Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
dreaming715Participant
That’s wonderful to read, Craig! We never know what life has in store for us. I had gone through about two years of online dating. I went on at least one date with MANY different men and either I wasn’t feeling it with them or they weren’t feeling it with me. Well, the person I’m currently seeing must have been my lucky date because FINALLY we were on the same page with having feelings for each other and giving it a shot. I met him 4 months after I created this thread in 2016. Crazy how things can change…
dreaming715ParticipantWow, thank you all for the responses! I just stumbled upon this post again realizing I wrote it in 2/2016… over a year ago! I actually have been dating someone for the past 9 months. We’ve been taking it slow. I’m trying to stay present and focus on enjoying what we have, as opposed to thinking, “We should move in together.” “We should be talking about marriage.”
I think in one year I’ve gained more acceptance of the “being single forever” idea. I know it’s easy to say that because I’ve been dating someone, but I don’t feel as much fear surrounding it. Hopefully this individual and I continue to grow and prosper a relationship together, but if it doesn’t work out I believe I will be okay.
dreaming715ParticipantI think it’s empowering that you’re sharing your experience and reflecting on it. I like that you wrote, “Iâm doing okay and am at peace that I gave her my all, and there was nothing left I could do.” You may be able to find solace in knowing that you did give it your all.
dreaming715ParticipantThank you both for your responses. A couple of take-aways: 1) Compare and despair. Comparing my life to another person’s life is virtually pointless. Yes, it can give you ideas for the things you personally long for… but beyond that comparing isn’t going to change anything.
2) Anita, you’re right that things aren’t always as they seem. You can hypothetically live in the biggest, most beautiful house and be married and be miserable.dreaming715ParticipantAnita, you wrote, “Your inherent worth, that which requires no action on your part, that with which you were born with, I believe, is you being loving.” This brought tears to my eyes!
This seems obvious when I read it, but sometimes I forget that me just being me is enough. I feel like I have to have impressive accomplishments under my belt, I have to live my life in a certain way, I have to attain certain possessions (a nice car, a nice apartment, etc…). Thank you for the reminder. I’m going to focus on that tonight when I do a little meditating.
dreaming715ParticipantKyle, you said: “…and in her mind she didnât think I liked her at all when in fact I believe she is the best woman I have ever been with and I canât stop thinking about her.”
Why would you think she thought you didn’t like her? I’m just curious because sometimes I feel like the guy I’m seeing isn’t all that crazy about me (although he does still continue to pursue a relationship with me). I’ve thought about breaking it off, but am not sure.
Bleedlove, from a girl’s perspective, I COMPLETELY relate to wanted to be fought for. I think it comes down to validation. Several years ago I was in a 5-year-long relationship and engaged to get married. My ex-fiancĂ© decided to call it off and what hurt the most was this feeling that he was so nonchalant about the break-up. I was devastated over the loss of a future together and he was going about it like “business as usual.”
Come to find over several months later, we talked and he discovered life apart was actually really hard for him and he admittedly wanted me back. But I declined because by that time I had already started mending my heart and moving on in my life.
I think for some people it hits them hardest later on when they’re alone.
November 17, 2016 at 9:41 am in reply to: Told my mom I didn't want to be in contact anymore #120584dreaming715ParticipantThank you all for the encouraging and helpful responses to my post! <3
dreaming715ParticipantAnita, I will admit I’ve been trying, although it’s been difficult. He’s very reserved and admitted he’s uncomfortable about talking about things that are “very deep.” He said it makes him feel emotionally exhausted to have long discussions about these types of things. For example, last night I casually asked if he had been in love before. He quickly said, “yes.” He did not offer any more information. I thought I would probe a little deeper with one more question and asked, “You said you were in a two-year-long relationship. Was that the relationship where you were in love?” Again, he just answered “yes.” He did not engage in further discussion. He did not ask me if I’ve ever been in love. He honestly seemed uncomfortable so I dropped it and we started talking about a much different, lighter topic.
September 25, 2016 at 2:35 pm in reply to: It may actually be me causing most of my relationship issues? #116226dreaming715ParticipantCherryblossom: Nailed it!! I especially like the questions you posed, “Would he be there for you if you need someone to accompany you to the doctor? Would he pick you up if the weather is bad? Would he defend you and your choices in front of other people or would he side with them instead? Would he do these things willingly when you ask him properly, without having to beg him or him being annoyed?” I’m going to think about these because they’d offer valuable insight.
You also said, “True love is not about âwantingâ the other person to behave in a particular way, but it is about âallowingâ the other person to just BE.” I thought this was a great reminder. We actually had a discussion yesterday. We were going to “Petfest” with his family (literally just a festival where people can bring their pets and walk around). When I approached him I was wearing a burgundy knee length sweater dress and leather boots. Now that it’s fall I was excited to wear one of my favorite fall outfits. One of the first things he said to me was, “You didn’t have to get so dressed up. We’re just going to Petfest.” A “you look nice” and just accepting that was the outfit I wanted to wear would’ve been much more appreciated. Interestingly, his sister wore a cotton dress as well. So what I was wearing wasn’t exactly outlandish.
Cheryl: Thanks for your reply! I agree that that it feels good to be with someone who will be kind, get up in the night to get you a drink, cuddle when your ill, etc… As an emotional person, this is one of my favorite things about being in a loving relationship.
September 25, 2016 at 2:24 pm in reply to: Coping with re-homing my dog due to unforeseen circumstances #116223dreaming715ParticipantThank you both for your helpful responses!
Midnight: You said I was perhaps re-living the break-up in a way. I think you’re correct. I do associate Butters with my ex-fiance and it feels similar to the time we were breaking up and I had to bring him up north to live with my mom. Thank you for stating that you think I sound like a strong person. Sometimes I lose sight of this. Your reply to my post had a lot of reassuring words in it.
Anita: That’s very true, I think she would be open to sending me pictures or updates of him. Then I can find solace in the fact that he’s living a good stable, life. I think in my heart I would feel good about this deep down.
dreaming715ParticipantExcellent advice, Anita. I especially like the part I bolded. “Anther thing: he may feel your anxiety: your ongoing fear of him rejecting you, going cold and colder and that may distress him. It is very important that you share with him your fear, taking responsibility for it. If he is a good man, he will feel empathy for you: he will feel closer to you if you share with him your vulnerabilities.“
September 23, 2016 at 8:14 pm in reply to: It may actually be me causing most of my relationship issues? #116099dreaming715ParticipantThank you guys for the extra insight!
September 13, 2016 at 11:55 am in reply to: It may actually be me causing most of my relationship issues? #115069dreaming715ParticipantAnita: You have been incredibly helpful and offered perspectives I haven’t even thought of. I think I have little puzzle pieces of advice, I just have to put them together and this may take time and experience to do so.
Jeena: I believe I’ve had co-dependent tendencies in the past, but I’ve worked with more than one counselor and tried to be mindful about those habits. I’m currently estranged from my mother and don’t have a very close relationship with my dad and step-mom, so with my other interpersonal relationships, I will admit I have a fear of losing people I care about. But, as I said I’ve been working on this. For example, I turned down meeting my boyfriend tonight to go to a yoga class I wanted to go to and suggested meeting another night that works for us. I also go out of my way to do things alone on purpose (another example: I’ll be in San Diego completely alone next week, just because I want to visit the city).
August 30, 2016 at 1:17 pm in reply to: It may actually be me causing most of my relationship issues? #113741dreaming715ParticipantAnita, Jeena, and Call Me Ishmael: Thank you all for your input.
Anita: I feel I may be nit-picking, but I don’t know that I’ve been confrontational (I have more of a reserved and shy demeanor and try to be mindful of how I say things)… but still, that doesn’t mean there aren’t areas of communication I can improve upon (which I hope I’m headed in the right direction and doing).Jeena: I have not talked to him about this. I’m honestly nervous to talk to him about how I’m feeling because to be honest I don’t feel he’s that emotionally invested in me or our new relationship. I fear a true “sit down talk” (even a pleasant one), would be a turn-off at this point and possibly push him away. But, if someone is uncomfortable in a relationship they should be able to talk to their significant other about what they’re experiencing.
Call Me Ishmael: I liked your suggestion to take initiative and do things like excitedly say goodnight and give him a kiss (it’s sort of like positive reinforcement). That way I’m not being passive. I think that may also be something I need to be mindful of, how passive I’m coming across (like in the example, not acknowledging the potato wedges thing).
Update: So it’s mid-afternoon Tuesday here and I haven’t heard from him since Sunday. Yesterday I went to a doctor’s appointment and then made a pit-stop at my favorite ice cream place. He hasn’t been to this place before so I sent him a snap chat picture of the ice cream (they have some unique flavors and toppings) and mentioned I stopped there after my doctor’s appointment and stated it was one of my favorite places to go to.
He opened the snap chat message, but didn’t respond. I’ll admit I feel emotionally deflated right now. I spent a few days riding a high, happy feeling of him asking if he could call me his girlfriend and introducing me to his parents… and now something feels very wrong and he has withdrawn.
Nothing significant has happened in between this past Friday (when he asked me to be his girlfriend and meet his parents) and today. We haven’t had any arguments, heated discussions, or disagreements. I wish I could get excited about having a boyfriend and freely text him, joke with him, hear about his day, etc… But when I saw he opened my snap picture and message and chose not to respond… I backed off figuring he wanted space from me. It kind of reminds me of the quote, “Silence isn’t empty, it’s full of answers.” If a guy is really interested in you… I believe he’ll make it clear.
August 28, 2016 at 2:43 pm in reply to: It may actually be me causing most of my relationship issues? #113521dreaming715ParticipantJust another update because I don’t particularly feel confident in myself about dating and interpersonal relationships right now.
Another thing that seems to be weighing on my mind is feeling occasionally invalidated by my new boyfriend. When I feel invalidated, I feel self-conscious, stupid, and as though he’ll lose interest in me. (Or am I just blowing this out of proportion in my mind?)Example #1 of feeling invalidated: We were going to meet at a friend’s birthday party. The party was located close to where I live. I texted my boyfriend and said I was surprised by how much it had rained. He responded, “Is it raining over there? It’s completely clear here.” I said, “It was pouring rain earlier and now it’s just sprinkling.” He then said, “I just checked my weather app on my phone. It says it’s pretty clear over there…” I felt like he didn’t believe me even though I was looking at the dismal weather right outside my window. I sent him a short snapchat video of the puddles outside that still had rain drops sprinkling onto them and wrote, “I don’t know, it’s just sprinkling over here right now.” He said, “Looks like it has past and the sky is now clear. Great weather chat.” I’m still confused on why it felt like he needed to have the last word and be right about something like the weather?
Example #2 of feeling invalidated: We were watching a movie where the characters won the lottery. We started talking about winning the lottery and what we would do with the money. He said he would invest some of it. He works in finances and does a lot with investing and financial advising (which I honestly admire because math/money/investing is not something I know a lot about). I asked him if people with lower/modest incomes often invest and if so what were they investing in. The blank stare he gave me honestly made me feel a little embarrassed. He just looked confused and then asked, “What do you mean?” And I said, “I don’t know a lot about investing and I know that’s sort of your specialty so I was just curious.” Still seemingly confused he said, “Well doesn’t the company you work for have a retirement 401K you can put money into?” I said, “Yes.” And he said, “Well…then yeah… people with lower to moderate incomes will invest in that…” I felt stupid, like it was an answer that was obvious and I made myself look like a fool for even asking. Then we just changed the subject.
I don’t know if I should grow a thicker skin and let things roll off my shoulder easier or what. I just want to feel good around him and like he admires me like I admire him. Maybe it’s my low self-esteem, but I often feel stupid around him and feel like I have to think twice about what I say so I can word it more eloquently to avoid sounding dumb.
One good thing though: He’s not one to openly dole out compliments, so when he does compliment me it makes me feel great and I take it to heart. When we were at the birthday party last night I wasn’t drinking alcohol (I occasionally do, but I’m not a big drinker and last night I didn’t feel like drinking). He said he thought it was great that I could still be around a group of people who were drinking and have fun, dance, and socialize. He thought other people in my situation may feel uncomfortable and just want to go home. So I guess he complimented me on my ability to not need alcohol to have fun and I was enjoyable to be around.
-
AuthorPosts