Thanks Amy for your message. I mean that I don’t like using crisis lines because they want to hear your ‘story’ all over again. Things have gotten even worse. Right now I kinda have no support. I have the art therapy and it’s not consitent, they’re always changing it on me and even now I thought we had settled into a weekly schedule and I’ve missed the past 2 weeks. And even with that, they want to change the time from 4pm, to 5pm. Nope, not good for me. I need my evenings to ‘try’ and relax depending on the circumstances. I just started feeling comfortable with Monique and they want to change my therapist then said to me.. “YOu need more support than just Art Therapy’

More support, and yet they know at every turn I’m losing support. May 28th I meet for the last time with a mental health worker who I’ve had for 20yrs (I didn’t realize it was that long) It’s just a very short meeting to introduce me to the new worker who will transition me till August when I’ll be cut off from their agency. I don’t get any closure with this lady. How can they do this?

Remember the community paramedics I work with? I work with one now and only for a little while. Not sure how long. His sole job now is to advocate for me and set me up with all the resources I need. Once I’m all set up, he’ll let me go. He offers zero support anymore and after sharing with him all I did about this guy and I wish I could share that it’s his friends too but I can’t. Not his job anymore. He’s going to advocate for me with losing the mental health worker.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but I have a non-malignant brain tumour. I get dizzy spells and sometimes pass out. Well, long story short, I passed out last week outside where I live and people who saw it called 911. One paramedic was excellent with me, the other not. It turned into a very difficult evening and I’m still very upset about it.  If I ever need an amulance, forget about it, I’d rather die at home.

I’ve attempted suicide several times since you last heard from me. I’m overwhelmed, I feel so incredibly alone and I’m being hurt all the time. Tonight his friends are coming. I have no idea how many, but I can’t take this. Even if it were to stop, I still have to deal with all of the outcome if you know what I mean. I don’t want to be around anymore. If I had the guts I’d jump the waterfall down the street from me. Everytime I go, I get scared, what if it’s a slow death? How fast would hypothermia set it?

I’m overwhelmed and I feel all alone. What’s the point anymore?

Emma… a very sad, distraught, hurting, hopeless Emma.. 🙁

Amy, Coconut.. or anyone around? I could use a friendly ear. Having a really tough time. I’ve been struggling so very much that the smallest things are so difficult. I’m trying to focus on getting dressed everyday, even if I don’t do it until 4pm like I did yesterday. I got dressed by 11:30am today. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but it is. It feels like climbing a mountain. Then yesterday I managed a 15min walk and plan to go on a short one today with my camera. I love art and photography. I like photographing birds, and this is the best time of year as our trees are just starting to bud, so they’re easy to find. Maybe today will be a better day but I just have so much going on and so much change.

I got upset yesterday from an email from my art therapist. They keep changing things on me and I got triggered, I must have sent 15 emails, evertime I thought of ‘one more thing to add’ I’d send it. I was reacting obviously and I feel like a fool. I just feel like I can’t trust them anymore. They made me switch to tuesdays, I told them I can’t always be consistent on tuesdays and they assured me that I could come in on saturdays if it ever happened. I tried to change my appt tomorrow and they’re now telling me that my therapist has no other openings and that if I don’t want to ‘miss a week’ I’d have to see someone brand new! Are they stupid? How do they expect me to just ‘start over’ with someone new once in a while. They also told me that they recently hired a scheduling co-ordinator, but they refuse to give me this persons name or phone #.  They told me to email this person at the regular ‘art therapy’ email. I call BS. They said she doesn’t have a phone, so I said, I need her name. Now it’s the lady in charge wanting to sort it out with me. .. ahem, what about this ‘new person’ they hired? I have such a hard time to trust, I don’t know what to do.

I have an appt with my family doc tomorrow and it usually ends in severe anxiety and or panic attacks, so bad that I have to end up taking a taxi home. She prescribed an anti-depressant over the phone to my pharmacy, but it was already one I tried a few times and couldn’t handle the side effects. Then a week or so ago she prescribed one that causes dizziness, insomnia, headaches, nausea ect.. I have all those already!! It’s also a drug used for patients with Bi-Polar, which I do not have. I refused to take it, when I read up on it it even says ‘cannot help with a depressed mood’. In the past, I was a guinea pig. I tried just about every anti-depressant, and combinations ect.. I don’t want to do this again. I either tell her I’m not comfortable in taking the med she recently prescribed, or tell her I tried it and couldn’t tolerate the side effects. ughh

Since I spoke of my art .. here’s a picture of a sunset I took back in April, I think it was Easter Sunday as I hardly ever walk along the River, as it’s not close to my place. I wish I had a car, I go watch the sunsets everyday and here the rapids moving. Enjoy.  (I don’t know how to add it, oh well)

Hi everyone.. and to Amy,

Amy, thank-you for checking in. I did go to the clinic but it went horribly wrong. The nurse asked me why I was there and she asked if I am feeling depressed, I said yes. Then she asked if I had suicidal thoughts, I said yes but not right now and that those feelings come and go. When the doctor came in, he was soooo close to having me ‘formed’ as in sending me to the ER without my consent to be assessed by a psychiatrist. I almost freaked out. I called the paramedic, he was on stand-by sorta, in case I had any issues at the clinic. I told him I wanted to just take off and go home, but he said that could make things worse.

I needed several things looked at/done and all he did was send me for an x-ray on my wrist. He never even examined my wrist. He spoke to me that he can’t help me anymore and that what I ‘need’ is a psychiatrist. Ummm, how is a psych supposed to help physical injuries?! I left the clinic in a panic attack. I went to the coffee shop next door to wait for the paramedic to come get me. Once I got in the car, I totally fell apart. I’ve been feeling worse ever since. (by the way my wrist isn’t broken but I can hardly move it) I know I need help from a therapist, and I do have Art Therapy once/week but I was at that clinic for physical reasons. I’ve been having a more difficult time since having gone to the clinic.  🙁

Every night I’m falling apart, I’ve attempted suicide twice.. once last night and this past Saturday. I have a lot of other things going on too. One thing is this.. I’ve had a mental health worker for approx 8-10yrs and I’m losing her support. She used to help me with a lot of things, setting goals, supporting me at appointments, accessing services in the community ect.. She talked about my services ending in the Fall last year but never brought it up again. She didn’t speak of it again, and I figured it was because she knew I’ve been going downhill. Out of the blue, I got an email from her last week saying ‘WE’ want to help you through this transition.. so get this, I have to meet someone NEW, try to build trust..which is so hard for me, and have this new worker ‘tie up loose ends’ and be left and then drop me.. with nothing. I cannot deal with this, are they asking me to end my life, cause it’s working. I’m already falling through the cracks in our broken health care system but hey.. who cares, let’s let her fall some more.  🙁

I know I have these 2 paramedics, but as they’re getting to know me, I believe from what the one said last week, that they’re not trained to help people with the help I need. I just want to end my suffering, I’m tired of all this, I’m tired of being so exhausted that I can’t get myself off the sofa to use the washroom. I’m tired of everything.

ps- I was hit the other day, got a big bruise on my face.. no big deal, just they’re hard to cover when I go out and I feel like everyone will stare at me if I got out the way I look right now. Wow, I wrote a lot.. sorry about that.

Thanks for being here Amy.

Emma

Hello,

I guess with  no response from Anita, we know she’s gone from this thread. End of story. Move along.. right?

I appreciated your support Amy, that means a lot to me. Thank-you for the advice Mark. I’m supposed to be going to a clinic tomorrow to see a doctor about this stuff. One of the paramedics is willing to help me get there and back. I really don’t want to go. I am so exhausted and I have chronic pain (and that has been bad too) In order for me to be able to go tomorrow, I need to get everything ready tonight and I’ve barely moved off the sofa. I’m scared to go tomorrow and I just want to stay home. I might try to get things ready, because then if I feel like I can actually do this, I won’t have to get up early tomorrow and stress about getting ready.  I tried calling the clinic to see if a female doctor would be on, but of course they don’t answer the phone. I’m not sure if I can do this. I’m also worried that I could wait hours. This clinic is like a mini-hospital, the only one we have in this city. I guess you could call it an alternative to the hospital for less severe issues. They can do an x-ray for my wrist if needed. It’s a long drive and I don’t want to have the paramedic take up his time and if I find it’s a male doctor I don’t know what I’d do.

signed..  a very tired, depressed and lonely Emma  🙁

Amy,

Hello, I was just thinking about you too.  I saw the paramedic who recommended this site to me, he actually asked if I checked it out. I told him that one person in particular,  you Amy, was keeping in contact with me. I think he’s glad I tried this out.  I’m really struggling but I’m here. I am thinking (seriously) about going to see a doctor. The paramedics I work with, I believe, would feel better if I get seen. They’re willing to drive me there, and pick me up afterwards. This would be in a few days, so I’m feeling really anxious about it. I need to call them tomorrow to see if they can let me know if a female doctor would be working. ughh, so many obsticales.

I had a good meeting with the paramedic today.  I sometimes see 2 at one time, other times it’s one. I feel more comfortable sharing the really tough stuff, when there’s one of them. Today is was one of them. I opened up a bit.. and feeling embarassed/ashamed but I know he doesn’t judge me.

I’m thinking of sharing everything that’s going on, someone mentioned it. I think it was anita, in this thread. There’s a lot though. I like that I can share whatever I want and none of you know me yet you seem to care.. hey, you’re even checking on me. You don’t realize how much that means to me. I wrote an email to a friend about how depressed I feel and not feeling like I can go on. I never heard from her. 🙁

I’m a little shocked at myself for sharing what I did. What if this is read by him or his friends. That would be really bad news. I question if I should have shared this? Was this OK to share?

Thanks Amy and all of you.

Wow, thank-you everyone. I somehow feel less alone in this, but take no offense,.. I’m struggling so much that I don’t know how I can go on. This is only one of the things I’m dealing with and I’m so overwhelmed. I’m in what I call ‘protection’ mode.. I know, strange name for all this crap. I’m just wanting to sleep, so I don”t have to feel. Then when I sleep too much I feel aswful for being lazy.

There was a terrible loss in my country this past weekend, I know it’s been shared world-wide. For those that don’t know Canada lost 15 people in a tragic bus accident. These young men and coaches died. These young men were on their way to a hockey game. Some of them had promising careeers in Hockey. I wish I could take the place of one of those young men. My death wouldn’t be tragic.. believe me, it wouldn’t.  🙁

Prayers for Humboldt, Sask. # leaveahockeystickout, # oneoftheboyswillneedit # prayers4Humboldt

I’ll respond tomorrow to your kind messages. I can’t thank you all enough.

Hi again,

They are community paramedics who visit people in their homes. They do know I was raped. They’ve encouraged me to go to the hospital but I’m too afraid and I have no-one to come with me. I cannot go alone because I tried a few times on my own and after waiting 6hrs I took off because I ended up having a severe panic attack and the staff at the hospital thought I was trying to create problems by ‘acting out’.  In reality, I was having a severe panic attack and no-one wanted to help me.

They told me about an Urgent Care clinic that the paramedics may be able to help me get to, and they can do x-rays there.. as I may need an x-ray for my wrist.