Hi all,

It has been really comforting reading this thread. As something similar happened to me and i’ve been so upset and obsessively googling to see if anyone else has gone through something similar as I feel so alone and as if no one can help me or advise me.

I have been in an on and off relationship with my ex-boyfriend for a couple of years (we are in our early 20s) and it has been so turbulent, and very rarely stable. However it has never been an angry or argumentative dynamic (we have actually never had a proper fight as he is too nice and doesn’t want to ever upset me!), instead the turbulence seems to come from anxiety and uncertainty (At first from him but now much more from me). Initially I thought it was because we were so different I am extremely extroverted and he is very introverted and we have such different communication styles, but now I think maybe I’ve been the problem the whole time.  I have had really horrible anxiety the entire relationship, I’m not an anxious person except for when it comes to hurting other people and have been so nervous to hurt him that I tie myself in nots and end up probably making things worse. Even when I’ve freaked out and been anxious he has always been so loving and understanding. He truly is the most beautiful and nicest person and loves me so much.

We are each others first loves and care so much and so deeply for each other. At times his intensity has really scared me and I’ve found it a lot of pressure as he once said I was the only girl he’ll ever want and he has waited for me in periods of no contact. This has made me feel so scared that I’ve ruined his life and am the reason he’ll never be happy – I don’t know why I can’t seem to settle into the relationship and be happy with what’s in front of me. I used to be able to be a lot more present and enjoy the moment, but then my intrusive thoughts became worse and even when I was with him I became filled with doubts about whether he was enough or if id have more fun and be more settled with someone with different qualities who was louder or funnier or more like me. These thoughts make me feel so terrible and guilty because he is an incredible person and I hate that I could make him feel like he’s not enough (id never say that to him, but I think he was beginning to feel that way).

I called it off at one point and we went no contact for a year and I missed him so much and felt so guilty to have hurt him, but also felt a bit lighter and less burdened towards the end of the year – however desperately missed his presence in my life. After this I reached out and we have kept trying to be friends despite both of us still being in love but me feeling like it wouldn’t be right to be in a relationship because I can’t seem to commit and feel settled. Instead I seem to crave freedom, feel a bit unfulfilled/restless and at times claustrophobic, even though I love hanging out with him and we have very strong chemistry and always want to sleep together. I would worry about leading him on, because even though I wouldn’t say to him that I wanted a relationship, the fact I loved him felt like it was deceiving both of us in a way I felt like I was leading us both on and this made me so anxious. It became very unfair on him I would be so excited to see him and I do love him, but would have moments of intense panic and communicate my uncertainty to him (which in turn made me feel terrible as he shouldn’t have to hear someone doubt him).

He has finally stepped away which I’m proud of him for doing I want him to be happy. In the end I couldn’t tell whether my gut was saying it wasn’t a match or it was my anxiety. And I have so much frustration towards myself for not being able to make it work. What’s wrong with me? I really do love him. In my heart i’m scared he may not be the right person, but I don’t want to believe this. Instead I desperately hope that with time and experience I may be able to return to him one day. In the meantime I don’t know how to forgive myself for leading him down such a turbulent and painful path. I want to reach out to him but I know it’s not fair, will I ever have clarity over how I feel? Why can’t I be content with him? and will I ever get over this!!!!