Peter thank you so very much for taking the time to write this reply.
“When I read your post, between the lines, I heard a longing for authentic relationship with another and so it is my intention that the following quotes might help you use this experience as a doorway to becoming” this is very true. I will read the books you suggest might help. Thank you again.

Anita thank you so much also for again taking the time to reply. It does feel as if I’m on my own and up against all of them. I can’t understand why on earth they would be so interested. Or why I ended up getting so involved with defending myself part and not seeing it for what it is. Downright unacceptable behaviour from all of us

I remember when we met he told me his ex was his best friend. I told him I understood his situation and it wouldn’t bother me as I was very much still friendly with my ex and infsct was happy to be honest and say I cared for him. Not in an “in love” way obviously. Almost immediately he began to show jealousy issues and I pulled away from all contact so as to help his insecurities. I recall taking pictures of my whereabouts to help ease his panic that I was where I claimed. The abuse on my part started when I began to resent what was happening with me when all he talked about was his ex. Back to the psychological projection theory. Im a really sensitive person and would ask him if he was messaging her all the time? And then thinking I was doing the same and getting upset. There were many upsets over this kind of thing and I would get annoyed and whine at him for far longer than any normal adult should. Then he promised it would stop…(which it didn’t)..but I knew it hadn’t so would question him (this is where it becomes me that’s nagging and causing fights and making him miserable in his mind). We had so many upsets I have no idea why we both stayed. I don’t know if this is only in my head but I got on great with all of his family, his mother, 2 sons and brother. But around the same time he voluntarily stopped contact with his ex, he began to call his family up and cry to them about our fights. So whilst he lived with me and I had no one to confide in at the risk of making my family resent him…..he would be bawling his heart out with anything he could to make them pity him. There is no black and white…..I’m aware he’s been hurt and damaged way before I came along. But I’m now in a place where he accepts he has done wrong but instead of finding a solution he just keeps doing the same. Every day they call each other and every day he speaks to them in private. His son refused to see me back in January and he kept this from me until I finally forced the truth out of him in September! I don’t understand why he would want to create all of this mess. He says he lacks the ability to stop and consider these things until it’s too late. He promised one evening recently that it would stop but the very next morning did the exact same thing, (took a quick call saying he’d call back then waited until I was gone to do so). It shouldn’t be that big of a deal I suppose but it’s so hurtful. I’m not included in anything they do together and if I complain I’m trouble making and crazy and do I expect him to stop seeing his son or his brother :/. It’s really silly that I tolerate it but I do nonetheless.
Anita my abuser part is that I cause these arguments by complaining. He feels that our whole relationship has been difficult because of my trouble making and moods. I don’t agree with it but then maybe I’m fooling myself. Maybe I’m the narcissist so much so that I can’t see it.
What was interesting though was I was offered a fantastic job/pay with my ex recently and my partner didn’t sleep for days over it. But I’ve been told I’m crazy and abusive for being hurt at him diluting our relationship with his ex for years.

I guess I posted this partly because I’m confused and aware that I can be very sensitive as well as single minded and demanding of the truth when I smell a rat. But also because if You all think I’ve been ridiculous for feeling hurt over this stuff then I’d welcome your opinions. Harsh or not. Suiting me or not :).