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jennifer

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    jennifer
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    Hello everyone,

    Recently I have been going through the same thing as well. Recently it all started when I was watching lesbian porn, I suddenly started questioning my sexuality. When I started questioning myself my heart dropped and I started to feel really really anxious. The anxious feeling hasnā€™t left my brain ever since, every second of my day I question myself and get very anxious and stressed over this. Itā€™s gotten to the point where I cry and cryĀ  because of this and begged to god to get rid of this anxious and stressful thought. It has caused me so much anxiety and Iā€™m crying as Iā€™m writing this because I just want this feeling gone. Itā€™s such a horrible feeling and I want everything to go back to normal when everything was good and I was so happy. I googled my symptoms and saw the word intrusive thoughts and thatā€™s what this honestly feels like to me. This feels like an intrusive thought and I just want it to go away. Iā€™m currently in a relationship with a guy and everything is going so great between us, sex is good, we love each other very much and I genuinely think this guy is my soulmate. He just makes me so happy and I never want to loose him. I talked to him about me questioning myself and he tried helping me and calming me down and it does work a little but I always go back to questioning myself and feeling anxious, and every time I imagine a cute couple situation I imagine a woman instead of my boyfriend and it makes me so anxious. I also looked back on my past crushes and Iā€™ve literally only had crushes on men, not a single woman. Even my cartoon/celebrity crushes were men. I even mentally dated Joshua Dun from twenty one pilots for a couple of months because I was just really obsessed with him (i know itā€™s weird but i just wanted to share that lolol) From what I could remember, I had a small crush on this on trans person before (ftm) but I always saw them as a guy since they were trans, I did sometimes fantasize us having sex (without the pp) so does that mean anything?? That was also an online thing so I never counted that as anything but, I never felt anything towards another girl before, I had girls who were trying to hit on me asking me if I was gay, and I always said that I am straight. A lot of people assumed that I was gay as well and it always seemed to tick me off and make me kinda upset. In middle school I always hanged with the weird emo kids (I was emo) and they all talked about them being gay, trans and bisexuality and I would always sit there and just listen to them since I was the only straight emo, and still not once did I question my sexuality I even went to pride and didnā€™t even question myself. Since Iā€™m having these thoughts every time I go out and ask myself if I am attracted to that girl? Would I do things to her? And it brings me back to me being anxious. I have been trying not to read forums about this to not make the anxiety feeling worse but I eventually gave in and read some. I looked at many reddit posts about girls being lesbians in denial, asking why do I feel anxious when I question my sexuality, what were little signs that made people realize that they were bisexual, how old were they when people realized they were bisexual. I read many forums about bisexuality and reading them made my anxiety go through the roof. I got so scared and started shaking. Many people said that they knew they were bisexual, how some people didnā€™t know they were bisexual until they were 20, how they were in denial about their sexuality, how they thought they were passing/intrusive thoughts but realized that they were bisexual and it just made everything way worse for me. I started thinking to myself ā€œoh god what if I am like thatā€ or ā€œwhat if I turn like thatā€ and started feeling so scared and anxious that I started to cry. This feeling feels so awful to me and I just donā€™t know what to do anymore. I want this feeling to go away and never come back again. I want to be happy again and stop feeling so fucking anxious all the time. I hate feeling this way and I just really desperately want this to go away. I got so desperate for advice or help that I even talked to my own mom and sister about this. I want help but since Iā€™m a person of color, my family doesnā€™t believe in therapy so I donā€™t think I can go to therapy even if I ask. Please help me, i donā€™t know what to do anymore and just want to stop feeling this way. My brain keeps making me think that Iā€™m gay. Someone please just help me Iā€™m so desperate for help or some advice.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by tinybuddha.
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