Hi Erin, I’m commenting because I have been where you are & learned from it. I went through years of this with a guy I thought was the love of my life, best friend, soulmate. There are so many similarities. In my situation there was more beyond the cheating & deceitfulness, such as being taken advantage of financially. I don’t know if what I figured out applies to you & your ex, since I don’t know if there’s more to the story, but look up Narcissistic abuse. I was shocked when I learned about this, how much my ex fit the descriptions, almost completely. There’s a sense of entitlement & lack of remorse or guilt. And I don’t know if you’re anything like me, but I had figured out years ago, before I even met him, that I had abandonment issues from childhood. Once I learned about Narcissist abuse, I also learned that Narcissists & people with abandonment issues are often attracted to each other because they sort of “fit” together. Of course, this comes out painful for the one with the abandonment problem. I also learned & realized that he will never be any different. And though there may have been some genuine feeling or love he felt, he probably stayed with me so much because I put up with it. Also, don’t blame yourself for behaviors like looking at his phone. When I first started doing things like that I felt horrible, I had never done anything like that in any relationship before. But then my sister & friends said, are you kidding?!, I would have been doing that & more way before that! I’m not condoning that type of behavior, but I’m saying it’s a natural reaction when someone breaks your trust. What he did was a huge violation. That is his fault, not yours. My ex used to make me feel bad about being suspicious or asking questions or checking up on things. He acted like it was me who had the problem! But at least I knew better because I’d been in enough long term relationships already to know I wasn’t usually like that. Yes, after experiencing someone like this you will have trust issues, but that just means you need to look for someone who is decent enough to care about building trust with you. Don’t feel bad about going back & forth, forgiving, having attachment, or still missing him – that is all natural. You developed feelings for him & loved him. He was the one who did hurtful things, betrayed you, & destroyed the trust in the relationship. You are only reacting to his callous behaviors. However, the only thing that helped me was to keep myself away from him. I finally ended the relationship. I gave in & talked/texted with him for a few weeks afterward & even saw him a few times, but finally I was able to start ignoring texts, block him (which I thought was mean at first until a friend said that I was treating him better than myself because I was more worried about being mean to him than taking care of myself – & they were right – so I blocked him), & I moved on with my life. No, it was definitely not easy. It hurt a lot. But grieving is normal & after a while you get used to that hurt feeling just being there, knowing it will disappear little by little over time. Just get as much support as you can while grieving – talk to as many friends as you can or find support groups, whatever you have to do. I hope something I’ve said helps. I truly understand what you’ve gone through.