Also, I really really may have projected some of my anger onto him in a couple of our discussions. I’m really not sure, I feel like I’m not yet qualified to differentiate. I’m speaking from the way I remember I felt in a couple of our fights. I’m not sure if I reacted correctly, but on the other hand I under-reacted many times as well. It all depended on my mental state, I guess.
One of the good things I remember very well feeling as a consequence of this relationship (?) was feeling accepted, feeling enough and not falty, not hopeless. It was a very soothing feeling, like a breath of fresh air. Of course, that would only happen rarely.

There’s something which happened yesterday that I’d like to share. I’m sorry if it ends up being too long…

I was very low these past week, thinking constantly of my mistake, ashamed for not knowing any better and for investing so much time and energy into someone who clearly did not share my values, did not deserve my availability, thoughtfulness and dedication and did not respect me enough to be honest and clear about his intentions. Not only that but I was mocked and humiliated (i won’t get into details, it’s hurtful and embarrassing). When he told me in disgusting detail his true intents, and so obnoxiously as though he wanted to get back at me somehow, I was reactionless and could barely say anything. Yesterday, I was feeling like I could not go on without addressing some of his attitude. I still could not include in my response everything I had bottled up inside me, because I did not want the situation to be dragged on any further and also because I was too afraid of retaliations on his part. So I made response to him where I subtly called him out on his lack of morals and suggested he was like coward hiding behind a screen who takes pride in crushing those who are vulnerable. Unfortunately it was so subtle and he’s, as he recently shown to me, so so vapid and self-centered it probably flew over his head. It almost didn’t pay off, but in a way it did. I’ll explain this further on.

I could tell by his response that he totally missed some of my important points, but at least he had the common sense to not attack me. He did not have the decency to apologize. Said he ‘wishes me the best’, said something about ‘do not commit suicide, you can easily find a man if you want’. I don’t know why he took my response that way, I could only commit suicide for something along the lines of hating myself, I never said I’d commit suicide for a man, much less someone like him. Go figure. All I can make of it is that he’s too shallow and self-absorbed to understand. He says something like ‘But I helped you through your anxiety attacks and prevented you from suicidal thoughts in some occasions’. Like I should be so grateful for the time I wasted with him. If he hadn’t helped me in those occasions, I’d have realized a lot sooner that I should walk away. Why can’t he understand that what he did was not ok and nothing like listening or advising me a handful of times redeems him of anything. Plus, he only did that to keep me interested, so it’s not like it was being genuinely caring and decent. Why can’t people see things like that? Are their morals really that twisted or they just don’t care? When I got his response and noticed he still did not understand me very well, I regretted not being more clear and confrontational. Then again, would it change a thing if I was? He’s not in my life anymore, he’s not my problem, I don’t benefit anymore from him changing his ways. At least I got my main point across which was ‘please, do not ever talk to me again, leave me in peace’. So, I’m happy that I did not reply to any of his last messages and then blocked him, even though I really really wanted to reply as he had gotten almost everything I said wrong. The thing I should really be concerned about is my tendency of underestimating my feelings in favor of someone. Also, why I seem to be drawn to the same type of men. If I had listened to my anxiety, I’d wouldn’t have gotten so far into any of my awful relationships.

I still don’t know, in practice, what a healthy relationship should look like. I know in theory but it’s not the same. When you are treated in a certain way, somehow it gets familiar and you get used to it. This is the second deceiving guy with questionable morals with whom I have a ‘relationship’ (in fact, I can’t even call it that). This reminds me of a quote, “mistakes repeated more than once are decisions”. I know this one was mainly on me. I’m 23 years old, I’m not 16 anymore. Expecting others to have similar values as mine is just unrealistic. This is the world we live in… The fact people have such a lack of empathy really frustrates me. And realistically this world is filled with morons that will do anything as long as it pleases them and to hell with everyone else. But I won’t take this as another mistake and feel any more shame, I’ll look at it as decision, a reminder, a painful learning opportunity I would rather not have needed to have, obviously true, but that might help me strengthen myself and head me on a better healthier path. I wish I was lucky enough to have found someone decent this time and finally have had a regular relationship experience, but that wasn’t the case. It still makes me sad, but at least I did not harm anyone in the process. At least I was acting based on something I’ve always believed, ever since I was little (I shouldn’t have been exposed to so many soap operas as a kid). Not only that, but I also have issues involving the emotional negligence I suffered in my developing years, which makes me long for attention and care, which unfortunately translated in my relationships pattern. I still feel alone, not in a regular way everybody feels alone, but in a nearly unbearable and shudder-inducing way… It could have gone a lot worse if he hadn’t confessed his farce. Naturally I feel sad for being dragged into such a dire situation, but also relieved for having walked away from it once I finally saw the entire picture.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by emotionalyze.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by emotionalyze.

Dear Anita,

I’ve learned (again) the tough way that I must always analyze careful my emotions rather than taking them with a grain of salt because of my mental health problems. At this point, I have to accept I will likely commit the same mistakes and I think it’s safe to assume that I’m drawn to an specific kind of person. Because keeping things to myself is part of my nature, I can’t count with the benefit of an outsider’s perspective. It’s comforting to think that there’s still a place I can be heard and understood. It helps me to keep myself on track.

You remember my story, everything you said was correct. As for my parents, they’re fine as long as I am fine. I made some progress in the last couple of months, which really pleased them. All credit really goes to the fact that I was in a ‘relationship’, but it doesn’t really matter now. There were times in which I felt really low and depressed, but I managed to keep the front. I find myself feeling a certain disconnect from what I am feeling and how I was supposed to feel. It’s as though my craving for affection has no boundaries.

‘you never learned to trust your emotions. You were never taught what your emotions are about, that they are valid and make sense.’
It’s as clear to me now as it was last year when i was on here. My anxiety is not misplaced, it serves a purpose. The whole time I was investing my time and energy on that last guy I was having regular anxiety attacks. It was trying to tell me something, but I wasn’t/’m not smart and self-aware enough to listen. On a certain level, I always knew. But as I said before, it wasn’t bigger than my craving for connection, for not being being alone, for feeling accepted.

My nature is caring and non confrontational. I’m always the one listening and trying to fix things. If I’m not careful enough, I put others ahead of me. I go out of my way to not hurt people’s feelings, to not come across the wrong way. I don’t even know where I’m trying to get with this last paragraph, I’m just sick and tired of it all.

I’ve found my old account: http://dev.tinybuddha.com/members/clueless123/

It’d be difficult for me to summarize all I’ve learned from our correspondences. All the advice you gave me is still fitting. I decided to post here because, honestly… I just feel too alone all the time with barely no friends truly paying attention or participating in my life. That was too big of a tumble for me to be able to get over and keep to myself…
I’m very convinced there’s a difference between learning something in theory and being able to apply it. The last couple of months were confusing, full of ups and downs. Everything was direly familiar, but I refused to even draw any comparisons with my ex. No one could be worse to me than my ex, I thought. I put on my ‘relationship goggles’ and lost all perspective and common sense.

My post is difficult to understand, I know. I was too shaken when I wrote that. It seems like I can’t edit it anymore, unfortunately.