John,

Another story from my life came to mind to share with you.

In elementary school a neighbor boy and I became friends and started doing things together. Then his family moved overseas and we were pen-pals. When he returned, things changed. His interests went to sports and rodeo. I was radically different and spoke against the treatment of horses as objects and possessions. I was always the last to be picked for school sports teams, even though I put my heart into it for awhile (probably to belong.) I was just not naturally attracted to sports or competition.

I was into Buddhism, metaphysics and the occult throughout high school. My former friend was into football, dating, and things cowboy. He had zero interest in the spiritual, and I had zero interest in football, but we had some good talks while camping under the stars. I persuaded him to jump from a plane with me, and we had one parachuting experience together. In the week after h.s. graduation, I drove him to Rocky Mountain National Park. From there he hitch-hiked to California. I got a ride to Maine and traveled the east coast. He went into the Airborne Rangers and was in the presidential honor guard, while I worked with a wildlife photographer and naturalist and protested the Vietnam War. But we somehow kept in contact over the years.

45 years later, we still have contact. We are so unlike each other and seemingly have little in common, yet there is a bond of friendship between us that grows stronger while separated by thousands of miles. We have deep respect and caring for each other. He has turned his interests to meditation and the spiritual, and we both would like to camp again and talk together under the stars – before our 70th birthdays.

I am just saying, sometimes, oftentimes in my experience, life has different ideas than we about how things will emerge. I have learned to let go of my ideas of how anything ‘has to be’ and allow what wants to happen to emerge. That applies to everything in life, including making and having friends. I like the suggestions of the other participant to make small steps to be more extroverted, and add a suggestion to not have expectations or strong ideas of how the results have to look. Does that make sense to you?

GROWTH

“Deep within every life, no matter how dull or ineffectual it may seem from the outside, there is something eternal happening. This is the secret way that change and possibility conspire with growth. John Henry Newman summed this up beautifully when he said, “To grow is to change and to be perfect is to have changed often.” Change, therefore, need not be threatening; it can in fact bring our lives to perfection. Perfection is not cold completion. Neither is it avoidance of risk and danger in order to keep the soul pure or the conscience unclouded. When you are faithful to the risk and ambivalence of growth, you are engaging your life. The soul loves risk; it is only through the door of risk that growth can enter.” – John O’Donohue / Excerpt from ANAM CARA

Hi Lisa,

Inky gave you excellent specific suggestions for being pro-active and self-empowered. If you are up for acting on them, you will come through as a stronger person and less subject to the behaviors of others.

You can also end all contact and walk away. That may be more comfortable at first, but you will resolve nothing unless you face the issue squarely. Face the abusers and face your own issues.

Marliv and others also gave sound advice. Beyond that, my suggestion is to start a longer term practice which you tailor to you:

1. Gain clarity about the person you choose to be. What are the characteristics and attributes, such as confidence, equanimity, constancy?

2. Tune yourself to recognize what hinders you from unfolding all of your potential, from being the person you choose to be. What are your own issues, such as taking things personally, dramatizing, being reactive and so on. Not saying you have those behaviors, they are just common examples. Be fully honest with yourself in a non-judgmental way. If you can laugh at the hindering behaviors, all the better. Let go of all that hinders. You do not have to name what hinders as your innate wisdom knows.

3. Reflect on what qualities and feelings are supportive of your unfolding potential. Embrace what nurtures and supports your soul growth (soul being heart, mind, will and emotions). Again, you do not have to name the qualities, just trust your in-born wisdom to know and activate your choices.

4. Start with letting go of what hinders and embracing what supports with some idea of what that means. Then, when you are ready, let go even of that control and when you can trust the greater reality, be able to merge with what is and allow what wants to happen to emerge. That is not to say suffer abuse. Let your actions be guided by listening to what Life is saying to you and act in the flow.

For more about this approach, check out http://www.wholehuman.emanatepresence.com/

By the way, about five years ago I moved from Germany to the Canary Islands where my briefcase with laptop and passport were stolen. To make a long story shorter, it meant an unexpected stopover in London waiting for my bank. While there, I enjoyed a full moon walk along the Thames and a visit to Glastonbury. I can understand your working at the Glastonbury festival as that area stood out in my experience. The theft was also a great experience as it taught several lessons in self-responsibility. All experiences can be valuable when they are taken for learning.

Best to you,

Gary

Hi Giulia:

{{I am trying to feel compassion for her – I can see her hatred is probably her own hatred for herself, something she hasn’t been allowed to express. It has nothing to do with me.}}

Feeling compassion authentically is never a mistake. Trying to have compassion when it is not felt does not serve a useful purpose. When you rise above the behavior of others without feeling superior you are drawing from your inner wellspring. Keep drawing from it and you will not thirst.

Biologically, humans are mammals. However, we are distinct (not superior) in that we do not function primarily from instinct. We have capacities of self-awareness, self-responsibility, reasoning, logic, morals and ethics which other mammals do not. When you choose real compassion for one who is abusive towards you, you are in a stronger position to set appropriate boundaries and act wisely rather than from bestial instincts and emotions.

In ‘The Anatomy of Fear’ on Psychology Today, John A Call Ph.D., J.D., A. wrote, “Fear is an emotion we all experience at one time or another, and its effects are important to understand when talking about disasters…. The blood flows away from the heart and out towards the extremities, preparing the arms and legs for action. These effects served us well millennia ago, in situations where we were faced with beastly animals that thought they had found dinner.

“In modern times, however, bodily responses to fear can be detrimental, especially since the most important one is a negative one: the brain basically shuts down as the body prepares for action. The cerebral cortex, the brain’s center for reasoning and judgment, is the area that becomes impaired when the amygdala senses fear. The ability to think and reason decreases as time goes on, so thinking about the next best move in a crisis can be a hard thing to do…. These dissociative symptoms can make it hard to stay grounded and logical in a dangerous situation. Essentially, the body’s response to fear or stress can be stressful in itself.”

Dr. Call’s article is reprinted in full, with suggestions for self-empowered ways to respond to fear, on
http://www.wholehuman.emanatepresence.com/realizations-blog/how-to-recognize-the-great-deceiver

You have other options than to run away or fight, and only you can find the one which feels right. I suggest you first strengthen your inner core. Know yourself. Listen to the innate wisdom you were born with for guidance. Then act in ways that are true to you. If that results in separations, remain steadfast to being true to yourself and trust in life to see you through. This approach will best serve you to grow stronger and into the person you can become.

Write again when you feel and to ask for more specific suggestions.

Best to you,

Gary

Hi Zariah,

{{My question is how do you take time for yourself?}}

What hinders you from taking time for yourself? If the impediment to taking time for yourself includes the demands of your lifestyle (job, social events, and so on) sort out what you can eliminate and set aside specific time for yourself. If you feel pressure to give in to demands of people in your life, build up your self resolve to set boundaries. It may be uncomfortable at first, but you can do it in a friendly way with firmness and confidence, knowing you value yourself and choose also what is important to you. Know what is important to you by reflecting on it, keeping a journal or simply writing a list and then prioritize. These processes can be revelatory if you haven’t given it much thought before.

The journey of inner work begins with that resolve, with determination. It is an act of will that sets the course of your life and future.

{{How do you quiet down your crazy thoughts and be a little bit more content everyday?}}

Meditation could be a very beneficial means for you to calm yourself and be more content. At least it is worthwhile to find out, if you haven’t already. On this page there are great free resources to help you become informed about 22 different types of meditation, with videos and free PDF files to download: http://www.wholehuman.emanatepresence.com/meditative-life.html

As a tool by itself or in conjunction with meditation, I suggest reading this article as well and just feel it over. Decide whether or not you resonate with its approach which offers a new paradigm, a non-dualistic perspective which from my experience brings calmness and contentment: http://www.wholehuman.emanatepresence.com/communion.html

Also, about therapy. I was a house parent to at-risk teen-aged boys in an organization with clinical therapists for over a year and participated in their therapies for the youth. I was not at all impressed with the therapists or their methods and for the second half of the year spoke up against the therapies. I know that every person has the in-born capacity to do the inner work needed. Therapies, techniques, traditions just muddle with and hinder the process. But it does take will and a seed of trust and confidence. Then nurture and allow the innate seed to grow.

I liked Inky’s “you are your own entity. You be you!” and would enjoy reading a follow-up from you. Best to you.