Hello Anita

Indeed. That’s also why she needs solid proof. Without what I told you, it would not be such a problem despite her depression.
So you may perhaps understand what she means when she says  my changes are far from enough. She has pretty bad history. She need to see. She didn’t want to have further burden waiting so she took that decision. But I was hoping she would take her decision after seeing me..
She can’t be disappointed again. It would be drama and extremely harsh for her. She couldn’t stand it.

Of course now I can’t come straight away with that. But she need to feel I am ready. Or I don’t know maybe it would be a so great good surprise that she would accept. But risky, placing me in demand.. Before marriage she also need to see other changes. In some way it was also better we didn’t marry at that time. It would be very unhappy one. That’s why I keep telling to friends that covid was a chance for me. It gave me distance and time to improve on myself in all domains.

My idea if she accepts would be having a time talking. Maybe invited her walking or having something. Or even at home. I would talk about the past, my regrets, my awareness in what I failed and understood, speak about present, my changes, what I am now, how I now I changed. And make transition to future to speak about my plans, making a family..
If she doesn’t feel I am mature she won’t project. And if she feel ok, it could naturally lead to common projection.

Now I going to send a message after almost one month. I will ask her about her, how she is and her job. And that I thought about her.

Hello anita

Yes i mean a long term relationship for 7 years. It’s not common that long. I mean distant. We were considering marrying. That she come to France or either I live in Ukraine it didn’t matter. But her opportunities are better in France as a pharmacist I believe.
But I couldn’t move. One day she even prepared all papers for embassy. But I didn’t move and papers got expired. From that day, she told me I will have to prepare everything by myself. I never move my finger. I saw with my therapist that one problem I had was issues to move in life, to decide things and to ACT. So years passed. We wanted to marry. We never did. But we wanted. So until the break, we continued our long distance relationship. And she took on herself. Without I see it. When we were talking about it, I accused her she didn’t want to come. But she didn’t feel safe to come without a job.
The lack of job was the problem to have stability. I kinda proposed her but not officially and without giving her a ring. We were planning to marry. When she decided the pause, she told me she was taking back her ”yes”.
So yes there was a big pessimism. She moved for me in a city in Ukraine to be more ”central” in order I come more often. She sacrified her life but I did nothing in return. So she ended up in a flat in a city she didn’t know we took together that supposed to be temporary. Until now she still live there.

Yes she expects concrete actions. Of course I can’t come right now offering this option it would be too easy. I want. But very fast, she’ll want to feel I am ready and mature. Yes she wanted. Of course since this time a lot of water has passed under the bridge. And has I said she will want proves.

In that way the burden you said she feel when asked resuming the relationship would be as long as she didnt break up she would be still in the waiting expecting for something unsure making her more burden. Now that she doesn’t expect anything,  it would be easier.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by damien.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by damien.

I can’t find a way to edit posts anymore.

But I would add, if I meet her expectations that was missing before and I changed in a good way for her and in good path (the objective is also of course not to be perfect), how would you measure my chances of success for returning together ? I still don’t know until I see her how her condition affects her. It will be also there I will feel she needs time.

But I also imagine her decision was also to not give her an additional pressure to her state and that she doesn’t have to expect anything anymore. She finds it easier to free herself from any thinking on the future,  to not add additional pressure to those she already has from her problems..It’s also possible that by waiting my changes she mourned the relationship and considers conditions were not enough comforting and couldn’t wait. As she said, she couldn’t wait anymore.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by damien.

Thank you for your answer anita.

It’s difficult to expose the whole situation. But I didn’t wanted to resume the relationship. She couldn’t see or feel it that way. And then being oppressed She didn’t feel forced. We were on a break and we talked, got closer, redeveloped complicity but without wanting or expecting for the moment. I was just trying to do my best to be more supportive, good person compared to before.

It’s difficult to measure all that by distance. But I am pretty sure she was interested until recently because it was we were trying to build. Problem is that I couldn’t meet her before. Without the situation, I would go around march. The break was supposed to last until that date but then border closed and it was impossible. It’s only since one month that borders reopened here and we got vaccinated.

I may blame the depression because things got worse since she had it so I don’t know how she is or her condition. But I know that from end of may, communication start to be less and less or complicity. And it coincided with the time she told me she had another depression. In middle of may she was still telling about a show we were watching by distance that we need to be there together to watch the finale. I must have feel at the moment that it could be a proposition in order I ask her to go and I missed it.

Yes exactly it’s her talking. Because beyond that, the main issue were my changes. Before in the relationship I was pretty bad. And she gave a chance to change that. Without these problems, indeed even with her depression she may have not decided that. As I was saying, everything was done and decided by distance : the break, the break-up.. Without the opportunity to see us each other or discuss about it. As I told you, last time I saw her was January 7th 2020 !! We didn’t have physically met since then.
She wanted to give me a second chance but she gave me different in the relation. So she couldn’t wait more. That’s when she took her decision.

But the essential thing would be to see me changed, not the same anymore. She may had have a little preview but by distance it’s not the same.
As reconquering an ex partner, it’s essential to look forward the future. And so far, regarding how she remember me it was difficult. It will be up to me she sees another person she can trust. I can’t offer her the past. I must show her another person. We can’t resume the relationship because indeed it has ended. I would be a new one as a new person.

When she said to let her go, I did it and left some space. It was also the same word for the break. But I believe I have my chance to see her one last time and then she sees by her self. As you said at the beginning of the thread, she need to see me as a solution and not a problem anymore. If my changes can bring her safety I may have a chance.
I also think it would deserve a last in-person meeting. We had so intense relationship and we shared some many things despite being a distance relationship. I think something can happen if I am the new person she was expecting.
I will have to take my stuff anyway. So many things are there as we were planning to be together. 80 per cent of stuff are mine and I told her 3 weeks ago it will be normal to help her to make her space because as my old behavior it was not normal to not her let space. And she thanked me for this.

Hello Anita sorry our messages crossed.

I just added something because I wanted to share some messages. I don’t know if you saw it, it was the message before your answer.

I think yes because she also need to prepare. And perhaps for someone in depression, even if I don’t know her level, would be some pression.

Yes I wanted to leave some time no talking about her decision (about 3 weeks). But now I will reconnect with her. I will tell her and that I am considering to take a room. After it will be up to her to offer differently. It is not a good idea to share same bed for now. She did for friends but as we have an history it’s different. And you are right that telling her to not feel pressure is good help. I know she is the kind of person who wouldn’t let someone outside.

Yes it’s just a small 1 bedroom with just kitchen. It would maybe a possibility to bring a sleeping bag and air matress and sleep in the kitchen. Staying together would be more time to develop, talk.. But she also may need some time alone.

• Hello anita

I don’t know if it’s a good idea to come by surprise even if I have the keys for the flat. I think it’s better to tell her because she also needs to prepare.

Yes we would see as we are there and if she accepts.

No there is no spare room. There is just the room with the bed we bought together.  Also no couch. That’s why I don’t really know. If I ask to sleep in the flat, she could take it negatively. I was thinking taking a room just in case and see if she would finally offer me to stay at home. She would like to stay alone maybe if she is too bad. And sleeping with her even if it’s a pretty wide bed would be maybe confusing regarding the situation. Maybe later if she offers me.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by damien.