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July 2, 2024 at 6:55 pm #434580
Debs123
Participant[quote quote=434542]These are some psychological theories. There are some cases, where people are attracted to people who are unhealthy for them. It is called schemas being activated. It creates intense chemistry. Schemas are unhealthy thought patterns about ourselves. Their purpose is to exist and they entice actions that feed them. It is like people being raised in a difficult home being unhappy once they leave home. The mind seeks normality, even if that normality is unhappy. And resists being happy because it is not considered normal. You are being quite hard on yourself, you do not strike me as a fool. You are trying to protect yourself, trying to resist impulses, trying to heal. If there is a psychological model for these things it is common behaviour! We are really just animals following our feelings. It is hard work and takes a lot of figuring out. It sounds like your feelings are starting to catch up to your logic, which is pretty awesome. You didnāt need a psychological model to be explained to you to start to figure things out. You managed that yourself. And of course Iām sure it was helpful talking things through too.[/quote][quote quote=434542]These are some psychological theories. There are some cases, where people are attracted to people who are unhealthy for them. It is called schemas being activated. It creates intense chemistry. Schemas are unhealthy thought patterns about ourselves. Their purpose is to exist and they entice actions that feed them. It is like people being raised in a difficult home being unhappy once they leave home. The mind seeks normality, even if that normality is unhappy. And resists being happy because it is not considered normal. You are being quite hard on yourself, you do not strike me as a fool. You are trying to protect yourself, trying to resist impulses, trying to heal. If there is a psychological model for these things it is common behaviour! We are really just animals following our feelings. It is hard work and takes a lot of figuring out. It sounds like your feelings are starting to catch up to your logic, which is pretty awesome. You didnāt need a psychological model to be explained to you to start to figure things out. You managed that yourself. And of course Iām sure it was helpful talking things through too.
Hi again!
Thank you for this. Very interesting. Ā I believe this is something I would like to learn a little about. Ā I am going to do some research on schemas. Ā But, I do agree with you, that my feelings are catching up to my logic. And I am figuring things out, in part due to talking things out with virtual strangers. Ā Caring strangers. Ā i couldnāt be happier I found this forum
July 2, 2024 at 6:42 pm #434579Debs123
ParticipantHi Helcat!
Thank you, once again, for your insight. Ā I will be forever grateful to those of you who care enough to help strangers who need to vent, to be heard. I appreciate this more than you know.
Thank you, also, for your kind words and encouragement. I have tried to date, though my heart didnt seem to be in it. Maybe I should give it a go again. I would like to meet someone, someone so unlike him! Ā Yes, someone who makes my heart sing. Ā Itās time to put my energy toward myself and stop making it about him. Ā That is not energy well spent.
His words are meaningless, I will always remember!
Thank you š
Debs
July 2, 2024 at 6:31 pm #434578Debs123
ParticipantHi Anita!
It truly means so much, the time you (and others) who take time out of their day to help others going through a hard time. I appreciate it so much.
You have put things in perspective, you pull from my ramblings and see what is going on, what went on. Thank you for seeing I was not crazy.
I donāt believe he had a guilty conscience about anything he did. Ā Each breakup prior to the last, there were financial obligations he made and left me to figure them out. This last was the worst, making less money. Though ultimately my decision to change jobs (I was very unhappy where I was), he was instrumental in the decision. Ā Being remote, we could work anywhere, go away for the winter, yada, yada Ā he has a cushy job which allowed him to do the same. Ā But I am happy with my job and Iāve had a few raises, so I am ok now, but I wasnāt for a while.
I would agree with your ādominantā attitude comment. Ā Iād say today, looking back, he was manipulative and controlling. Ā It was all so subtle, slow-like.
I find what you shared about the book very enlightening, very relatable. Ā I am going to look it up. Ā Ironically, when he dumped me 2 years ago, the last thing I said to him was, you are an evil human.
again, and again, thank you!
Debs
July 2, 2024 at 6:13 am #434539Debs123
Participant[quote quote=434515]Dear Debs123: You are welcome. āHis lies are intentional and hurtfulā¦ he was unkind at times also, making jokes at my expense, saying mean things in the heat of the momentā¦ heād yellā, but he also made you feel special: āHe had a way of making me feel special, that I was importantā. For a person who regularly feels, or has felt growing up, not special, not important, to get to feel special and important is intoxicating, like a dream come true. āI canāt wrap my head around him rejecting me again and again, after promising me so much. A life togetherā- you felt that he promised you a lifetime of being special and important to him, as in.. heaven on earth (I might be exaggerating here, maybe not)? āAnd why canāt I let it go?ā- let him go, or let go of what he may have represented for you, if he did: a promise of a lifetime of being special and important? Is it that for that promise you were willing to ignore his lies, occasional meanness, etc.? anita
Hi Anita
I appreciate your input, thank you.
I do think the promises he made over and over are some of the reason for staying. I wanted that life, but at what cost? The others, I loved him ( or thought I did?). Ā I often thought he was lying, but couldnāt prove it. There were times I thought I was going crazy, unsure about what was real and what wasnāt. Ā Was he even real? Ā Was he hiding behind a mask? Was I just paranoid? How many lies were there? Ā I wish heād never sent that random text. I wish he didnāt ask me to dinner, and 2 weeks later, no word. I wish I hadnāt looked at the dating sites and seen him on several right now.
I probably sound off my rocker, because I should be able to just forget this man. He had shown me over and over that he can just leave. I was good to him, always there, always supportive, everything he was looking forā¦so he saidā¦ until I wasnāt. Again and again.
July 1, 2024 at 6:32 pm #434514Debs123
Participant[quote quote=434487]Dear Deb123, Yes, he has treated you badly before and there is no indication that will change in the future. I am well aware of menās behavior of not being sure about a woman. He likes you but doesnāt want to commit if another woman comes along. So thinking playing the field. But, it is only hurting you. So, it is time to cut this loose and move on. My advice is not always the best nor does anyone want to listen to me. But, you even said it yourself. Why would you even want to see him ever again? Tommy[/quote]
Tommy,
thank you! Ā Your advice is most likely spot on. I appreciate your honesty. Ā And, I agree with what youāre saying. Ā I feel he will never change and he will do to the next person what he did to me. Maybe not. Ā Who knows. I want to get to the point where I just donāt care anymore
Debs
July 1, 2024 at 6:09 pm #434512Debs123
Participant[quote quote=434460]Hi Debs123 If he does not reach out that is a good thing and he has done that for you. You know that this backwards and forwards pattern with him isnāt healthy. Ego boost? Quite possibly. It is nice for him to have someone that keeps taking him back over and over no matter what he does. And he can just break up and whenever he wants to! You deserve so much more. It is sad that you havenāt believed that you do. Time for that to change? Love and best wishes! ā¤ļøš[/quote]
thank you!
It is very sad, as it certainly looks like I feel I donāt deserve more. I know that I do. Ā I let him do this to me, and it truly makes me feel like a fool.
It would be best that he never reaches out again and I somehow find a way to let it all go. I think part of the problem is I donāt understand. Everything he committed to, only to bail. Leaving me to figure out how Iām going pay the bills, figure out why he does this to me, figure out why I let him. And why I go back.
One day, one day! Iām going to get past it Ā š
July 1, 2024 at 5:58 pm #434511Debs123
Participant[quote quote=434480]Dear Debs123: You are welcome! āI accidentally hit āreportāā¦ My apologiesā- mistakes happen, you are forgiven for being human! āhe left me 3 times, bailing in commitments he made, leaving me worse off than the time before. Specifically, financiallyā¦ He got caught in a lie, one that made zero sense to even lie about. Said it was the only time he lied, only to slip up the very next day about another lie he told. So he lied about lyingā- talking about mistakes (above), lying is not a mistake such as unintentionally hitting the wrong key on your keyboard. Lying is intentional, intended to deceive. His behavior overtime is a pattern of misbehavior that has hurt and harmed you. āWhy would I even want to see him ever again???ā- good question and I would like to explore the answer with you. Would you like that? anita[/quote]
Hi Anita. Thank you, again, for your reply.
His lies are intentional and hurtful, not to mention wondering many, many times if he was lying. I had a lot of gut feelings he was lying on many occasions. Ā These 2 I found out aboutā¦I had a gut feeling when they happened.
Thereās more to the story, as there always is. He did nice things for me throughout the times we were together. He had a way of making me feel special, that I was important. However, he was unkind at times also, making jokes at my expense, saying mean things in the heat of the moment. He told me to go fix myself (I became insecure, doubting things he said, questioning so much, things like that). There just seemed to be something missing, holes in stories. Ā He hated conflict, so when I would approach him about how I was feeling, like when he seemed ādifferentā to me, he would eventually blow up at me because, for me, it just wasnāt resolved. He was tired of me bringing things up, thatās when heād yell.
I canāt wrap my head around him rejecting me again and again, after promising me so much. A life together. How do you love someone and turn around and keep walking away? Ā And why canāt I let it go? Ā I know he is not good for me. I just want to forget him. I donāt know how. I donāt know why this is happening. Iāve been in relationships that have ended, and Iāve always moved past them. This is different. Ā I feel like he played me every time, like he was pretending to be someone heās really not. Ā But gosh, he was so believable. It hurts my heart, still.
June 30, 2024 at 4:00 pm #434448Debs123
ParticipantHi Helcat
Thank you for responding. I have not asked him, as I had planned to do that all at dinner. But, he has not bothered to reach out again. I donāt think itās a good idea to see him. I feel heās toying with me, possibly. Ā I just canāt be sure. Ā Ego boost? Ā He knows how I feel about him, yet is making little effort. What am I thinking, anyway? Ā Heās not good for me. My family and friends would be appalled if they knew we talked. Ā That says a lot.
June 30, 2024 at 3:52 pm #434446Debs123
ParticipantThanks, Anita, for your response. I accidentally hit āreportā instead of āreplyā first. I donāt know if that does anything. My apologies, if so. Ā Iām not even sure I am replying correctly, lol.
Iād say, yes, itās just true in the moment for him. He said a lot of things, that Iāve even thought to myself in the past – he felt it at that moment. Because who walks away again and again after making commitment after commitment? Ā Embarrassingly, I admit, I kept going back to him. Believing him. Believing he loved me, wanted to spend his life with me. But he left me 3 times, bailing in commitments he made, leaving me worse off than the time before. Specifically, financially. Truly, over time, I became an emotional mess. I always felt something was off, sensed he was lying to me about things. But could never catch him in anything. Until the last breakup. He got caught in a lie, one that made zero sense to even lie about. Said it was the only time he lied, only to slip up the very next day about another lie he told. So he lied about lying. Two weeks later he dumped me (this was 2 years ago -my post). I had just taken another job, making less pay. Ā I had been looking because I was not happy at my current job. He was influential in this decision. It was fully remote, way better benefits and 401k. He said heād supplement my income until we could buy a house together. Ā And he bailed, less than 2 months later, citing communication problems. My God, Iām rambling. Ā Why would I even want to see him ever again???
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