Here is what has happened since writing that (Like…25 min ago):
My chest has opened up a bit, it feels lighter. My head doesn’t seem as dark. I can say, strongly, that those thoughts I wrote down in my book were in fact “real” beliefs/thoughts, and not me “making it up”, as my inner critic had warned. And in fact, after I got all of that out, a clear thought came to me: wow, my brain is really quick, and very flexible. I know this from all of the arguments it posed in my writing exercise. It’s able to change stances and argue from different angles, it can grasp at straws and create connections that may not actually be there. I then reminded myself that too much of anything isn’t good, and that my strong, flexible brain can get out of hand, too. Seeing those thoughts in red, and being able to clearly see them (as opposed to seeing them blur by in my brain, intimidating me with their lack of clarity) allows me to observe them while remembering that my thoughts are just thoughts; they aren’t always true, and they aren’t me. I’m happy to be able to see these bully-ish thoughts and instead of being afraid of them, feel grateful to have such a powerful mind. The same mind that helps me draw connections and move forward as a designer/artist.