[quote quote=434542]These are some psychological theories. There are some cases, where people are attracted to people who are unhealthy for them. It is called schemas being activated. It creates intense chemistry. Schemas are unhealthy thought patterns about ourselves. Their purpose is to exist and they entice actions that feed them. It is like people being raised in a difficult home being unhappy once they leave home. The mind seeks normality, even if that normality is unhappy. And resists being happy because it is not considered normal. You are being quite hard on yourself, you do not strike me as a fool. You are trying to protect yourself, trying to resist impulses, trying to heal. If there is a psychological model for these things it is common behaviour! We are really just animals following our feelings. It is hard work and takes a lot of figuring out. It sounds like your feelings are starting to catch up to your logic, which is pretty awesome. You didn’t need a psychological model to be explained to you to start to figure things out. You managed that yourself. And of course I’m sure it was helpful talking things through too.[/quote][quote quote=434542]These are some psychological theories. There are some cases, where people are attracted to people who are unhealthy for them. It is called schemas being activated. It creates intense chemistry. Schemas are unhealthy thought patterns about ourselves. Their purpose is to exist and they entice actions that feed them. It is like people being raised in a difficult home being unhappy once they leave home. The mind seeks normality, even if that normality is unhappy. And resists being happy because it is not considered normal. You are being quite hard on yourself, you do not strike me as a fool. You are trying to protect yourself, trying to resist impulses, trying to heal. If there is a psychological model for these things it is common behaviour! We are really just animals following our feelings. It is hard work and takes a lot of figuring out. It sounds like your feelings are starting to catch up to your logic, which is pretty awesome. You didn’t need a psychological model to be explained to you to start to figure things out. You managed that yourself. And of course I’m sure it was helpful talking things through too.

Hi again!

Thank you for this. Very interesting.  I believe this is something I would like to learn a little about.  I am going to do some research on schemas.  But, I do agree with you, that my feelings are catching up to my logic. And I am figuring things out, in part due to talking things out with virtual strangers.  Caring strangers.  i couldn’t be happier I found this forum

Hi Anita!

It truly means so much, the time you (and others) who take time out of their day to help others going through a hard time. I appreciate it so much.

You have put things in perspective, you pull from my ramblings and see what is going on, what went on. Thank you for seeing I was not crazy.

I don’t believe he had a guilty conscience about anything he did.  Each breakup prior to the last, there were financial obligations he made and left me to figure them out. This last was the worst, making less money. Though ultimately my decision to change jobs (I was very unhappy where I was), he was instrumental in the decision.  Being remote, we could work anywhere, go away for the winter, yada, yada  he has a cushy job which allowed him to do the same.  But I am happy with my job and I’ve had a few raises, so I am ok now, but I wasn’t for a while.

I would agree with your “dominant” attitude comment.  I’d say today, looking back, he was manipulative and controlling.  It was all so subtle, slow-like.

I find what you shared about the book very enlightening, very relatable.  I am going to look it up.  Ironically, when he dumped me 2 years ago, the last thing I said to him was, you are an evil human.

again, and again, thank you!

Debs

[quote quote=434487]Dear Deb123, Yes, he has treated you badly before and there is no indication that will change in the future. I am well aware of men’s behavior of not being sure about a woman. He likes you but doesn’t want to commit if another woman comes along. So thinking playing the field. But, it is only hurting you. So, it is time to cut this loose and move on. My advice is not always the best nor does anyone want to listen to me. But, you even said it yourself. Why would you even want to see him ever again? Tommy[/quote]

Tommy,

thank you!  Your advice is most likely spot on. I appreciate your honesty.  And, I agree with what you’re saying.  I feel he will never change and he will do to the next person what he did to me. Maybe not.  Who knows. I want to get to the point where I just don’t care anymore

Debs

[quote quote=434480]Dear Debs123: You are welcome! “I accidentally hit ‘report’… My apologies“- mistakes happen, you are forgiven for being human! “he left me 3 times, bailing in commitments he made, leaving me worse off than the time before. Specifically, financially… He got caught in a lie, one that made zero sense to even lie about. Said it was the only time he lied, only to slip up the very next day about another lie he told. So he lied about lying“- talking about mistakes (above), lying is not a mistake such as unintentionally hitting the wrong key on your keyboard. Lying is intentional, intended to deceive. His behavior overtime is a pattern of misbehavior that has hurt and harmed you. “Why would I even want to see him ever again???“- good question and I would like to explore the answer with you. Would you like that? anita[/quote]

Hi Anita. Thank you, again, for your reply.

His lies are intentional and hurtful, not to mention wondering many, many times if he was lying. I had a lot of gut feelings he was lying on many occasions.  These 2 I found out about…I had a gut feeling when they happened.

There’s more to the story, as there always is. He did nice things for me throughout the times we were together. He had a way of making me feel special, that I was important. However, he was unkind at times also, making jokes at my expense, saying mean things in the heat of the moment. He told me to go fix myself (I became insecure, doubting things he said, questioning so much, things like that). There just seemed to be something missing, holes in stories.  He hated conflict, so when I would approach him about how I was feeling, like when he seemed “different” to me, he would eventually blow up at me because, for me, it just wasn’t resolved. He was tired of me bringing things up, that’s when he’d yell.

I can’t wrap my head around him rejecting me again and again, after promising me so much. A life together. How do you love someone and turn around and keep walking away?  And why can’t I let it go?  I know he is not good for me. I just want to forget him. I don’t know how. I don’t know why this is happening. I’ve been in relationships that have ended, and I’ve always moved past them. This is different.  I feel like he played me every time, like he was pretending to be someone he’s really not.  But gosh, he was so believable. It hurts my heart, still.

Thanks, Anita, for your response. I accidentally hit “report” instead of “reply” first. I don’t know if that does anything. My apologies, if so.  I’m not even sure I am replying correctly, lol.

I’d say, yes, it’s just true in the moment for him. He said a lot of things, that I’ve even thought to myself in the past – he felt it at that moment. Because who walks away again and again after making commitment after commitment?  Embarrassingly, I admit, I kept going back to him. Believing him. Believing he loved me, wanted to spend his life with me. But he left me 3 times, bailing in commitments he made, leaving me worse off than the time before. Specifically, financially. Truly, over time, I became an emotional mess. I always felt something was off, sensed he was lying to me about things. But could never catch him in anything. Until the last breakup. He got caught in a lie, one that made zero sense to even lie about. Said it was the only time he lied, only to slip up the very next day about another lie he told. So he lied about lying. Two weeks later he dumped me (this was 2 years ago -my post). I had just taken another job, making less pay.  I had been looking because I was not happy at my current job. He was influential in this decision. It was fully remote, way better benefits and 401k. He said he’d supplement my income until we could buy a house together.  And he bailed, less than 2 months later, citing communication problems. My God, I’m rambling.  Why would I even want to see him ever again???