Hi Tee.

Well I’m in Canada so we always have a white Christmas:). Yeah martial arts does help both physically and mentally. It’s something I’ve done since I was 6 years old and always loved it. I work mostly from home and do have quite a bit of spare time on the weekends, especially during the winter so I will be looking for something to pass the time. When I feel down and out lately for the past year I’ve been resorting to unhealthy habits that I want to change. I still feel sad and I know grief has no timeline but it’s hard as time seems to standstill at times. Anyway, happy new year and perhaps we can keep chatting in 2023!

Dan

Maybe I should ask her to meet in person so that I can get some closure. Although I know that I would probably lose my composure if I saw her.

New development. I went to the pharmacy today and they said I had been taken off my wife’s insurance so I texted her and asked if she had taken me off. She said that she had back in September. My medication is expensive so I asked if she could possibly keep it the same. I said that because we’re technically married that by law it’s ok. And she said “but we’re not”. She is then texted “this is a good opportunity to tell you that I’m filing for divorce in January and that she didn’t want it to be a surprise”. I lost it. I started bawling. I guess I should have expected this. She was waiting for the year to pass to file since she had no grounds before this. It’s the finality of the word that makes it so hard. I know it’s just a piece of paper but I didn’t expect it. It was sudden. I’m upset, devastated, sad.

@Tee

You are right with everything you say. I can’t put my happiness on her and that’s not fair to her and it’s not helping me. I get lonely and then yes I do only remember the good times, mainly because there weren’t a lot of bad times. The good moments I believe outweighed the bad ones. But I can’t do anything about it. I’m still obviously very much in love and it’s a hard pill to swallow. Her last texts the other day were all business like and kind of impersonal. I guess I just don’t get how we can go from being best friends to this. When we reunited earlier this year she said that I’m her best friend. And now it’s like she wants nothing to do with me and again that’s hard to take. I’m trying to tell myself that if it’s meant to be it will be, that the universe doesn’t make mistakes. How do you feel about that?

@Tee

How are you? About a month since I posted here. Nothing really has changed. I’m still sad about the whole thing and depressed most days. I know things take time to heal but it’s still hard. Just thought I’d say hello and reach out to you since you have some good words. Hope all is well.

@Anita.
I know she has guilt she told me that. However, I also know that she still loves me as she told me that as well. You’re right, she doesn’t want to have communication with me right now. I honestly think it would be too hard for the both of us if we saw or even communicated with eachother from time to time. I would ask the question that you posed but we aren’t speaking however at some point we will and it’s a good question to ask, although I think I know the answer.

@Tee

I think you’ve really hit the nail on the head as far as her having almost two different lives, the fun loving and the giver people pleaser. Her boundaries with her kids were almost non existent and I know she’s just doing the best she can having been a single mom before meeting me. I’m really trying to see any positives throughout this whole thing. I mean perhaps had we not separated we may have started resenting one another. Things may have become bad. There’s no way to know this but things happen for a reason. I know she has a lot of responsibility and I’m hoping that perhaps at some point down the road we may reunite.  Who knows? I have a lot of things on my side that I can improve and I think before I ever get back into a relationship I want to feel better in my own skin.

@ Anita. @Tee

Thank you. Sorry I was away for a bit and just logged on. I will be talking about things with my therapist.

What I’m having problems with now is feeling a lot of loneliness. I miss my friend (my wife) and the way things happened I’m having trouble understanding. What I mean is that we were seeing one another after the separation for a while and things were going well but then she just stopped. So I haven’t gotten any closure at all and I feel like I did something wrong but I know I didn’t but that’s where my mind goes.

I know she has a ton of responsibility and probably doesn’t have time for me and I should know that by now but it’s hard to accept. We were supposed to go to a concert in November as I had bought tickets prior to Covid and when we were together back in May she asked if I still wanted to go. Then a few weeks ago (the last time we spoke) I asked if she still wanted to go and she said she didn’t think it was a good idea. That sort of broke my heart all over again.  I’m just struggling with everything that happened

My parents didn’t know about it and I didn’t tell my family until I was 23 years old.  I will be discussing this with a therapist as well. When I did open up and say something I believe there was some shock. We haven’t spoke much about it since then. Although I have brought it up on occasion when I was drunk. It’s definitely something I need to talk about as I feel the hurt and pain a lot right now given my situation.

I also wonder a lot what my wife is up to. I want to text her but I know that’s not a good idea at the moment. When I’m down on myself I wonder if she’s met someone else although given how things happened and what she has going on in her life I don’t think she is.  I know that’s an insecurity on my end but it still crosses my mind from time to time.  Anyhow, I pretty depressed and down these past few days. Thanks for listening.