I asked him and he said he feels he would do this with anyone and it’s not personal. He just likes the quickness, there’s less physical activity involved, and there’s no pressure to perform. In a way I can understand this, but to an extent… it doesn’t make sense to me when I’m offering to do all of the work and telling him I’m okay with that and even enjoy it. Therefore, that leads me to believe he just genuinely sometimes prefers the imagery and novelty of porn. He said it’s like a habit he’s had since he was a teenager.

Anita- Yes. Absolutely. I feel like his friends are part of an exclusive fan group together and I’m on the outside.

I don’t feel particularly “included” in this group at all. I think that’s why the comment stings so much.

“Intention” is the key thing we’re discussing here. He knew that making fun of the song I liked would get a laugh from his friends.

No one likes to be the person everyone’s pointing and laughing at. It hurts.

What would’ve been wrong with him just tweeting: “I took my gf to her first Phish show last night and she actually liked it.”

I think you’re really correct with this statement: “As for being giving in the bedroom, maybe your guy views sex as more of a physical release than as an elaborate exchange.” I think that is what’s happening. I think maybe I’m taking it a little personal… but that’s because it feels so personal.

It feels like a dismissal or rejection. So if someone has a higher sex drive, how should they react when the person they’re with says they’re just not in the mood (even if it’s the 10th time or 100th time they’ve heard it)?

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for the advice. It was helpful to look at trust in this way. I want to practice/focus on this part: “Currently with your boyfriend, if and when a stressful situation arises (and otherwise), see to it that the two of you help each other, tackle the situation, the challenge as a team of two.”

Thank you all for the responses. We are locked into a lease where we both pay a set amount and to be completely honest I don’t think I have any friends that would welcome me to live with them for an extended period of time (lol this is true, unless my apartment burned down or something). But I can see why an idea like that would work.

So I slept on it and have a couple of thoughts:

1) Maybe “marriage” starts before the proposal? I’m trying to shift my mindset a little. Like what is the foundation I want to build with my boyfriend for a future together? One where we argue every week and I pressure him into something he’s not ready for? A lot of men want to have kids eventually, but just because they’re married and say they’re not ready for one “yet,” doesn’t mean they’ll never be ready. So I do believe he does want to marry me, it’s just a financial/timing thing right now.

How would I want to look back on this time in my life with him? We did move in together a few mo the ago, so that in itself is worth celebrating.

2) I have to go to a friend’s bridal shower next weekend (I’m a bridesmaid) and also next weekend is my newly engaged friend’s birthday party so there will be a lot of congratulatory engagement talk happening.

I’m going to have to exercise a little mental and emotional toughness that day. I’m obviously happy for my friends, but I feel the “lack” of an engagement and marriage in my life right now.

How do I want to look back on their celebrations though? I want to have fun and celebrate the happy moments in their life.

I know this will sound weird, but I almost want to be in the experiences like an outsider looking in and detach myself a little. Like I can experience it all, but not on a personal level. Sort of like I’m watching it happen on TV and thinking “Wow that’s wonderful!” I think it’s a self-coping mechanism and maybe it would be healthy for me to detach myself a little. In dialectical behavioral therapy they say to “observe your thoughts” and just acknowledge, oh yeah there’s that thought again, okay thought you can go now… and let it go. This might be a good wedding season strategy for me?

Mark: Thank you for your response! Your example “script” was very helpful and extremely similar to the one my therapist gave me. I actually did say this exact thing to my step mom and my dad. They just seemed confused (like they honestly had a hard time understanding why it was a big deal to only talk to their daughter on the phone a few times per year). They said, “Yeah, we’ll make an effort to contact you more.” On Easter my dad texted me saying he hoped my boyfriend and I were having a nice day… but that was a text. I just don’t understand why it’s so difficult to CALL me. Also on my birthday they will usually send a card in the mail (which is very nice), but there again they don’t CALL me. They send a text saying, “We know you probably have birthday plans today and didn’t want to bother you! Happy Birthday from us all at home!”

My therapist said if I want to talk to them on the phone once per month, I’ll have to make it very clear and say- “Will you please CALL me on the third Sunday of every month so we can keep in closer contact and keep our contact initiation fair?”

I’ve thought about this a lot and I’m afraid to even ask them because 1)  I honestly feel like a burden & 2) I fear we’ll do really well the first couple of months and then I’ll get my hopes up and it’ll go back to “Sorry we didn’t call, we’re just really busy right now, let’s talk next month… and then next month never happens.” 🙁