Hey Louisa,

I’m in UK too 🙂 .. so will be on same time as you, YaY.

We seem to have had the same childhood. I was youngest of 6 and by the time I came around, my mother had given up. My father was violent, so were my brothers, my mother was neglectful and so was my sister. It’s alot of pain if I allow myself to go there, and believe me sometimes I can’t help but go there. I’ve done therapies and counselling, hidden behind food, drugs (prescription and street) in my time and in the end it all came down to accepting myself as I am. No-one is harder on me than I am and I have to watch that, and as explained before I try to love myself more these days.

I’ve slayed my addictions, taken a long hard look at my life and got rid of the emotional vampires and poisonous people. I found that a lot of people are drawn to me as an agony aunt of sorts (fits well as I was my mothers growing up) .. and drew a lot of negative, broken people towards me. Which is fine as long as they are trying to mend themselves .. unfortunately I was surrounded by a lot of drama queens, whiny putter uppers (my own word lol) ….

You’ll be ok Louisa, as you said .. you need to start loving yourself. That’s why it’s good to be your own best friend .. I’ve stopped giving all my love out to anyone and everyone just to have someone to talk to, be with, in a hope that they’ll love me, accept me, SEE ME … instead I’ve changed the direction of that love and put it back into me … I’m a work in progress and I’m proud of the strides I’ve made in the last year particularly. It’s ok to break down sometimes cause then you get to put yourself back together again, make something new, discard old ideas, habits and thoughts that were ingrained in you and you can replace them with your own ….

I can’t stress enough .. read read read …. meditation, compassionate mindfulness, keep encouraging people around you and listen to uplifting music. Don’t give in or up.

You are not flawed!!! There is nothing wrong with you (something it took me a long time to learn – ‘there must be something about me’ – why don’t they love me ‘I must be flawed or f*cked up’ …. no no no please learn to love yourself, I know it’s hard when you’ve had the starts that we’ve had and believe me I still have days (and I allow myself to have them, but I put a time limit on it (a day, an hour to be pissed off about the injustices) then it’s dust off and get back on the horse.

Yes the water thing … helps to clear the negatives in my head. Time to retrain your brain gal and you know what, it will be the best thing you ever did. You’ve had a lot of negative thoughts put into your head in your childhood and that has now become your inner voice, you need to replace that negative voice with the empowering positive voice .. and that’s where the reading comes into it …. replace, retrain …. you can do it – I’m doing it and so can you!!!

Firstly Louisa, let me give you a massive hug.

I related to your post, I registered on this website in order to be able to respond to you – so this is my first ever post on these forums.

I don’t have M.E so I cannot comment about that, however I do have a very tentative relationship with my mother and siblings. I too used to put in tons of effort (esp when I had a car) and visits and since coming across some challenging times financially and losing job, car etc …. have found in the past year particularly that no effort or help has been coming back and at first I was very resentful.

Then I took a step back and really looked at the situation (didn’t really have much choice being so isolated and with plenty of time on my hands) and started to realise that putting in all the effort is something I’ve always done. So I started looking at it across the board and realised that I tend to do this ‘over-compensating’ with friends, bfs, family and probably my child too. The first thing I had to accept and you do too, is that not everybody thinks like you. Sounds simple huh? but seriously .. not everybody is kind, not everybody looks out for others, not everybody wants to have close relationships and that’s ok. Each to their own. I’m not trying to be negative here, I’m just trying to point out that we are not all the same and what you value, think and how you would deal with things, is not necessarily how others think, value and see things.

I believe that my mother is very depressed and so do my siblings but she is walls up, closed off to the idea that her life is not working for any reason that has to do with herself and you know what, fine. I’ve spent years trying to be there for my mum, trying to be the best daughter I can be for a smidgen of love that I never got. Yes it still hurts if I think about it too much (I try not to and focus on things I can change – i.e Me) however I have chosen to not invite her out anymore, she usually says no or stands me up and that reinforces my rejection cycle so I’ve stopped doing it. I’ve started to focus on myself and you need to do the same thing.

I agree with Jos last comment wholeheartedly that you cannot rely on others for your own happiness, the same as you can’t rely on material things or anything that’s outside of yourself to bring you happiness. It starts from within you.

I’ve found that people tend to treat you how you’ve allowed yourself to be treated and if you look around and find yourself wanting, then you need to look deeper within yourself as to why you have allowed people into your world that do not nourish you, chances are it stems from your own self esteem levels and will be a reflection on how you treat yourself.

Learn to love yourself, pamper yourself when you feel down that’s what I do .. I try to be my own best friend on those days. I f it’s treat myself to some Lush soaps and have a soak or go cinema on my own and buy popcorn and watch a film … I spend quality time with myself, loving and nurturing myself and you know what .. the nicer I am to myself, the less I allow others to disrespect me, neglect me, treat me badly. I’d rather be alone or around those relationship that are nourishing.

It is hard when it’s your family, they’re supposed to love and care for us regardless right? wrong!!! and you know what … so what!! I read a stat somewhere that over 80% of familieis are disfunctional, it’s the new norm. Unless your family is open to realising there is a problem, sitting down with you to try and resolve it .. you’ll be like a dog chasing it’s own tail .. round and round and round ….

As Einstein said, it’s insanity to do the same action and expect a different result.

I don’t chase affection no more, I give it to myself and you need to learn to do the same. Be careful of going on anti depressants, I was on them for 4 and a half years and though they helped me at first, I began to rely on them and they zombied me and were a nightmare to get off. I don’t think you need medication, I think you need to change your mindset and that will only come from reading, researching and doing the work. ‘When you know better, you do better’ – Maya Angelou

Read read read, listen to empowering and /or uplifting music .. focus on You and how you can make your life better and don’t forget .. when you’re feeling down – be your own best friend and spoil yourself. It’s so much better for scrambling for affection that your not going to get.

HOpe that helps xx