Hi John

Thank you for your blunt message that I needed to hear. I don’t mind anyone being blunt because what happened happened and I should deal with the consequences. When listing all the mistakes and betrayal I did in the past, it becomes a list of moments where I was so drunk and just followed my desire and need for attention instead of taking a moment and hold back to think about the consequences and hurt it would put my partner and me through.

Im not a heavy drinker in the sense that I always drink. I’m 23 years old and my friends and I often go out (not this time though I want to focus) and the last year or so I feel I have gotten better and there were many occasions where I just ordered water or a soda in a club or bar when everyone else was still boozing. But still there were moments that I did drink excessively, all moments in which I ended up in tears opening up to a friend about me not feeling well or end up cheating. Sometimes even all of this together. So I really here you when you say alcohol is a red flag! It is, especially when I’m not  in a good place and haven’t opened up about my feelings to someone. I’m going to stop drinking alcohol for a while, both because I’m not in the mood to go out but also because I want to be awareness of my feelings and actions since I haven’t really been for most of my adult life. I thought I was but realize I wasn’t.

You’re completely right about the truth tickle and I realize that even now that I said everything he will still wonder. That’s why I want to go through the thoughts and emotions I had when betraying him and the thoughts and emotions I had when I continued lying. This is hard and I don’t know if it will make things better or worse, but I want to be completely honest and give him a sense of control over the truth. So at least he knows everything and knows more than the parties involved in the infidelity who I never shared these emotions with.

About the letting go. This one is really difficult (obviously it always is) because space is not what he wants from me. Even though he might need it, my not being there and not giving him the attention and love he desired has been painful for him. What I can and want to change is act how I’m feeling and show him I love him and want him since I never really did. I do however realize he might need space and try to give it to him by saying ‘You do not have to make any decision, your feelings must change every hour or day and that’s totally fine. I am here for you and will share my feelings with you regardless if you want to answer or share something or not. If today it feels good to kiss me, but tomorrow it doesn’t that’s okay. I am here and willing to make a change for you, for myself regardless of what you end up deciding ‘

I’m not sure if that’s the right way but I feel like I have to reassure him and let him feel I desire him love him and thinks he’s great because that’s a feeling that was missing for so long.

Dear Anita

Thank you for your question.

1. These revelations were more like an understanding of how he had felt neglected by me during our relationship. I must have taken some distance for a while every time I was unfaithful. Even though this distance wasn’t really physical I suppose there had to be emotional distance. This must have had an impact of my boyfriend’s feeling of me not loving him or not loving him enough to give him a lot of loving attention bot verbal and physical. The revelation I am talking about is how I see now that our vision on showing love has always been different. Maybe not in our minds, but surely in the ways we’ve seen it in our homes as children. He comes from a close knit family that emphasizes the importance of communication and talking out issues. His parents are loving and still kiss, have fun, cuddle, dance in the living room. Not always and I know and understand every family has some issues, this is still in great contrast to my household. Where we could have fun, but I have only seen my parents be loving twice: once they kissed on the cheek and once they held hands while walking.

Even though I want to break this cycle and be a touchy, loving person and even though I thought I was I still hold back a bit. There’s such a huge difference between how both of our parents acted and still act in their marriage (my parents are going through divorce right now). This doesn’t have to mean our love cannot be different, but I just recently became aware of how this is something we both have to work on. Especially me since I kept distance both physically (I am touchy with him, but wouldn’t always initiate sex or kiss him As passionately as I wanted too) and emotionally (because I kept all this infidelity a secret and the guilt must have created distance).

2. He does tell me, but not specifically. He finds it really important to know and feel what the other wants and needs. Something that’s difficult for me (I don’t know why but this comes easier for me in friendships than in my relationship). I believe this is partly because I’m not very in touch with my emotions, I don’t take the time to feel them or observe them and see how I really feel. This must also be partly because of what was normal at home as a child, but obviously this  holding back must also come from my keeping a secret and being unfaithful.

I hope that my boyfriend and I can become more in sync once we continue to communicate more openly (I am so grateful that we are still having conversations and I am constantly trying to be more open and not hold back) and once I start to  make time and room for my emotions. The therapist I went to suggested a meditation to get inside my body instead of only being in my mind. I am looking forward to this hollistic approach and hope it will bring me some comfort.

I have to go now, but will answer your other questions very soon. Thank you so much!

Hi Anita

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

I hear, understand and want to commit to the first priority you state. I’ve made this decision/commitment after finally telling him the whole truth. I realize now that this quick and easy distraction brings no healing, but only does more harm. Obviously to the man I betrayed, but also to myself now that I am trying to take responsibility for my emotions and actions.

I do relate to your the experience you’ve shared. That’s why I believe and hope that the relationship with my boyfriend can be healed. I’ve used the infidelity as a way to cover up unresolved conflicts within myself but was also just straight up impulsive, careless about my prtner’s feelings and ignorant to the consequences.

Even though I did feel guilty after doing so, I’m just starting to process everything I did now that it is out in the open and I can no longer run from it. I could run from it, but that’s not what I want as it would erase every hope of reconciliation with my boyfriend and would do me more harm too. I want to take responsibility and make a change both for him and for me. The betrayal and continuous lying feel connected to the numbness I’ve created in myself as well as my (un)conciously ignoring of both mine and his feelings.

I’ve never shared on this forum before, but am so grateful for your vision and reply on the emotional crisis I find myself in.

Hi Inky

I completely understand your reaction! I believe he didn’t break up with me, because he somehow felt things were going on. We ‘agreed’ before that we were serious and exclusive, but a drunk mistake (kissing someone) once wouldn’t be the end of the world. However I obviously crossed these boundaries so far and what I did was so wrong and he never would expect this.

When I think of why I cheated I believe it was more of a dopamine rush and a quick fix to overwhelming emotions that had been put down. I also guess I had always felt some kind of restriction in my relationship because I had this feeling of so many expectations. Not specifically stated by my boyfriend, but some way I felt these expectations on me of doing what is right, what is best for the relationship or what touch he would like instead of just grabbing him and kissing him how I felt. I don’t know if I’m highly sexual, I just think I let go of my control in a very wrong way that really upsets me and I don’t want to do ever again.

I guess in the experiences with the other guys, there were no expectations + was drunk and totally let loose. Because the one time I cheated while I was sober it felt wrong and didn’t satisfy me at all (neither did the other time sex wise, they just gave me a kick of dopamine). I have adhd and this never really bothered my in work or school, but I’m starting to realize I have to be aware in personal relationships and not suppress feelings then letting them over boil and blurt out when drinking. I’ve also decided I’m going to stop going out and drinking for a while, since I want to face my feelings and emotions when completely sober and focussed. Not distracted by partying or feeling hungover next day. It’s not that I’m such a heavy drinker or do it so much. It’s just that when these things happened it was almost always because I got completely wasted and didn’t keep a boundary for myself.

As far as your advice on the open relationship: I’m not even sure it was about the other people or even the sex. It didn’t bring me anything I didn’t have with my boyfriend and I never felt like he couldn’t give it to me. I just feel so guilty and bad that it’s cheating what I did. I feel like it could have been anything else, but this was a easy way that happens when you go out and you’re young. I want to find another way to find this excitement that I felt when doing these things that were so wrong and hidden and secret. I believe that’s what made it “attractive” to do, which is even worse and heartbreaking for my boyfriend and myself.