Dear anita and dear Helcat,

Thank you for your input on the situation.

Anita, i think you are right about the emotional connection between me now being triggered just like it happened in the past. I understand why you think that it would have been better for my girlfriend to tell hr, but i know that she is afraid of losing her job, as she only started working in the office a few months ago. Also im not angry towards her but the coworker who treats her like that. The things i suggested when i heard about her issues included her talking to hr, her boss or works council.

Helcat, i thought about that too. If i were to do so, where/ to which person would i sent this anonymous complaint (without any names)?

Helcat, i am also hoping that the harassment situation at your workplace will end and i thank you for your great suggestion.

Ed

Dear anita,

A late Merry Christmas to you as well!

I hope you had some nice holidays and that your scatia issues are gone for good.

My last few months were quite stressful (but managable) so i struggled to find some time to write to you.

In case we dont write beforehand i want to wish you a happy new year and i hope that you will have a good time celebrating with friends and family!

Ed

Dear anita,

Thank you. The last 2 weeks were pretty stressful, as a friend of mine opened up to me about her boyfriend (a now former friend of mine) being physically and emotionally abusive with her. I was busy supporting her and managing my own topics, as she staying at my place for a while until she finds her own appartment.

This whole situation made me think a lot about abuse and the things you wrote in your last massage, when you talked about the lack of support when exiting dangerous relationships.

As i witnessed the behaviour of my female friend’s family and friends towards her situation, i was just as surprised by the lack of understanding by these people just as i was speechless by your therapists reaction concering the decision you made. I can only guess that if one has not experienced the damage you can suffer from such situations, there simply isnt a deep enough understanding. I now directed my friend towards crisis and counseling services for women.

I myself am sad to lose another friend, even though i managed to reconnect to some other people. I am also struggling with intense anger and feelings of helplessnes, although i suspect that these feelings stem from me triggering because of the situations nature.

I hope you are healthy and doing well. I guess apple season is over, so i hope you wont catch a cold during your walks when it gets colder.

Ed

Dear anita,

I have been struggling these last few days to find the right words for my answer to you. I didnt want to give out overly used or cliché words, but whether or not i will manage to avoid these, i will now give you my thoughts.

I thank you for sharing about your experiences. As i know myself, this takes a lot of courage, so that makes you very brave.

I am also grateful for your kind, undestanding and thoughtful words concerning my accounts. It really means a lot to me.

Reading about how your mother abused you made me feel angry, as you have been so very compassionate and patient with me and me telling you about my problems at length. I cant imagine for the life of me how this woman could call you “an absolute zero”, as how i see things you couldnt be farther from this description. Your mother was not the unlucky one to have you, you were the unlucky one to have her as your mother.

I sincerly hope that my probably emotionally charged words do not hurt you or make light of your (probably still) complicated feelings.

I also hope that you are proud of yourself for standing up for yourself by cutting her out of your life, being here to help others and also having the courage to talk about your past and feelings, because you earned every last bit of it.

If anything i said went too far in any way or made you feel uncomfortable, please tell me.

Ed

Dear anita,

I am struggling to find a fitting “point of entry” into the topic and i dont know how much detail you need, so i will try to give some context while describing the “talks” with my father.

I am also sorry if this post is somewhat messy or incoherent, this topic is difficult to write about. I think my choice of words might reflect that too.

The first thing that comes to my mind is how he used to call me stupid, lazy and a loser. This happened most often when i failed to meet his expectations with my grades in school, doing chores or whenever he felt like it. (“You are wasting your potential”, “you will never accomplish anything in life”, “you have to put in more work”, “how can you be sometimes so smart yet sometimes so dumb and careless”, etc.)

He criticised and mocked me for my appearance, my manners and social life. (“You will never find a girlfriend looking like this”, “you have to be more confident”, “you need more friends/ to go out more”, etc)

Conversely, when i changed things about me concerning these topics i would be mocked and criticised for these changes as well.

(“You have no right to be so proud of yourself”, “you are spending too much time away from home”, “you are not as good-looking as you think”, etc)

Sometimes he would accuse me of lying, “conspiring” against him with my younger siblings or hiding some sort of act of wrong-doing from him. (“You think you are so clever, do you”, “when would you have told me about this”, “not so smart now”)

The mentioned topics would then push him to talk himself into a rage, most often if i opposed his statements or opinions. Calling me things like “ungrateful/ insolent/ disrespectful” towards him, while explaining the many things he was doing for me, while also listing all of my shortcomings and wrongdoings towards him and all the things he wanted me to do better. This could take between 1 and 2 hours, except when he decided to fetch my younger siblings to give them hell too, while he was already at it.

I would be glad to share more about the contents of his monologues, but at around 15 minutes of his hatred i would start dissociating, “waking up” when he was finished and starting to tell me that he was “only concerned for me” and “wanted the best for me”, often expecting some thankful and/or remorseful words. Doing as he wanted would most often end the “session”. Otherwise he would conclude with thinly veiled threats of violence.

My mother stayed mostly “hidden” during my fathers outbursts, in the kitchen for example. She seldom entered the situation, mostly when the “session” entered its 3rd hour. She then tried to somewhat appease my father (“i think they understand your point now”) or asked/begged him to end his speech for the day (“dont you think its enough for today?”). I can only remember around 3 or 4 times in about 3 years when she stepped in to get me and my siblings out of the line of fire, making her the target of his rage. Other than that, she mostly looked away and had a guilty/ashamed expression on her face when i saw her during or after the “talks”.

Ed

Dear anita,

Thank you so much for working through my long text and using so much of your own time for your elaborate answer. I will react to it at a later time as i am currently very confused again.

I have been thinking about the topic and i am so horribly afraid of me getting it wrong from the start.

What if these people were right. What if i was and still am indeed living “in my own little world.” What if me trying to understand things and talking to people about it is just about me trying to justify things i did wrong but dont understand. What if me not understanding is the issue my ex-gf and former friends were trying to tell me. What if me even posting this is just some way of me keeping up my own delusions. What if i was the one “gaslighting” my ex and everything was actually alright, things just seemed bad to me and only me because of my fucked up self-perception. What if i told my other friends and family and my last therapist things that would support my version of the truth. What if i am doing the same here with you and not even knowing that i do.

I dont even know if i should post this or if there is any use to me posting this but i am pretty desperate right now for anything as my anxiety is killing me. I just dont know how i will ever know what is true. I am sorry if this text is inappropriate.

Ed

Dear anita,

Picking apples sounds fun! I hope the temperatures where you live are not too chilly at this time of the year.

Ed

Dear anita,

Thank you for welcoming me back.

My compliments and appreciation for you were in no way insincere. I was just worried that i might have been too ,,clingy” or that by frequently giving compliments, i might have appeared insincere about the things i wrote to you.

This topic is in no way related to how you responded to me or treated me, its just something i worry about a lot. My experiences with how other people perceived me in the past just makes it difficult for me to perceive myself.

And to make it clear: i have been and will continue to be honest and sincere with you.

I would also like to give a short update on my situation: i managed to get therapy with a therapist i like by now. I started eating more healthy food, started doing workouts and am working on quitting smoking.

I have also been thinking a lot about what input you gave me about the situation i approached you with, my ex-girlfriend. While i was honestly confused by how different you saw the situation compared to me, i am now able to see things more neutral and less angry and so im able to understand your perspective. I also came to understand your input on abuse and abusive relationships, especially with ones parents to a deeper degree.

These would also be the 2 topics i would like to talk about.

How are you doing? Are you still doing your daily walks?

Ed