Dear Anita,

I can absolutely relate to a lot of what you’ve said here. I think feeling alone and lonely in the presence of my father has now been amplified since his stroke two years ago, so when I care for him, he cannot talk due to his disability and struggles to control his anger, so definitely the child in me sees this threat as all too familiar. Additionally, as I became an adult, my father and I have a much-improved relationship, where he would say things such as ‘I love you’. But I feel that was taken away with this illness of his.

To be honest, I always look back on my upbringing with my mother as positive and loving, so I am not actually sure where these feelings come from of abandonment, if maybe they are there because of the contrast of my mother and father, and not wanted to be separated from my mother. Also, she worked a lot so maybe there were elements of me wanting to see her more. I think I struggle to remember if my mother was upset, if she would withdraw from me, I think in reality, she was more likely to come to me for comfort, which might be where I get the feeling that I need to comfort and protect the care giving women in my life from.

“You wanted to run away from that dreadful experience of feeling so alone.” Yes, definitely. I still feel that urge now, to run away from being alone, which in itself is a paradox for me.

“she also withdrew from you emotionally, and you felt.. acutely alone.” again, I am not sure but this could be the case. I never felt a lack of love from her, but I felt empathetic for her sorrows and hurt that she had suffered, and it made me anxious to not be around her.

“Fast forward, you as an adult, fear these emotional states in the women in your life.” This is absolutely true, I have had several long term relationships in my life, and of the ones of which I was the (seemingly) happiest in, these were the ones who broke up with me out of the blue, when I thought I would spend my life with them.

“changing her hurt, sadness and upset .. into Happy.. so that you are no longer alone.”   This resonates with me a lot, I feel I bring this into a lot of my relationships with women in my adult life. There have been times where I am single, where I crave the validation and attraction of women, because it makes me feel less alone. I definitely crave a close relationship where I’m told how much I am loved and needed.

One more current point I wanted to add, was that now I am dating, I have been on a few dates with nice people, but nothing too serious. I am struggling with self esteem issues. To be completely candid about this, physical attraction is needed for me in a relationship, as well as emotional, and I feel like I am struggling to connect with people whom I find physically attractive. It is making me question my own ‘attractiveness’. I feel very vulnerable admitting this, because I understand it may seem vain, but It seems to trigger something really deep in me, which hurts. But I also understand these things take time, rome wasn’t built in a day. But I wasn’t sure if I was just reaching for validation more than anything. If that makes any sense?

Thank you so much for helping me work through these things. You have no idea how much this helps.

D

Hi both,

Thank you so much for getting back to me.

Anita – you are so right, what you mentioned before about the thoughts of us as children coming up in adulthood has stuck with me and has been so important in my self-work over the last few months since talking with you both. The observation you made is acutely felt for sure. I still am in touch with my ex, and feel the guilt of hurting her still. Just like trying to protect my mother. And as I am a carer for my now disabled Dad, I experience his anger and aggression quite often, due to his breakdown. So those feelings come up a lot. I feel the difficulty I have relaxing, comes from being distant from people, maybe some kind of separation anxiety from my mother as a child. I think that is why I get attached to people quickly when talking on dating apps, I trust strong and independent women (like my mother), almost instantaneously. I am very happy to work on these things with you on here, absolutely. Please let me know what you think would be best to start with?

Teak – Your thoughts are really appreciated. You are right in what you say, the critical voice of my father is now so prominent due to his disability and I find it hard not to feel like I am a child again. Exploring these things with you both would be so worthwhile and I thank you so much for the opportunity.

I hope you’re both well 🙂 and I look forward to working things through with you.

D

Hi Anita,

You are right about being bald, I have had several partners before, but I think it’s a normal self-conscious thing about having great hair etc etc. I shouldn’t focus on this at all. I am not sure how to exactly share images on here, so I’m happy to send them across and see what you think via another route, but I can’t seem to find what I last had on my profile, though thinking about it, if I were to create one right now, I think it would go something like this:

Musician & artist.

Runner, walker and footballer.

Accomplished cook, keen finder of new places to eat and drink.

Bookworm and science fanatic.

Big film and TV fan, especially Christopher Nolan.

Empathetic, compassionate, with a dark sense of humour.

Very close with friends and family.

I guess It might be a bit vague, or not… but I was trying to write it for limited space on a bio like tinder or bumble. Would love to know your thoughts, I’m always a little conscious that I do not want to sound like I am trying to show off.

Dave

Hey Anita,

You’re right, before my dad had a stroke a couple years back, I never realised how impactful a seemingly small fall could be. He’s had several since he was disabled, but this lead to the longest time in hospital. He does try to stay mobile to help with his balance, but the risk is always there.

You are right about the apps, I sometimes feel however that as a man who has gone bald, it is a bit disheartening at the lack of interest on apps, as they are usually based on a small bio and several pictures. But that didn’t stop me in the past, and shouldn’t stop me now.

I would love to hear your ideas for the interviewing? 🙂 Thank you.

All the best,

Dave

Dear Anita & Teak,

Thank you again for your replies. I have been taking some time to care for my sick father, but at the same time, help my ex partner move to her new flat.

Anita – thank you for your advice and for listening. I have been trying to practice the things that have been kind to my heart and mind, but have struggled to find the time. It has been over a week since my ex moved out, and although the anxiety seems to have lessened, it has been replaced with a somewhat low level depressive feeling. I feel this is normal, as I naturally miss her company and living with another person. I feel this may improve with time. Additionally, with health concerns for my father, disputes with my soon to be ex landlord, and some concern on completing the sale of my new flat before having to leave this house, I do still feel unsettled. PS, I’m glad to hear it’s a much more stable temperature for you now 🙂

Teak – You are right, it has felt more like the big change with my ex moving physically out of the house. Over a week now, but like I mentioned to Anita above, my feelings manifest themselves as more depressive, or lonely right now, which I do feel is normal considering the fact that I have never really lived on my own. I thought that maybe things would appear clearer after my ex moved out, but then there is the major hurdle of me moving to my new place, that I would so much love to be done now. I am constantly waiting on solicitors and estate agents to get things done, and they are giving me no assurances that I won’t be homeless come the end of the month. But I am trying not to stress too much.

I feel like I am talking to you both near the end of a difficult time. I think there was always going to be unsettled and stressed feelings ending this relationship and buying a property at the same time, having you here, to discuss these things with, has been so unbelievably helpful. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart, endlessly. Your understanding words, and listening ears are comfort for me.

I hope you are both well and life is treating you kindly?

D

Hi Anita & Teak,

Thank you again for everything, I’ve taken some time to work on some things and am doing quite well.

Anita – I have started to journal and meditate regularly, I’m also reading some great books on mindfulness and depression which are really helping.

Altogether, I am doing quite well. My ex and I are still living together until we can move to new places or find alternative living arrangements. This works OK, although sometimes difficult conversations come up, and boundaries are probably the hardest to stick by, now that our living situation is the same but our relationship is different.

It is almost like we are having a staged separation, still seeing each other in the house, but working on ourselves and our other relationships separately. I do still worry a little that when I move to my new place, I will suffer a delayed reaction and maybe struggle from loneliness, but as we’ve talked about, It is my inner child that worries about being left alone, and worry about the future and the past does cloud the mindfulness in the present, which is exactly why I am working on cultivating mindful practices and enjoying the moment.

I hope you are both well and as always, I really appreciate your supportive words.

D

Dear Anita,

Thank you also for your responses, they are so helpful. I will echo the sentiment that both yours and Teak’s comments are really helping so much right now in this difficult time, I can’t thank you both enough.

Looks to me that you tend to magnify unpleasant/ negative experiences and perceive them as much bigger and worse than they really are. Maybe W’s insults and hurtful comments.. were not really insults or hurtful.

This is really eye-opening to me, it had not occurred to me that I am magnifying these difficult thoughts/scenarios. It may be a habit I have developed over several broken-down relationships, uncomfortable family dynamics as a child, and being susceptible to depression and anxiety. I am admittedly a sensitive person, and I feel emotions very acutely, especially empathy, and I often feel others’ sadness strongly. This has given me so much to think about, to try and control my emphasizing of negative feelings and scenarios.

* I am assuming sex was emotionally painful to you, not physically painful.

In fact, it was more painful for my partner, she struggling to express herself sexual and struggling with feelings of guilt and a lack of physical desire (things she has told me in the past). But due to my openness to sex and sexual expression, I think I struggling with feelings of rejection when my desire for sexual closeness was met with my partner not wanting to, if that makes sense?

– this is all you shared about your childhood. Absent are the sounds you heard as a child: perhaps there were arguments between your parents (before they separated and divorced), maybe angry and loud, maybe angry and quiet, maybe the silence between them was tense and threatening. Maybe you were afraid of their next argument, or the next silence treatment one imposed on the other.. Maybe you walked on egg shells, so to speak, waiting for the other shoe to drop, scared, sometimes angry. Maybe in the silence of the home, alert to every sound, your hearing became acute, each sound magnified, so to prepare for danger to come. This can explain your current magnification of potential threats, threats that often do not materialize (do they?):

This is very interesting, I was too young when my mother and father divorced, but because we lived in another country, my mother raised me for 2 and a half years in the country I live in now and I didn’t really meet my father until I was a little older when he moved closer, my mother informs me that I was very scared and hesitant towards him, and we didn’t form a strong connection. I remember a lot of sadness from my mother, so what you said makes sense – I did not want to cause my mother any further hurt, and my fathers temper and his dislike of children meant I definitely walked on egg-shells around him so as not to make him angry. He would often be very angry at normal child-like things, such as dropping something, or not understanding a difficult concept.

You wrote in regard to living with this woman: “I feel trapped”- trapped as a child perhaps, in the home where you grew up. The child that you were wanted perhaps to take action and run away from home, but he was too scared: (1) he will be so lonely away from home, (2) his mother will be very, very sad if he runs away, and she does not deserve to be hurt.

This really resonates with me, I think I felt trapped between two parents – my mother whom I wanted to make happy and shower with love and prevent from being upset, and my father who I was scared to see but was forced to be with every other weekend, I would often cry whilst at his house as I missed my mother. I definitely wanted to run away from this, and I felt so lonely when away from my mother (1), I always felt acutely sad for my mother when we were with my father and the woman that he had had an affair with when with my mother (2), I could not bare to upset her.

Fast forward more than 20 years: “I..  feel like crying every time I see her in the house, as she does not deserve to be hurt… I feel so sorry for my partner and my feelings make it hard to hold back the tears most days. I am so scared that if I do take action, I would feel so lonely and regretful, but breaking up is also all I’ve thought about for months”.

You have no idea how much this brings home these feelings, the comparison with my mother – the female care giver whom I didn’t want to upset, and my current partner, the now female care giver whom again, I do not want to upset. Knowing these things really is helping in understanding why I am struggling with these matters. Is there anything you would suggest that helps with these feelings? I am trying to cultivate mindfulness and close relationships with friends, but as I mentioned, I feel a little disappointed by my closest nearby friends at the moment. But in a way this gives me the strength and desire to be OK on my own temporarily, to be strong and resiliant.

Thank you again for all your thoughts, reaching out on this platform has been the most helpful thing I have done in a long time.

D

Hi Teak,

Thank you also for your reply, your words are eternally helpful and thank you for listening.

You are completely right with your comments, it sometimes just needs someone to say it back to us to really understand the situation. I was terrified of another confrontation, but like I mentioned in my reply to Anita, I actually brought up the subject the other day with my concerns for the relationship, which I was met with less hurtful comments, but with a suggestion to live separately to try to resolve issues.

You are right, the fear of being on my own is definitely a theme for me, I had a difficult time with a divorced mum and dad as a kid – a mother who was very comforting and loving, and a father who was very distant emotionally and tough on me – I feel that may have taught me some lessons about attaching to people who care about me and trying not to leave them. You are right that I believe those things that she said to me, that I “won’t find someone who loves me like that” or that “I won’t be able to manage on my own”. But I have stronger and stronger feelings that I want to trust myself, and understand that it will be hard but I need to do this for me, and believe in myself.

When she mentioned living apart, it makes me feel less anxious that she wouldn’t have anywhere to live, as it’s clear we both would find somewhere. But I approach two of my best friends who have a spare room across town, but they aren’t willing to let me sleep in it for 6 weeks or so (as I have a flat that I’ve bought, that should hopefully be good to go in the next couple of months). But this just plays on the theme or feeling lost and lonely, that my best friends wouldn’t help me out temporarily. But I know I shouldn’t take it so personally.

Sorry for ranting on, but your replies and your thoughts are so so helpful. Thank you