I was having a tough day today and haven’t been online in a while. All the supportive comments brightened my day. THANK YOU 🙂

UPDATE: I once told him out of anger…”God is watching!”  I think that stuck..as i got a text from him a week ago saying he went to a temple in India and made a peace offering to the Gods for forgiveness and said apologized to me and wishes me only happiness blah blah blah..

Cheezy I know. But I LOVE cheezy. Happy to know he feels guilty. and if that’s our last communication than I accept it. think i need to do the cutting cords meditation thanks VJ!

For a few weeks I started eating healthier, physically more active, hung out with friends, did meditations in a group. Ive decide to stop talking about this situation with friends as ive gotten comments from friends like – “oh he did a number on you” or “your energy attracted him, you need to be more positive” ….feels like salt on my wounds.

I experienced an anxiety attack this weekend over something not even related to him! I had a relative call who ive had history with and my chest got heavy and barely made it through the call.  I started gasping for air went on for 20 minutes..it was so scary. Im worried that im suppressing my emotions. During the attack it I was confused as to what to do or who to call – no family here and he was my emergency backup. I called my close friend of 20 years but  discovered bad judgement call. Not everyone is equipped to deal with such things. All i know is in the future if i have one call to make any my life depended on it , it wouldn’t be to her.

All i needed her to say was just breathe. im here. you’ll be ok. You’l get thru this. Instead I got stern inquiry of if id been in contact with him or received a message from him and that im doing this to myself …and be more positive and get over it already. ..in that moment my anxiety actually got worse. Luckily divine intervention stepped in and my phone died.  Sad as if it was reversed i would be more supportive.   She later sent me a text saying she needs time to focus on herself and that she will call in a week to check up. As im not in a neutral space i didn’t write back and decided that im not going to react until i need to. Right now going to focus on making through each day peacefully. I understand not everyone signed up to go through this with me and im trying very hard to separate my feelings and from sharing them. This is why i have this outlet and my conversations with God…feeling sad and alone.

Thank you for all the kind words. I am new to this site and these words have been providing me comfort. UPDATE: I did meet him one last time for closure before he left. I was not sure if I would go through with it but I did meet him. I found it healing. I remained calm and I just said I wasn’t ready for this to be over however as he made his decision and im not in limbo anymore. (I feel this strange sense of relief perhaps because finally a decision has been made) I talked about changing my phone number and he threw a fit saying that would be absurd and we can still be friends and he will for sure connect when he gets back…he kept saying that which made me realize he doesnt want this to be over…I didn’t say the most clever things I think I was a bit stunned feeling this would be our last time together. hopefully I remain true to that.

Like in any relationship when it breaks there is a period of grieving. I would start my morning drive by him calling…but now he doesn’t and feels so strange. We did alot together and now I dont look forward to weekends. Although i tried to make friends moving to a new city but find people flaky and now just watch a lot of movies and do things by myself. Thinking of joining something just to get my mind of of this but not sure what…all i know is I need community, connection and compassion.

I didn’t get up for days been cocooning and eating a load of junk food. I want to get back up on my feet work out have a killer body look 5 years younger and then fantasize about seeing him and saying oh im doing good in fact great and you didn’t effect me. I wonder if he enjoys a women loving him so much and that it builds his ego.

although not clear in above I did try to break it off twice once for 8 months once for 1 year without contact. But when you have history with someone its tough to give anyone else a shot I did try to date and didn’t find anyone interesting and his constant showering of affection emails phones texts, romantic song videos just tugged at my heart…I think now my age at 40…I want to be in a committed loving relationship but worried that it might come across too old not sure if kids will be in the cards now…if I was younger think id be able to bounce back more easily. Now I have this fear of moving forward and well…I guess time will tell. BTW I did try therapy but found myself talking a lot and no advise. I find this more healing to hear advise from people’s experiences who’ve gone thru breakups and how they cope. I just want to heal, live my life and be functioning again. Feeling numb.