace, and you have a calm centre, and really know within, that this is you. Its there, and your thoughts are just making a very loud scenes inside your mind. Just like mine is 🙂

2) Forgive yourself – right now! It’s ok as it is! This stops the mind feeding itself even for a millisecond. Just keep forgiving, and forgiving….. We were not born with an instruction manual that our mind/thoughts can understand. It is written in a language only the heart can read. Your answers really are there, and just like reading a book, you can not read every page at the same time. The answer you need is there, but not when your mind instructs it. When you sense a space in your mind, or a quietness even for a moment….. don’t fill it. Allow it to be and see if a self loving thought takes its place naturally.

3) Worthy – Ok…. just like the momentum of the mind, this will take time. But be worthy for you and only you! You seek worthiness in others at a guess, because you have forgotten how to be worthy from within. Yet… here you are looking within, seeking and doing the work, taking steps, being disciplined. So your sense of worth can immediately start here – “I am being the best I can right now”. Even if this lasts a second or two – if was more than before.

4) Be patient – I love this saying….. You’re not having a life, you are life. The journey of life is the whole thing….. I can not remember the exact Buddha saying, but it something like….. Heaven on earth is here, Hell on earth is here… you get to choose. Knowing what to choose for yourself takes time…. and a whole lot of self love!

I hope this helps a bit, and take it is Wisdom! Go easy on yourself, as your healing is already underway, and just like cleaning up a muddy floor, you are bound to spread some mud around in the process.

Cheers

Evan

Hi Wisdom,

I enjoyed your free thinking and questioning in your posts. If I may share an idea or two…..

1) Worthy – My understanding of this word surrounds worth. What is my worth to myself or to someone else. Worth has a value point, or a score as such, which is by its own nature limited.

If my worthiness within is a value, then it is also changeable. This is something I could reevaluate and measure myself. Be my own cheerleader or critic. If it is worthiness from someone else, then this is something I can not control, and the only thing I can do to is accept what they choose. Remember acceptance does not mean agree, nor does it mean I am obligated to devalue my own worthiness based on someone else’s ‘score’ of me. I have tried changing myself, to improve my worthiness in another’s eye, but ultimately, I can never control that, so acceptance is the only true act I have.

My mind wanders from worthiness to love at this point. Love is not limited. Not an ego love, but true love. Perhaps if I were to allow myself to truly love who I am….. then I can not see where worthiness comes into the equation any longer.

2) Intuition vs Feeling – This can be difficult when my mind is busy…. which happens a lot. My simple test is based on the lemon experiment. Imagine a lemon in your mind, and see how you feel…. Now imagine biting into the lemon, and notice the change. It is a strong, loud and physically moving experience – especially if you don’t like eating lemons. Feelings are changeable based on the mind and it’s activity – vibrant, heavy, tingly, shivery etc…. and can go all over the body. This for me is feeling/emotion.

Now take a few slow breaths and rest your mind. Don’t focus on all the thoughts running around. Peacefully ask “Do I love myself” Do not focus on the minds response, but on your body – it is a deeper feeling than the lemon. This is quiet, calm, and expansive with no edge. This for me is intuition.

I am happy to respond with more – but perhaps there is some information in the above to answer your other two questions.

Take care

Evan