Anita,

I know it’s been a while, but I just wanted to say thank you for your posts. I’ve been steadily working on listening to my inner child and trying my best to manage the critic. Talking to you has been helpful, so thank you again for hearing me out.

Daniel

anita,

Thanks again for the guidance. I’m signing up to see a therapist in June when I get back to the states.

I’ve sat on this post for a while and I can’t seem to write from the child’s perspective. At least not at this point. The voice that came through last time was from a place of deep hurt. I know where the source of that hurt comes from and have already come to terms with it. I was bullied at a very young age and I know that has impacted how I accept myself as we’ll as how I view acceptance from other people.

I know that my emotions tend to flare up when I feel I’m having the most difficulty working towards what I value the most – love and connection. I’m in a place where I’ve lost both and am having trouble building up both and it bothers me. The part of me that doesn’t want to write from the child’s perspective is the part of me (I think both the rational and emotional) that wants to actually do something about the hurt. I’m not saying that the child’s voice isn’t valid and that I don’t want to hear it. More than anything, I do not want it to define who I am. I want to be able to move forward without always feeling so sorry for myself.

I accept that at my very worst, I feel lost, without a home, and hopeless. I know that these are the worst fears my inner child clings to, mainly because it hasn’t really tried to embrace other ways of feeling or acting.

I’m guess I’m writing all of this out as a way to talk about my fears (something I haven’t really done at all), as well as try to find ways to move beyond my fears. Perhaps the most important step I’m trying to take is not letting my greatest fears have such an enormous effect on how I view myself and dictate how I work towards what I value the most.

Maybe in my next post I can talk about what the inner child wants.

DH

Nina,

Thank you for the response. Here are my answers to your questions:

We were together 8 months. Not very long, but I felt very close to her and she seemed to clearly reciprocate those feelings.

I know that my insecurities about dating and relationships contributed to the breakup. I definitely had moments of avoidant behavior and passive aggressiveness that became very clear to me once the conversation about breaking up began. I don’t feel entirely responsible though, because I did try to approach the situation from position that we could work on the relationship and address the issues that it had. I was repeatedly told by her that there wasn’t anyway forward.

I still don’t know exactly why she left. The reason doesn’t seem to matter because she made it clear that she didn’t want to continue the relationship. I still feel hurt and on some level betrayed.

Although I don’t blame entirely for the breakup, I do blame my sense of purposelessness for the way I’ve felt, thought, and reacted to both the relationship and the breakup. In some sense, I was trying to find my own happiness and purpose through the relationship. I was probably unconsciously and consciously placing a lot of pressure on her to provide a sense of belonging and an anchor that I felt I lacked. Had I had that to begin with, I don’t think I would have clung to her so much and I don’t think I would continue to feel so devastated by the breakup.

In terms of career paths, I’ve been trying to pursue my desire to create art by balancing two seasonal jobs. Both of these jobs have me moving constantly and I’ve been trying to use the time in between to create art. For the most part I’ve enjoyed the work of both jobs and I still feel a strong desire create, but after losing my partner, not being able to develop a strong social circle because of how much I move, and being constantly worried about finances, I no longer feel I believe in the choices I’m making. I would love to have job where I have the freedom to create and be based in a community that I feel connected to. I don’t have any prospects, so I am trying to figure out what and where would be a good match for me.

I touched on your third question a little bit above. I know that my unstable work life is contributing to my feeling that I cannot maintain close relationships with anyone for very long. I move every couple months to different countries and my seasonal work involves being in very remote places. My jobs, however, aren’t the only thing I feel is holding me back from developing closer relationships with people. I’ve struggled to be open and honest with people. In many situations I act quite passively. I feel my lack of assertiveness and openness is preventing me from developing the close friendships and relationships I want.

I really appreciate you asking me these questions. I feel that writing out the answers is helping me get to a better understanding of what is bothering me and what I might need to do to address my feelings. Please feel free to share any of your thoughts.

DH