Hey Anita, this is Lulu.

I had Prom a week ago by now. It went well I think. I haven’t been to that school in a year and since I lost a lot of weight and was wearing make-up, a lot of people didn’t recognize me. It was nice being called beautiful, even when I didn’t feel any different.

I managed to contact with some old friends, particularly the people I haven’t talked to since I left.

After Prom, I got a few messages from people I haven’t talked to in a while. Some apologized for not keeping in contact. Some said they couldn’t believe how much I had changed. I think what was most jarring was everyone saying how different I looked when I didn’t feel or act any different.

I spent most of Prom hanging outside in a small tent with an old friend and her friend group. I was congratulated on my acceptance to college, especially since it’s notorious for being difficult to get into since last year’s valedictorian was the only person who got in.

And speaking of valedictorian, this year’s valedictorian has been a good friend of mine since middle school. After my sister got diagnosed and I moved away, we didn’t talk. At least until now. At Prom, we sat down and talked for almost two hours. She hugged me and we cried. She said she hopes to see me at graduation.

I’m still on my antidepressants. Yesterday, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out, so I’m still recovering from that. My mouth and chin are incredibly swollen. According to my mom and sister, I cried when I woke up from surgery and asked the nurse if she loved me over and over again. They said I wanted the nurse to love me and I kept apologizing for not being perfect. I just kept saying sorry over and over again for not being perfect. Apparently, the nurse said I was perfect and she loved me, but I’m sure she was just trying to calm me down. My mom and the nurse hugged me and told me they loved me and it was going to be ok.

My mom and siblings are getting ready for North Carolina. I’m staying home so I can take care of our pets. My psychologycollege professor emailed me a few days ago so we can meet via zoom call and talk about some classroom plans.

Some highlights of this week; I got to play Smash Brothers with a guy friend of mine for about two hours. It was nice talking to him, especially since he’s been busy with college classes. I also got invited to another friend’s graduation party at Prom, so that was nice.

My current goals are graduating on time with a smile on my face, keeping up with my antidepressants and healing from my mouth surgery. I’m still nervous about college, but I think that I’ll be fine so long as I keep my confidence up, so I think I’ll be fine.

In the meantime, how have you been Anita?

Sometimes, I don’t think about anything that has been happening. Even with my sister’s current state, there are days where we are normal and happy and everything feels like it’s feel.

And then there are days where it feels as though the very world is ending for me and I get lost in a sea of bad memories and feelings.

I appreciate you taking the time to dissect my long rant, I know the online guidelines say 1000 to 2000 words, but I just got into such a mood that I felt the urge to blurt it out. I never got the chance to fully communicate my trauma and thoughts to the people in my life outside of my mom and therapist occasionally, so it felt like a weight has been released.

I’m still not sure where I’m going to be once I graduate or how this is going to occur or how North Carolina is, but I pray I have the strength to continue this journey with my mom and my family.

I’ll also try not to rant on here again like I have, but should anything major arise, I’ll provide updates here and there so I can ground myself. I hope that even though Tiny Buddha can’t replace an actual professionally acquired therapist, it can still be a pillar for my mental health as I enter college.

All of this is just to say, it feels good to be acknowledged outside of my trauma and my current situation. It often doesn’t feel like there’s a me outside of it, but right now, it feels like there’s a glimmer in there. Thank you both and have a good night. I’ll continue to float around the website for as long as I feel necessary, and hope to see both you and Anita around here.

“Maybe I’m the con and will continue to be so no matter where I go“- can you elaborate on this sentence?”

Certainly, I’ll be more than happy to elaborate.

I always felt that my issue was my environment, I think. There was always some excuse, “I’m in a  predominantly white area, I’m just not the right type of personality,” to the point where it’s like, no matter where I go, I won’t fit in I think. Like, I’m just doomed essentially to always be an outcast because I’m me and not any other reason if that makes sense.

A large part of me wants to go into the psychology field to learn my place in the world both socially and mentally, and to explore a side of myself that I find uncomfortable or disconnected so that I could help others. I want, more than anything, to have a sense of normalcy and be able to not only take care and support myself, but also be a pillar for people who feel like me; out of place.