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Elle Bee

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 26 total)
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  • #309769
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I donā€™t believe he actually had sex with other women, especially when he was with me but he surely cheated emotionally with sexting etc. but I do get what you mean.

    I believe he did love his wife (even by the way he speaks about her – in fact sometimes I wondered whether he was over her or not) and he also loved me, but he canā€™t resist giving attention and be given attention to/from other women. Probably for him itā€™s not cheating and thereā€™s nothing wrong with it. But still, he is a liar and that alone is something that I surely canā€™t live with.

    As for the time alone that he should have spent, I had told him about it and told him that thatā€™s what I did because I believe one should embrace their emotions in order to heal quicker. Ā But he said that heā€™s been there and done that when his wife left him and it feels hell and didnā€™t want to do it again. So he preferred to go out with his friends and ā€˜socializeā€™ in order to forget. When I told him about the women that are already into him, he said that that means nothing because in his heart thereā€™s only me. PS this is when I said that I couldnā€™t believe a word he said when he tried to fix things after a month or so.

    Well, I will try to allow myself to feel what Iā€™m feeling and hope that these emotions fade away soon.

    Thank you Anita ?

    Elle

    #309745
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    PS When I said she was only with him for the money it’s because he used to have a good pay working off shore but then he got hurt and had to stop from work.Ā  Money was going down for them until they almost had to sell some of their personal stuff to live. According to him she used to spend a lot of money and he also wondered whether she was ‘stealing’ his money to put into her account. Then, when they were in debt she claimed to have stopped loving him and wanted to separate from him.Ā  This is why he said she was with him for the money and I believed him and was also sorry for him and angry at how a wife can do that to her loving husband.Ā  He had stopped her from working before they even got married and he always worked for the family.. He hardly used to buy anything for him because he always gave priority to his wife and kids. He also said that he had spent 3 miserable months after she left where he had lost a lot of weight – he even showed me pictures – and also was on antidepressants.Ā  I felt sorry for him and I thought he was genuine.

    #309743
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes, in fact, you are probably very right about his ex-wife.

    Like I previously said, where I live is small and in the beginning of our relationship I realised that I had a good friend that was also a friend on FB of his ex-wife. So I contacted my friend asking her ‘do you know so and so? I’m dating her ex-husband’ and she replied. ‘lol.. she said he’s a womaniser and caught him cheating 3 times’.Ā  I had confronted him immediately about it (it was only around 10 days after we first met) and he seemed so hurt that she’s lying about him to cover her ass.Ā  Cos according to him, she was only with him for the money. He gave me a very good and plausible explanation of these 3 times, telling me they were pure misunderstandings and not true that he cheated.Ā  I decided to believe him, because most people try to put the blame on the other party and he seemed so innocent. But after we broke up I was wondering whether she was the one telling the truth. Then I also started to wonder why she never trusted him. He was not allowed to go out on his own, they didn’t even have a bachelor and bachelorette party before they got married.Ā  He said this was because she was possessive and super jealous andĀ  she didn’t even let him go see his mother on his own.

    Yes, it could be that it’s because I’m still not in a relationship, but somehow I cannot be with anyone cos I still think about him.Ā  I tried meeting men that were interested in me, but there was no chemistry or anything with them.Ā  I could find faults in each and every one of them and always had my ex in mind. Before he went public with this woman, even though I was seeing he was interacting with a lot of other women, I was getting better emotionally (less crying and less anxious) but I still couldn’t take him off my mind (and my heart).Ā  I also got him something from a holiday that I went to – knowing that I will probably never get to give it to him! Now that I know he’s with another woman, I started crying again and waking up with anxiety… I’m hating myself for it because I do know that he is a liar and I cannot possibly live with him but I still cry over him.. This is insane!Ā  I try to convince myself that he’s not good for me, that he won’t change and that I deserve so much better than him but my heart still aches.Ā  Sometimes I wonder whether he will change and treat this lady differently because when we split up he had told me that he was working to become a better man and that he has learned from his mistakes. He said that losing me was his biggest blow and he will surely learn from it and will never do the same mistakes again. Maybe it’s this that I have at the back of my mind?

    #309723
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    its me again :/. More than 3 months have passed and I canā€™t seem to get over him. I was moving on slowly but last week I saw he has a new girl and my heart broke into pieces. This is so contradictory because I donā€™t want him back but I surely still love him. I have quite a few men who are interested in me but I canā€™t seem to like any of them. I keep on thinking about him. I tried to do several things to move on, exercise, yoga, Travel, go out with friends and socialize, journaling, practicing gratitude but my heart still belongs to him.

    A month or so after we broke up, he wanted us to give it another try. I met him a couple of times but didnā€™t feel the same with him. I couldnā€™t believe a word he said and thought that this wasnā€™t going to work. I was seeing him hooking up and liking other nice girlsā€™ pictures whilst he was trying to get me back. So I just couldnā€™t go back with him.

    Yet, Iā€™m here, full of anxiety, thinking about him and about his new girl, how in love they look they are. And Iā€™m still alone, stuck to him in my heart and my mind. I really need to move on.. I need help!!

     

    #294949
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Well, there are about half a million inhabitants on this island and there are plenty of single/separated/divorced men.. how many of them are REAL honest men, I donā€™t know!!

    As for the mothers:

    My husbandā€™s mum was a sweetheart! She loved her kids and raised them very well. She gave them plenty of love and care and she loved me like a daughter. He loves her and respects her back

    The therapist mother looked ok but according to him she neglected him as a child, beat him several times and also threatened him with suicide. When I was with him, he seemed to respect her.

    This guyā€™s mum is… well, what can I say, ok. She wasnā€™t very caring but sheā€™s been through a lot and sheā€™s a bit depressed herself. He loves her and provides for her. He pays her bills (he lives with her) and makes sure sheā€™s comfortable. On the other hand for some reason sheā€™s always picking on him and arguing with him. Once he told me that she told him ā€œEven ā€˜Elleā€™, I donā€™t know what sheā€™s doing with you, sheā€™s either acting it all up or I donā€™t know.ā€ When I asked him why, he said that as a youth he was quite ā€˜naughtyā€™ and lied to her a lot and she cannot accept that he is now a grown up man and heā€™s changed. Well, when I was a teenager I used to lie to my mum at times too, so I didnā€™t much give it a second thought BUT I guess I should have seen this coming!!

    Elle

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Elle Bee.
    #294921
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I had stopped all contact with that guy.Ā  Never seen him or talked to him since then.Ā  I live in a small Island and people know each other. I got to know he hooked up with a beautiful girl, nurse by profession, after a month we broke up but apparently it only lasted for 4 months!

    Yes, I met this guy 3 months after I broke up with the therapist… I thought I had healed from the pain but it is clear I was not.Ā  I fell for his nice words and charm!

    I had been married for 12 years (2005-2017) and even though my husband was a great man, he never gave me any care and attention, nor complimented me and we had 10 minutes sex every 2 months – if i’m lucky, and always treated me ‘like his mother’, sometimes even shouting at me or blaming me for nothing. He had no other women; his mobile had no password and his social media accounts were always open on his laptop. He never hid anything from me in this regard but after 8 years ofĀ  marriage I found out he had a porn addiction.Ā  He tried to work on it but by time things got back to square one. We then both grew out of love and decided to part ways, very amicably.

    I came to this because I think that what was happening to me was that I was falling for the charm and attention of a new guy.Ā  I let both of them sweep me off my feet before I got to know them properly.Ā  Now I need to work on myself, be strong, love myself and the moment I stop missing being with someone would be the moment that I will allow myself to fall in love again.

    Elle

    #294911
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes you are so right. I just promised myself I will not go on his profile again, I have unfollowed him too, so nothing comes up on my feed. I’m not gonna go shallow like him and answer him back…

    That chapter is closed… He is an immature kid and I surely deserve better.

    Thanks again for listening Anita, respect!

    Elle

    #294885
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you!

    I am very hurt.. he’s putting up stories on fb with quotes such as “the moment love becomes demanding, it is a prison, it has destroyed the freedom. Love knows no boundaries, love cannot be jealous because love never possess. It is ugly, the very idea that you possess somebody because you love….. Only things can be possessed. Loves gives Freedom, Love is Freedom!”

    I swear I never told him not to go out, to the contrary, I used to tell him to go out and meet his friends. I only expected to be told what he did and where he went during the day and I have always told him to do whatever he likes as long as he respects me and doesn’t do anything behind my back that he wouldn’t do in front of me.Ā  These are the things that I wanted.Ā  Was I being too demanding?? I used to tell him every single detail of my day!!! All I wanted was transparency and honesty!!

    I don’t know if I should answer him or totally let him go… It’s not nice that he’s putting me to shame and try to look nice with his friends, family and acquaintances… I’m so hurt.Ā  I can’t seem to take him off my mind!

    Elle

    #294747
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thanks for your reply. They only knew each other for about 4 years but he only got close to her after his separation. He didnā€™t mention her name often, to the contrary, he used to avoid mentioning her because he knew I would get upset and start it up again. But sometimes, as you said, her name had to be brought up!!

    Anita and Inky, yes Iā€™m going to move forward. I had always showed him so during the conversations of last week, following me leaving. I told him that I canā€™t trust him anymore.

    I just met him quickly as I had something with him that I needed to have. He asked how I am and I showed him Iā€™m not good. HeĀ said heā€™s moving on. So yes, I will now surely move on too!! Pity he saw me in an almost disastrous state…

    Thank you for your insight and help, I truly appreciate.

     

    Elle

    #294699
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    What do you mean by ‘declare it broken’ please? Are you referring to their ‘friendship’?

    I’m sorry but I’m feeling too hurt and angry right now… thinking about it I’m already getting anxious.Ā  Moreover, I’m afraid I would then think that this is just a ‘fake’ thing in front of me that they’re doing.Ā  I cannot believe neither her or him, at this point. The messages stopped abruptly after the incident, so I believe that they were both aware that what they were doing was wrong.Ā  Otherwise they would have just continued with their normal chats between friends.

    Meanwhile please note that he is always on his own in the mornings whilst i’m at work.Ā  Her school is about 5 minutes drive from where he lives.Ā  I wouldn’t know what he does whilst i’m at work.. apparently there were times when he went to visit his sister and her during school, according to him, just to say hi and have a chat with them.

    I am not ready, at least for the time being for sure, to face both of them together! I would probably die before I get there! I don’t like her at all and I don’t know how I will react when seeing her face.

    Elle

    #294689
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for getting back to me.Ā  I don’t think I can meet this woman again.Ā  Firstly because I would get the urge to kill her (even if i’m not capable to kill a fly) and secondly because she is obviously going to deny there was something between them and tries to make a fool out of me again. This women is a wealthy stuck-up bi***.Ā  She owns a school where he used to send his young ones (apparently for free) and where his sister works. She is separated with 3 grown up kids and she is currently seeing a married man, my bf’s age, and he goes to her house every Sunday.Ā  She’s a woman of NO VALUES!Ā  I don’t think I can face her, at least definitely not for the time being… and I don’t think he’ll like the idea as he knows we don’t like each other one bit!

    Elle

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Elle Bee.
    #216255
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Hi Sege,

    Thank you for answering me.

    When I left him, I had left a note (quite a long one) on his kitchen table.Ā  (He knew I was packing up my things to leave him for good – so I didn’t leave him over a note)Ā  I was very angry and I don’t exactly remember what I wrote. I know I told him that I could not live with his character anymore and as much as I was hoping for a future with him, I couldn’t possibly live like this. I told him that I was grateful for the nice things but I was feeling he was changing my personality….

    After that I spent two days at home, on my own, just thinking whether I had made the right decision.Ā  Two days later, when I was calmer, I wrote him a very long letter, telling him that I needed to write the letter to have a closure because I was too angry when I wrote the note and I didn’t want that to be my final words to him.Ā  In the letter, I explained to him what bothered me a lot and also mentioned and thanked him for the lovely things he did for me. I ended the letter by wishing him well and more success in his business.

    I went to post it in his letter box (was too anxious to send it by post) and texted him before to let him know. Told him it’s a letter which I needed to give him for me to make a closure.Ā  He said ‘whatever you’re posting, I will NEVER read’.

    Two weeks after that I texted him as I had left something at his place that I wanted to retrieve.Ā  He asked me if we should meet up and talk and I said yes. I knew I didn’t want to go back but I wanted to hear something, anything at all, from him. We met. First he came in very cheerfully and kissed me on my cheek.Ā  Then he sat down and said ‘tell me’.Ā  I said that it’s his turn to speak now as I had left him a note and eventually a letter (1500 words!) for which he replied that he never read the letter! When he saw that I had no intention of going back, he just wanted to leave..Ā  I was almost ‘begging’ him to say something but he was like, ‘I have nothing to say, I better leave.Ā  You look happier and calmer and deserve to be so’ and he left.

    Since then, we never made contact again. And this is probably what’s killing me.Ā  It’s like subconsciously I wanted him to tell me that it was not my fault and he was the one who fucked it up or perhaps and apology – maybe to have a clear conscience and ease the pain – but obviously he would never do so.

    I am very much aware that I might fall for a similar guy, maybe due to some childhood events that happened to me.Ā  So I am now going for Cognitive Analytic Therapy to start the road to understanding and loving myself.Ā  I do not intend to go into another relationship until I’m happy and in love with my own self and wouldn’t need a man to make me happy.Ā  It’s tough, tougher than I thought, as I’m the kind of person who loves to give, most of the time forgetting about myself. I’m a people pleaser, love to help and would do anything to see other people happy and see to their needs before I see to my own. Hopefully I’ll be better and I’ll get rid once and for all of my guilt feelings (even when it’s not my fault), my insecurities and self-worth issues. Meanwhile I’m also engaging myself in activities and planning holiday trips.

    I just hope the road to recovery isn’t very long!!

    Elle

    #215963
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Sege,

    Many Thanks for getting back to me with your replies.

    Sege, when you said ‘something tells me you might never be certain if your choice was right’, you are so right! Sometimes i’m afraid I did the wrong choice due to the super amazing things he had; literally fairy tales stuff. I keep on reminding myself that I was not happy but sometimes I tend to blame that on my overthinking mind and my anxieties. However, the things he used to do to me were changing my personality. I was slowly slowly becoming afraid of him, afraid I might say or do something that upsets him. I felt suffocated, having to give him my FULL attention when I’m with him, which is most of the time unless i’m at work.Ā  I mean, once he was offended because I was picking on my finger nail whist he was telling a story to me and we were both walking… not on table or something. I had to stop and listen.

    I don’t know… i’m feeling confused.Ā  Deep down I know I did the right thing but I can’t seem to get over him and forget all about him.

    Elle

     

    #215751
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Dear Sege,

    Iā€™m not a perfect woman, far from it, however I was not imagining things.

    I was walking on egg shells all the time in this relationship… he was so sensitive and insecure. I described him as awesome as he was very intense, he showered me with compliments, he took me to great places, left love notes everywhere for me, changed his schedule to be all the time with me and seemed to love me. However his moods and character was very difficult to handle. I had to give him my full attention all the time, i had to reassure him often, i had to tell him WHY I love him. I couldnā€™t speak about my past, at all! He was jealous of my exes and my past. He used to shut me up as soon as Iā€™m about to speak about an experience I had in the past. Ā I had to ask him before I take any decisions, I had to be careful how I speak to him since he used to get offended very easily and I ended up being very cautious how to speak with him, afraid of contradicting him and if he gets upset, he gets even more insecure and controlling. He himself admitted that when heā€™s insecure he becomes controlling. And when heā€™s controlling I get detached and he gets even more insecure and it was a viscious cycle. He was constantly afraid Iā€™ll leave him.

    He had told me he loved me Ā and was talking about our future very soon in the relationship… we hardly new each other. I was a bit taken aback but I believed it was true. (Apparently he says these things to all girlfriends )

    You mentioned the wooden spoon and his childhood. It was him who told me that his mum used to beat him with it. It was him who told me that his mum used to disown him and treating him sheā€™ll commit suicide. I did not invent this.

    Itā€™s been almost two months that weā€™re not together, Iā€™m still thinking about him and trying to figure out what was wrong with him. At first I used to think heā€™s a psychopath but after a lot of reading I think he has a LOT of borderline traits. I know itā€™s wrong to try to understand why he was acting the way he did but I just canā€™t help it.

    Heā€™s a relationships therapist himself and he goes for personal therapy every week so he can hide certain traits. However from his past relationships itā€™s easy to say that they were very unstable .

    Iā€™m not looking for a Hollywood love story but I want to be in a relationship that allow me to be happy and to be myself .

    Elle

     

    #210001
    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    Thanks for your reply.

    Yes, this was one of the first questions I had asked him! He said ā€˜Cliche! Everyone asks the same thing. She was very jealous of me. I always knew that marriage wasnā€™t going to last long but I loved her and always hoped she would changeā€™ Haha.. I believed him.

    Yes, honestly I too wonder why he canā€™t handle his own relationships. He must be either very troubled or a real psychopath. No, at this point I donā€™t want to be with him anymore. Heā€™ll surely wonā€™t have a chance to fool me again.

    Unfortunately, he has scarred me as I am now afraid of letting someone else in my heart. On a positive note, I realized quite quickly, after only 5 months, and i didnā€™t let it go on for too long Ā that it would have been much harder to leave.

    Elle

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