Lyla, I, too, have felt in the past that focusing on others helps. However, I also feel that it is a sure way to not have strong enough personal boundaries if you do not focus on yourself at all. You must know your lines/ boundaries. You have to feel uncomfortable and just be to know what hurts and what doesn’t: what you are ok with and what you are not okay with. This way, you can protect yourself from any possible future injustice.

I also agree with Helen. A person can empty and lonely by themselves as well as in the company of others because the feeling is internal, not external.

Resurrecting every negative thing that has happened sounds pretty bad. It sounds like living in the past.

A good place to change is your way of thinking. Think not of what happened in the past so often, but instead of what you appreciate now in the present, even if it includes the other people in your life or not. There has to be something in every moment in your life that comforts you and that you can appreciate: the warmth of the sunlight, the taste of the food you put in your mouth, the mere fact that you are alive and healthy. The problem with negative thoughts is they tend to spiral in our heads out of control and one negative thought becomes a hundred. When you recognize a negative thought or even a thought that you may obsess over, it is important to stop and think to yourself, “Stop! Cancel! I am in charge of my life now!” and then to move on to things you already have and appreciate in the present.

You don’t have to suffer. Time to move on without them. Change can be painful, but it is worthwhile. To move on, what will you do differently? How will you think differently?

Wow. Tough times indeed! It sounds to me you have several options:
a). Face the fear of leaving a boyfriend who you claim still doesn’t love you despite your sacrifices and move in with your dad where you can rest and do art until you figure out life.
b). Face the fear of trusting strangers on craigslist and find someone to move in through the internet.
c). Move to Hawaii and face the legitimate fear of risking running out of money.

At this point, unless something else comes up, you’ll have to face one of your fears because your body, mind and spirit has already told you that you can’t take any more of the current environment you are in and you are very obviously consciously of what is going on.

I know times seem tough right now, but things are going to work out one way or the other if you make it happen. You must have faith. 🙂 Where there’s will, there’s a way. I have faith in you! You are going to choose a new life that works for you and you will be happy! It’s going to hurt to leave him, run away or to have to depend on strangers; but that’s life. You clearly need a change, so whatever you choose will do you good.

It’s hard to leave the side of someone you love, but are you really going to live without making a change you clearly want? Why choose such a tortured existence to support someone who does not love you back and risk another breakdown?

In light of the fact that you do not have transportation, perhaps it would be wisest to move somewhere you could go to work, social activities, perhaps school, groceries somewhere where you are either within walking distance or there’s good public transportation. Also, being with family such as your dad isn’t a bad place to figure your life out (assuming your dad is a dependable guy)…. You know your dad and he isn’t a stranger. Small towns are good for figuring things out because you have quiet and your own thoughts, which you can also put into your art.

When I left my ex, I was able to find places to live and jobs in less than a week. This has happened twice in my life, and I was able to find better jobs and comfortable living arrangements each time. When times are tough/ dark, it’s just time to move on. When one door closes, go kick some other doors down! You can do this! 🙂

Also, don’t be so hard on yourself! I am sure you can take care of a child! You supported your boyfriend just as a mother would do! 🙂

Peace be with you!

I’ve been in your shoes and in my experience, it’s impossible to have a clear head unless he is out of the picture. I am being redundant, as two others before me already said the same thing. However, I speak from experience. To disconnect your feelings, you need time away from him. Cut off contact or remain attached forever to someone who was and remains dishonest with you. It will take time, but eventually, you will feel whole again.

Sufi,
I think it is courageous and wonderful that you are trying to change something that’s been part of you since you were 8 or younger: your anger. It will be a lot of work, but you sound motivated to face this challenge!

That said, I also think it is very unwise of your fiance to remain so close to you when you are angry. Even when one puts a tantrumming angry child in a corner, you walk away! There is NO rational discussion when we are in our reptilian flight or fight angry phase! He needs to walk away and wait until you calm down and approach him when your rational state has returned! It is unsafe and impractical for him to be nearby!

It seems that although you are externalizing your anger by directing it at objects and finace, you have a lot anger towards yourself and and your family from when you were 8 and it’s bottled up. It just explodes when you see small things around the home that bother you. I would try a little self-compassion towards yourself to alleviate some of that anger. http://www.self-compassion.org/ Counting is definitely difficult to do in the heat of the moment. Have you tried something more active such as going for a walk by yourself? It would get you fresh air and time away from your fiance as well. Do you journal? Writing can be very calming. Yoga and meditation using a mantra and mula beads along with aromatherapy helps me too.

In addition to your anger, you’ve quit your job and stopped exercising. It may be difficult, but exercise and healthy diet are crucial to your mood. Would your fiance or someone else you know be willing to exercise with you to keep you on the exercise routine? Have you sought professional help to treat your depression? It may be difficult to get through the anger when you’ve got such depression going on. You may want to try treating that first.

Be patient. All of your emotions will take time to process so even though you want to change, it won’t happen overnight!

You set your own value. If you compare yourself to your peers, you set up a value system. If you choose to go by your mother’s words, that is also a value you set for yourself. Obviously, you aren’t very happy with the value system you have for yourself because deep down, you know you are worth more. Stop comparing yourself to others. Think of things to be grateful for often. Journal about your gratitudes if that helps or you can pray or meditate about it. Spend time with positive people. Positivity can be contagious! Make lists of things you like about you or things that you enjoy and make you laugh or smile. Set a goal and instead of worrying whether this goal is your purpose, let the goal change over time and let it change you. Adapt to whatever comes along. All of this takes time, but it’s all doable! 🙂

Personally, I find Patanjali’s yoga sutras and Mollyecue’s Buddha Doodles to be very positive and inspiring daily! However, this may not be what makes you smile and feel at peace, but I am sure there is something for you with exploration. Explore and enjoy, but don’t frustrate yourself with endless search because there’s always something to be happy about in the present. Even people living in the trash dumps of India can smile, so there is no reason you can’t.