Lara,

This is something I do as well, and as they say, “the struggle is real,” haha.  Nobody, under any circumstance, appreciates hearing, “Just kill yourself,” even if it’s not directed towards them, so I believe I share your pain.  It happens when our thoughts become too loud and/or fast.  Like what you stated, it snaps me away from a thought even if only for a few seconds (which I think is why this became a habit, it actually -sort of- works), and is usually unforseeable enough to prevent.

What we do is a verbal form of self-harm.  I’ve noticed that creative hobbies and focusing on puzzles and games during down time helps.  Or any leisurely activity that lowers stress and keeps your inner voice exercised in talking about the task and not yourself.  For example, thinking, “This piece can’t go here or here, so it must go there,” weighs less than, “I didn’t do that right.”. Having a variety of these at the ready is a good idea in case you get bored of one. Reading out loud keeps my voice occupied with non-destructive things, if that makes sense.  What works for you might be different from what works for me, so just experiment!

It really is a tough thing to live with, and if I understand you correctly, stems from wanting to be a better person.  Maybe you have in mind an ideal version of yourself or how things should be, but you feel like you’re not living up to that. You want to take responsibility, and the voicing comes from feeling in that moment that there’s nothing you can do, you’re stuck.

Another thing you can try is taking time to think about people you admire and people you’re not particularly fond of.  Create a spectrum of what their strengths and weaknesses are (keep in mind that your version will probably differ at least a little from what they think of themselves), and carefully consider where your own strengths and weaknesses fall on that spectrum.  Lo and behold, it’s all over the place.

I can’t speak for everybody, but doing this periodically helps restore a sense of validity.  So if you feel in that there’s nothing you can do about bettering yourself today, then at least you can get yourself some mental security that hey, you’re not doing as bad as you thought.

I couldn’t believe coming across your post.  I’ve never met anyone who does the same, and it does feel quite crazy and lonely.  Thank you so much for sharing!

-Angie