Sorry about the typo’s.. 🙂 want to also add that i am still freelancing but have lost all passion for it in comparison to how it use to be.. im still trying to get work but it just seems liek work now, when i get bouts of rare inspiration and excitement it quikly fades.. i am also with a lovely guy (my first relationship) and i dont believe he really ‘knows’ me because i dont feel like i am much of a person anymore, so im usually hidden and find it hard to express myself around him, and be myself, be happy and loving (which comes easily to him) I wonder why he is with me and seeing how amazing he is makes me not like where i am at even more.. makes me miss the feelings even more. I believe he may somehow see these things within me, but i still feel as though im giving him half the deal. I want to fix this, but feeling totally stuck once again – can i not ‘do’ life???

Thank you so much to everyone for the insight and advice, it really means alot & have shifted my perspective a little reading this thread. I have told him i have anxiety & tell him im doing my best (i just dont feel that is enough most times) he is also i think expiriencing a bit of depression although he is not very open about it and i think he wears a happy capable face & a good attitude, which i love about him but i can see he is struggling with things in his life and i just want nothing more to be open and be there for him, my mind just gets too caught up in other things and i sometimes dont even really feel good enough or strong enough to even help him, even if i do and im kind and loving ) that notjing i say or do will be of value anyway, in the moment i put alot of pressure on myself to just say the right thing & fix his sadness and do it so perfectly that i end up not being able to think clearly, feel fully & end up not saying much at all, which in the end looks really selfish! here he is with a problem and im stuck in my head about how I can come across, im still thinking about me.. i really dont intend to.
I guess it comes down to not feeling good enough, overall..?

Thank you matt your words made me tear, i suppose most of us are messy inside, you just dont see the messyness in everyone. maybe we are both as crazy & i am just more open about it?? lol the more i get to know him the more i see similarities in this kind of thinking and behaviour, i have found that he is the same as me in alot of ways 🙂
Grateful for this advice thanks so much xxx