@Tee

My question (if you would like to answer) is how did your parents respond to your sexual abuse? Did they know about it? What was their reaction? Because their response (or lack thereof) was probably crucial, and it either helped you, or sadly, it further contributed to you feeling traumatized.

I’ll be glad to keep this conversation going, if you feel it benefits you

I would love the carry on the conversation with you regarding this, but is there a way to communicate via a PM?

Yeah. I am in therapy but I’ve also been sabotaging myself a bit with drinking and stuff. Im having a hard time. I know what I need to do I just can’t get started and would rather drown my pain.

To add to this I know I have childhood trauma that I have not really dealt with. It’s something I just avoided talking about but now I can see what attachment wounds are and that they are very real.

Hi Anita. I would like that. How do we go about doing that?

I think part of the problem was that I cared too much. If I felt tension I would always want to know what was wrong and I often burdened myself with wanting to make things right. I would often ask what did I do wrong. I was hard on myself.

I would agree that there was a lack of communication. As for me not being there to help in challenging times that is incorrect. I was always there to help her and I did, I did a lot to help with anything and she knew that. She even said that she felt like she was using me as I was always willing to help. When we got back together for a few weeks but then she said she needed space I asked her why. She told me that she needed to gather herself a bit as I think the feelings my have started becoming a bit too intense for her. I said that’s fine and she said it was hard to tell me that because I am always there to help and that I’m always nice. So that theory is a bit of a stretch, but I do understand what you’re saying and there could be a sliver of truth to it. Her mom did move out at the end of January however she did move back in in June and that’s when we stopped seeing one another again.

@Helcat.

The father wasn’t overly abusive however I know he didn’t really step up as a father. He didn’t pay child support and my wife didn’t ask for it. I provided more for the kids than he did. In fact, with the settlement of the house happened, the only reason I didn’t take 50% of what I was entitled to is simply because of the kids. I took them in to full consideration.

As for my needs. Again it’s hard for me to say exactly what. I would often want to go on a mini vacation as we really didn’t have a honeymoon and she wouldn’t want to go. I also feel closet with her through physical touch. At some point that wasnt being reciprocated. I’m not just talking about sex but just any kind of physical affection. Anyhow, I may have wanted that too much and I think sometimes for her being more of a dismissive avoidant style of attachment this wasn’t always easy for her to do.

What happened was before her mom moved in I was in the master bedroom. My wife was downstairs and her son would sometimes sleep in his own room. Once her mom moved in she took my bed and I slept on the couch. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t sleep in my stepson’s room. I think it was because I didn’t want to as it’s his space. I suppose I could have had I wanted to.

I know there was a lack of communication. My wife is very independent and does have trouble communicating. She is more dismissive avoidant type whereas I’m anxious pre occupied and this is where my “neediness” shows up.  I’ve done some reading on these styles and a lot of it makes sense into the dynamics of the relationship.

Im just hurt and thought we could still see one another and we did up until her mom moved in. I’m trying to find some peace within myself but it’s not easy.

@Helcat

I think you’ve pointed out some interesting things. I don’t know why the cried when they knew I was seeing her. Their father is likely to have some influence over it. I can see him talking poorly about the situation. My wife left him because he was abusive. And I agree that it’s abusive for her to let her son sleep next to her. I think she feels guilty about some things and lets her kids dictate aspects where there should be boundaries.

I don’t know why I didn’t sleep in his bed when I was on the couch. It’s a good question. About my neediness. I think I wanted more attention than I was getting. Much of my happiness came from her which isn’t healthy. I would try to please her while neglecting my own needs. So I suppose I was just trying to be a good husband in the only way I knew how.

I love my wife my than anything and I have a really hard time being mad at her.  I would like to think that in a few years when the kids get older than we could reconcile as she even hinted at that when we stared seeing one another shortly after our separation

@Tee

When I say needs I can’t really pinpoint what exactly. I only really felt her pulling away near Christmas. Was there a lack of communication?  For sure there was. As for the sleeping arrangements. I do believe that she wasn’t getting good sleep being next to me. I do snore quite loudly. Whether the fact the her son played a role in it is hard to say.

As for her son. I don’t think when the sleeping arrangements changed is when he started distancing himself. I also can’t pinpoint exactly when this started happening but it was probably around Oct 2021. We had a good relationship and something happened and I don’t know what.  My wife said he was going through some stuff but didn’t tell me what that stuff was. I tried not to pry.

@Anita

I certainly always tried to please my wife. Was I a “yes man”?  I don’t know. I am who I am. Can I work on some aspects of my life?  For sure. I know my strengths and weaknesses. In my first relationship I did voice myself more but I can say that I didn’t really love her. It was my first relationship we were both lonely and we just stayed together too long. The feelings I have for my wife is unconditional love. I want her to be happy and I tried to do that. I did a lot of good things. I was good with the kids and I was good ti her. And I will always be good to her and I will never hurt her. Have I been hurt?  Yes.  But I’m trying to take things in stride as much as it hurts.