Thank you so much for your incredibly helpful replies. I would like to clarify on my wording. I meant handling my situation with my husband, but maybe I should listen to my thoughts better and see if my mind was wishing it could handle something I can’t control, huh!

Ruminant, you make a good point about the flirting. While our counselor felt like his flirting (that has happened since we first had my son) is a result of my husband’s self esteem issues, it never occurred to me that it may also be related to me feeling like he is so caught up in his own perspective that it makes me feel like he doesn’t care how it looks in my eyes -thus not care about my feelings. It may not help that he has ADD, because things that require mindfulness, consistency, or effort are not generally his strengths….other than his job, which he excels at. As a mindfulness newbie, this is all really teaching me a lot about myself and my husband. But it also isn’t helpful when he accuses me of “twisting things” when I explain how I feel.

I think I stay in my room for a few reasons,& maybe you can offer suggestions. It’s typically gone one of two ways when we have differences….there’s either constant sarcasm or he wants to hang out and be “nice”about little things like the weather. But when I come out then he’ll never resolve things because I feel like he thinks things are back to “normal.” I never thought about the possibility that my staying in my may be passive aggressive, so I’m going to watch myself on that…thank you for your honesty.

Mike, great points too. In the past, that was probably how we interacted…and we didn’t even know that wasn’t how everyone interacts. We’ve really just started trying to learn empathetic listening last year. I try practicing all those tips from the articles on self soothing, meditation, distraction, equanimity, etc. Ijust started using a great CBT Diary app by Excel At Life and a Track a Trigger app that helps me be more mindful, rational, find the positive & put things in perspective. I’ve complied a great list of mantras and tips I go to when I feel vulnerable, and my family says they notice a big difference.

But after a week or more of my husband pushing my buttons, I finally let it get to me when I’m vulnerable and I give in and lose my cool. I’m trying not to beat myself up and be grateful for the incredible progress I’m making and the strength I’ve shown, but it just runs me down no matter how much I practice all my happiness tools and try to retain equanimity non-stop for days. After repeatedly going thru a week or more of this, I’ve gotten to where i just want to end it with divorce. Ironically, when I tell him that, suddenly he decides to make the effort and becomes the “perfect” husband and communicatorfor a while. It’s become a predictable cycle, and I don’t know how to stop it or lessen it. The first few times, I was better at staying mindful,talking and resolving things. But now that it’s become a regular occurrence where he stonewalls for a week or more, I think I’m losing my desire to remain mindful as it approaches a week or more and I just want to give up and end it with divorce. Ironically, he’s suddenly ready to talk rationally after I start talking divorce. But by time he finally makes that effort to talk, I feel anger, bitter,and resentment, and it’s hard to just drop a week of badgering, soften my heart, and want to just jump in and resolve things right away after waiting a week or more. I feel like I come into this mindful and ready to resolve things, and try and try and try, and then after a days of feeling ignored and/or being badgered, I start giving up on trying. Maybe it’s because I’m not letting go of an attachment to expectations that I’d desire that he get better at not resorting to stonewalling and button pushing, but I guess I need to figure out what that is showing me about myself and remember to focus on what I can control…taking unconditional responsibility for myself and determine if any of my actions play a role in these issues. That’s a hard one for me. It is hard to resist my mind’s urge to make him wait “so he can see how it feels” to be stonewalled, but trying to remember who I want to be and align my behaviour with those values as best I can. This is all a learning process, but I clearly have a lot more learning in this mindfulness journey. It’s SO hard sometimes, but I know it’ll be with it in the long run.

Does anyone have suggestions for how I can keep equanimity after a week of continuous avoidance and button pushing? I’ve learned to do it for days, but darn if it can’t catch me off guard when I’m vulnerable! Meanwhile, I think I’m going to look back on our texts and my journal entries and take another good honest look to evaluate my role in this.

Thank you do much for your wise words. 🙂

• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.