Dear Nobody,

It has been almost a week since your last post, which made me wondering how has you been doing?… Just a few words to let you know that I am looking forward to your post, and I hope that things are going fine for you…

Rose

Dear Nobody,

I cried when I went through your post… I found myself there and I understand what you have been going through… You see, nobody, you are not alone in this world. And I believe that there are so many people out there having the same wounds as ours, trying to figure the way out for us… So we are not alone.

There was a times, I felt exactly the same as you do, I had no one, or exactly, I have family, friends, but no one seemed understand me, no one ever tried to understand me, listen to me… My relationship with my mom was same as yours, I tried so hard to get her attention, I tried so hard to find the love in her eyes when she looked at me, but I couldn’t find it… I just couldn’t understand why my mom didn’t love me, why she trounced me? why she called me a whore? why she said to me that she was sorry to give birth me???… At my 14, I experienced horrible things, I was raped in my own home, I was sold to be a prostitute, and I was given up my first child… I was totally all alone… I hated everyone that push me through these things, and I blamed on my mom a lot, I think I hated her too… Because if she was there, if I could ever talk to her, then probably, things like these won’t happen to me… I tried to kill myself once, and even the death didn’t want me… But it was when I decided that if my life isn’t end, I need to figure out the way for it… I wouldn’t like to make this post about myself, but I just would like to share with you a bit on what I experienced, so that you could have a trust that I could somehow connect to your story, and understand you and what you are going through…

The tittle of the post you put “Am I evil?”: No, you are not. You might ever hurt people, and you were hurt too. But the fact that you are questioning this, show me a person that having a inclined to the good. We all have 2 side, good and bad within our-self, a lot of times there are fight between 2 side on us… And we do have that power to choice which side to go on with in our lives… You might be lost right now… But I do believe that, the good side in you is stronger in this fight.

You wrote “Why is it so natural for me to hurt people?”: It’s not truth… The truth is you don’t really want to hurt anyone… You just somehow tried to protect yourself, but I believe, somewhere inside you find that it is not the right way when you are hurting someone. Somewhere inside you, you find that when you are hurting people, you are end up hurting yourself more…

You want “To be in control, not my anger”: You can do it. I might be wrong, but at least, this was the way I applied to myself, and pull myself through my hard times, with hate and anger… I learnt to forgive. Once you start forgiving, you will start to listen, and to see things differently with how it used to appear to you. It’s not easy. But it’s the way for us to free our-self. We can keep that hate, anger, and then revenge… But then we will always tie our-self on that circle, and can never get out from it. When we forgive, all the hate and anger will also start go away. It’s not easy, because sometimes forgiving might seem to be disadvantage, some people might not really deserve that… But think about it, it’s the best way for a good revenge, because we won’t have to waste our energy to drawn our-self in negative feelings of hating them…

I think a lot of your emotions, was started from what happened with your mom. You said that you hate her. It’s not truth. You love her so much, that was why you tried so much to get her attention… But then you felt disappointed and upset, because her of her return was never as you expected… And I believe that your love for her is strong enough for you to forgive her, for what she did, and what she will… Probably, at the end, you would see that, your mom, has been also struggling a lot with herself… It can be a frustration on her relationship with your dad, or anything she has to deal with on her daily life as any of us… She was wrong to put it on you, it was unfair to you… I assumed that same as me, you have been also searching if whether your mom love you or not… I could tell you that, yes, she does… And you know that too, but probably ignoring it. The most proven to me, is that, she paid attention to you any times you did something bad… She loves you, might not with the way you would like to, but she does. By believing that truth, probably, you could find it easier to forgive her on what she was wrong… When you start forgiving, anger will start going away, and it’s where could start work on how to win our fear…

I am not a professional, I am just simple a person that experienced the same pain… And I just hope that it could somehow help you a bit to go through this… And I would really love to have a name to call you instead of “nobody”…

Warmest hug to you…