Dear Elodie,

It sounds as though you and your sister have a very dysfunctional and competitive relationship. Are you very close in age and did this began in childhood? You mention that this began 5 years ago and you were close at the time that she moved to your city, but I wonder if there was always a competitive relationship between you that has escalated with time.

I don’t think your sister is sociopathic or narcissistic, as the previous poster stated, and please be careful with labels, as they do more harm than good. As much as I commiserate with what you described, especially the way your sister thoughtlessly violated your trust, pointing fingers at the other sister is not going to help you both heal. We are hearing just your side of the situation and if we heard her side, maybe we could find a kernel of logic in her outrageous behavior. For example, perhaps your sister was also abused by this uncle, but her way of coping with it was to pretend it never happened. This can be a reaction to abuse, and sometimes the victims of abuse to go out of their way to protect their abuser. I’m not saying that happened; the point is, anything is a possibility. It’s likely there is an un-obvious reason for the way your sister reacted to that news. (For the record, I once confided something very, very personal to my closest friend, and before she even reacted, she ran out of the room and told her boyfriend, who was elsewhere in the house; never have I felt so betrayed in my life, and taken aback at her complete lack of respect and compassion for me. It was the beginning of the breakdown of our trust and we no longer speak. Had she been my sister, I would have worked harder to fix it. Since she was just a friend, I chalked it up to us growing apart.)

What you need to do is visit a counselor together. You mention going to couples counseling with your husband; you need to take this same step with your sister. If she is unreceptive, I’d encourage you do this. As angry as you are with her, sit down and force yourself to make a list of the things you love about her. Spend 20-30 minutes thinking about the good things she’s brought to your life, in order to create a positive mindset. Then, sit down and write her a heartfelt letter. Tell her that it would mean the world to you if she’d attend counseling with her because you love her and are afraid of reaching a point where your relationship is completely unsalvageable.

I’m so sorry for the abuse you’ve endured, and the further trauma caused by a betrayal from someone close to you. I wish you much luck in the healing process. Congratulations on your pregnancy! Best of luck to you.

-dax