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Nancy

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  • January 3, 2014 at 8:51 am in reply to: Admitting I've been in a co-dependant relationship…please help! #48239
    Nancy
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    I think probably you have helped him. He will take with him everything you did for him, including things he doesn’t recognize. Some of it he might recognize later, or he won’t, but that is his path. You have come to a point where his path and yours are diverging. He has to find his own way from here, and you need to find your own way from here.

    We all sometimes hope for a better past, but our past is not going to change. It is what it is. You are already doing better because you recognize this is a difficult time, and you are responding to that by processing what has happened, allowing you to grow and learn from it, and you are responding by reaching out to others for help and information.

    Keep taking care of yourself. Make sure you are eating nutritious food, getting enough sleep, and getting up in the morning. (With 2 young children that last one is probably a given.) Remember that you are a whole person. Maybe start a list of the ways you are healing and use it as a reminder when your head is screaming about damage. Only you will know if that idea will be helpful for you.

    I trust you are on the right path for you, and that you will find your way through this challenging time. Be well.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Nancy.
    January 3, 2014 at 7:41 am in reply to: Long Distance Relationship #48233
    Nancy
    Participant

    Hi Matty.

    You love her and want what is best for her. Right now she needs some individual help. Right now, you might not be able to cultivate the partnership with her that healthy relationships are made of. But, all relationships go through seasons of one partner helping another with individual needs. Only you will know the right course for you.

    I came onto this page because I live 150 miles away from a man I love dearly (it seems pretty mutual), and he has plans to seek adventure thousands of miles away. So, it feels like a long distance relationship with the promise of much more distance. I am thrilled-to-the-bone excited for his adventure because of all it means to him, and for all that his adventure brings into my life, in spite of the time and space that will continue to challenge me personally.

    Your relationship’s other challenge, though, reminds me of the relationship I had with my husband of nearly 25 years. He also had/has a history of depression that he has battled his whole life. He had suicidal thoughts regularly as well, and many different medications and treatments over the years to try to manage his moods. He had a horrible experience in a hospital when he was young that got in the way of seeking counseling which might have otherwise been very helpful to him. It sounds like your relationship might be strong enough and intimate enough that you might be able to help her into some therapy. Couples therapy might be a gateway if she resists individual therapy – my husband was at least willing to try couples therapy and that opened some opportunities for some limited individual therapy (for both of us).

    Since this is a crisis time for both of you, maybe it is a good time to do what you can to support individual growth while setting aside the “couple” issues. On the other hand, if/when it becomes too self-destructive for you to support her individual growth, then you might need to step away and trust that she will find her own path in the best way for her. In my own situation, my husband came to realize that our relationship was unhealthy and he chose to end it.

    You will find the right path for your life, and your girlfriend will find hers. Keep breathing.

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