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LalehParticipantHi dear,
Ok, I am just going to say this out loud and hope you think about it. I do not think you are in love with him. I do think that you are in love with the memory and the impression you had from him when you met him. I have been in a similar kinda situation before, but didn’t esculate this far. I read between your words that you do know what you want and you do know what to do, you are just not strong enough to do it.You are not in love with him, you are addicted to him. It is exactly like being addicted to alcohol, imagine it. An alcoholic can not think about anything other than alcohol until they have it. Do you really feel JOY when you are with him? Pay attention next time and see even when things are ok, do you feel peace? Do you feel joy in your heart, or you just feel ok I can breathe now and you are just ok.
You are coming to the point that you have realized your problem and you know yourself pretty well as well, which is great. And asking others over and over to what to do might just take you around circles. I do not believe that you have to pass certain time to get over someone either. Sometimes you just read something, or hear something, and right there, you feel lighter.
So, you are still quite young, and seem like you have learned this past five years. So I don’t think you are as weak as you were 5 years ago when you couldn’t let him go.
You just need to find something that really shakes you off of him, and opens your eyes. I am sorry hunny but no matter what you say, I don’t think this guy is in love with you.He might think he loves you, I am not sure, but when a guy meets his ONE he wont see anything else around him, his world evovllves around that girl. It’s different with us girls, we have agendas, we get obsessed.
I think you already knew your answer before you wrote this, and you are looking for some help to pump up your strenght break this pattern of yours. The fear of not being able to find anyone like him is useless, because you do not have him right now. Are you happy? no, then do you prefer this to being alone and like yourself and have self respect ? Would like to be left alone in the house with two kids, and wonder where your husband is late at night? Imagine that, and be happy that you are not gonna be part of that community of women that MAKE a guy to marry then, only to be left alone with kids. It is a lot harder to find dates with kids I think.
You do know how it should have started from the beginning as you said. Go deep and see what your heart is telling you. Until you find your own worth, a guy will not find it for you. I have learned this lesson in a hard way.
can recommend so many books to you to help, but one that comes to mind when made me learn how to make decisions from love and not fear, is RETURN TO LOVE, by Marian Williamson. Read it, you will know what to do after.
Make your decision out of love, faith, and not fear. No good comes out of fear.
Hope this helps. I am here for more strength if oyu needed .
Love
Danubelle
http://www.danubelle.comLalehParticipantPeople don’t change unless they want to. You can not make a guy to do something, he might do it temporarily but in the long run he would be the same person if he doesn’t feel it himself.
I do believe in your heart you know what you want to do, and your ego is guilting you into doing it. DO what your heart is telling you to do, and not other people. If you are asking others and not stopping it means you are not satisfied with the answers. What is the answer you are hoping to hear? That’s the one.
Trust yourself. If you feel something is wrong, it probably is. I know the feeling of not being a priority in mans life, remember if you are his priority he will come after you later. I can’t tell you what to do, even though it might be obvious to me and I might have an opinion, but you have to decided that yourself, I can tell you the best way to know what your heart wants, is that you will feel the PEACE in your heart when you make that decision.. SHOULD is a crappy word that ego likes. You have to be selfish to be able to be selfless later remember that. I just wrote about making decisions today it’s funny.
One quick way to know your heart; Flip a coin, and see how you feel about it 🙂Love
Danubelle
http://www.danubelle.comLalehParticipantHi Laura,
thank you so much for the insights. I do agree with some parts of your message. But i have to mention something, I am feeling much better right now, after I started to manage to seperate my ego from my true self, because I realized it was my ego that was trying to control the outcome and controling someone else. Anyways, I have realized that although I had a great time with him during that time, and it needed to be left at that for now or forever I am not sure yet, but the bottom line is, it is not about him, I never wanted a long distance anyways, and I only started with him because I was planning to be in nyc soon. Universe has its own reasons, and I have to have faith, I can not control other people’s actions, I still think he was a nice guy, he was very sweet to me, and I might be upset not having him around, and I might not do it the way he did, but I might understand why. It doesn’t really matter I guess. If he was meant to be with me he would have.
As for you, to be honest I see a lot of anger in your message, hence the one year and haven’t been able to move on. Once I started to seperate my ego from myself and my pain I was able to feel better and move on. I think you are talking with your ego here, and still connected to it, that is why you are a bit judgmental in your words about guys. I know I was too at first, but you have to see it’s not really about them is it? I can get super angry in one second right now if i think with my ego and say; how dare he do this to me, how rude, how emmature, he has to answer to me, he has an obligation, etc. But that is my ego, and all it does it upsets ME and not anyone else, as you said, you messsaging him only made you upset and not him. I do agree with all you said, but that is at first when you are upset, then I go to the next faze that I put my ego aside. My true self knows that deep down universe gives me what I need. It’s not about him. So I think you have to see it like I am seeing it now( I know I go up and down a lot but this has been helping me to see clearly recently) everyone has their own issues, he has them too, so he is probably dealing with whatever stage he is at in his life, we can judge them all we want, but the fact is I know that in my part I actually have done similar things to guys way in the past, that decided to leave them without consulting with them at all. Of course I was young and selfish, but my point is people need to learn their own life lessons it’s not our job to teach them, all we can do is to take care of ourselves and if they are not suppose to be part of our lives we will stay away from them.
Thanks again for the insignts 🙂 I hope I helped a little as well
Love
DanubelleLalehParticipantThanks Hurtone,
I can tell you are real hurt. Yes, I am hoping that i am passed that shaky stage, as I told rbcrbc, I feel good now that i didn’t message him, as she said; he probably saw it the best way for me and for himself to leave it like this, I am not angry at him anymore, I just miss him a lot, but as she said, it’s more about me than him. If by any chance he thought I was getting too attached or clingy with those couple of messages I sent back then, this leaving it alone makes me feel a lot better about it as well, I do not want to confirm that judgement if that was the case. Anyhow, I have to confess though to both of you, I would have preferred that he would contact me and apologize and etc. But then I started to imagine it and I felt, do I really want that? What if he did do that, what am I gonna do with it now? I am not in NYC, and he is not gonna fix other issues I have right now in my life, do I really want him to see me like this, while I am waiting to get my life back on track? The answer was no. Every time something “bad” happens to us, once we snap out of the emotions and the hurt, we see that someone above was looking out for us.
Thanks again!
Love
DanubelleLalehParticipantI just wanted to let you know, I am doing much better, your comments helped me a lot to see more clearly and not feel guilty about not contacting him, I now have come to this feeling that even though I miss him like crazy and I would have loved to be with him, I am not in a condition to be with anyone right now, maybe on some level I made this happen, If we are meant to crosspass again we will when we re both in a different situation in our lives, but I had a great time with him, and I have to let him go at that. It’s only my ego when it pops in that gets angry and etc. my real self knows this was for the best right now. Timing of the universe is always better.
Thanks guys
Love
DanubelleLalehParticipantI am rereading your post again rbc, and trying to figure out and understand him, but the fact is that i have been doing that for couple of months now, and no matter how much I KNOW it’s all a guess. Online was an online site that I knew he went to meet people, and he has been on it pretty much everyday, so I stopped checking (and FYI he was checking me out few times as well ) There were other ways that I could see if he is ok or no, and he’s been fine as far as I can tell. to answer to your questions by the way We dated for couple of months, but it was weird, because felt like we’ve been dating for a year, we were so much alike and so familiar with each other’s routine, it felt like we were an old couple. We were perfect I should say. And he knew it. he couldn’t wait to text me when I left him, he was always eager to see me, and he was treating me like a princess. these memories make it very hard. And as soon as I feel like am making progress, I wake up in the morning like today having to dreamt about him all night. I know this sounds like a teeager, but am a 34 yr old woman, having to gotten hurt a lot in my life, and dated lot of idiots, and this one felt different, I really felt like he might be the one I’e been looking for. I’ve been divorced for 4 years now and after dating on and off, I think I am finally ready to be in a serious relationship and I can tell who is playing who is not on the first date. Anyways, I feel really powerless in this situation, because I hate it when someone misunderstands me, to answer to you about understanding why he did this; I feel like those few days that i went through a dramatic experience at the border and my plans falling apart, I was a bit vurlanble, and of course I sent couple of message to him as I said, which was more than usual, so I feel that he thought I am getting attached, and I am not gonna be in NYC soon anymore, so what is the point. I don’t low, the point is , you can think whatever you want, but these are all guesses, and I have to live with these for the rest of my life. If he doesnt come back. I think the reason I can’t message him and something is holding me back is that I feel like he might come back later on. I do’t know really, I dont even know why I can’t send him a message. I am not clear at all why I feel this way and how this whole thing is going to turn out. All I want is not to remember him anymore and feel better and get closure and move on. I need to be in power again, I feel hopeless. and when I do feel powerful I want to send him an angry message and tell him off. which goes away after few minutes.
Anyways,
Thanks again,
feedbacks appreciated, and I will let you know about my progress
love
danubelleLalehParticipantI know, I kinda agree with you , that is why I never contacted him, but just to clarify he never said he is not looking for serious, if he had I would have walked away right there, we talked on the first date and I told him I am not looking to goof around I am looking to properly date and he said the same thing. The only thing he said that he wanted to take it slow, because his experience says rushing usually ruins things, and he doesn’t want to screw things up. Unless he was lying, but if he had said he is not looking for serious I would have walked away. I have been trying to understand why he behaved that way, because he was such a nice guy, and I wasn’t expecting a cowardly behaviour like this, and to me it was not mature enough, we are both adults. I just feel quite disrespected, and the reason I thought maybe I should contact( which for some reason I can’t do it) is to get closure, just to say what I think and let it go. Because as of right now, he thinks he got away with it, and I have a little hope that he might come back later on. Thanks for the advice.
I think the pain of getting a bad answer is holding me back to contact. So I’m gonna try to get closure without it. I was just hoping someone could tell me a good way to get closure without contacting.
Thanks for the nice words as well. I do agree with out. This guy was such a nice guy that is why it is so hard to let go and stomach what he did.LalehParticipantThanks Maria for responding,
It has been around 1.5 month! I have thought about doing that 100 times, but something is holding me back from messaging him. I agree about having time and understanding, I’ve been working on that during this time, but I realized, his memory keeps coming back to me and I haven’t had closure, I don’t know why, maybe I am scared to get a bad answer, maybe I don’t want to face the truth, but something strongly is holding me back from contacting him, I was hoping to move on without doing that, I don’t know why I feel like I have to wait, it feels like a time of non action. Like when I am myself and calm and, I am happy that I didn’t contact him and I think it feels right not to, but when I start rememebring him and our times together, or how he left things, my ego pops in and I get upset and angry and I want to message. So I am hoping something other than contacting would help me move on, because I feel like my ego wants to message not the real me.
Thanks again for the thoughts 🙂LalehParticipantANyone there? 🙂 guys I need suggestions, should I message him and tell him how I feel and then maybe I could let it go? It does sound stupid, but somehting keeps telling me to wait.
LalehParticipantI have been going last couple of days through the same thing, I know i have to do something about it but dont know what, mine is not that old, I’ve been avoiding sending the message to say how he shouldn’t have left thigns that way and I am hurt and a decency would have be nice to end things, but something has been holding me back. I was trying to let it go, and just didn’t feel like bringing myself down and ask for explanation, and left it to the universe, but seems like I can not get closure from it, it feels inside I need to let it out or do something to get closure. I think closure in these situations are more important, I was far more happier with the jerks I dated that ended horribly with an argument, instead of this “nice” guy that just left and disappeared with no explanation. Yes work has to be done and i feel for you. It is ver hard to cut someone’s energy and soul out of yourself without an answer.
Love
DanubelleLalehParticipantHi Straight..I’ve been thinking about what you said all day, I felt that you hit a point there, but I can’t seem to figure out a direction of it, I think the wave of emotions from the heartbreak I’ve had keeps coming and keeps me at times to be able to be in the present moment, I am still (not as much but still) dueling with how he just stopped contacting me with no explanation and that has put a big shadow over my life right now, I’ve been trying to get over it, and make plans and etc. but I realized today, it has effected me more than I thought. I use to be very good at bouncing back up when life brought me down, but this time I feel like I just have to wait, does that make sense at all? not matter what I “think” I should do, something is just holding me back from taking any sort of action, for example this is the first time in my life, I didn’t even try to contact the guy to ask what is going on why haven’t I heard from you, although I had every right to do so, and everyone of my friends told me you should demand explonation, but something just holds me back, this is not me at all, I use to be a person getting answer from people weather they wanted it or not, pretty pushy and a control freak as a matter of fact. But now I even tried to push myself to contact him, I just can not. I am just sad altogether. And is keeping from moving on and not feeling so little. I wish I could get closure without contacting him, but it’s been more than a month. and no amount of meditsting, reading and asking others, has helped. The feeling of nonaction is quite high in me and is not helping y situation. job or other parts of life right now. Wish i knew what I was suppose to do.
thanks again
love
danubelleLalehParticipantI totally agree with Jeff! I think you should never ignore what is popping up , maybe you do have unfinished business with them.
LalehParticipantThank you for the insights. I know what you are saying, about NYC. I belong in NYC, that is the long stroy short, so that is how clear i am that I want to live there. And it happened exactly a year ago when I went for a visit, not for anyone else, not for materialistic reasons or accomplishments(that’s a different issue) Just because I knew I had to. If you are a spiritual person you would know what I mean.
As a spiritual person we all know that signs are more than signs, there is no such thing as coincidences, and it’s universe’s way of talking to us. Believe me, it would have been a lot easier if I thought I dont have to go to NYC and stay in Toronto and get a job here, and I would have been ok if I had seen a glimpse of that nudge from universe. But no, it is obvious my heart is set and clear.
I am clear about what i want, but I am not clear how, that is the issue. I know the HOW has to come from having faith and letting universe handle it, but I am such a doer, and not a sitter, so it’s hard for me just not do anything about it. And my life situation is in need of emergency fixing, since i have no job and staying with relatives, so this way of having faith, would not be very practical 🙂
But you might have a point there after all, a direction might help. And very good point about the foundation, the thing about NYC is, I was trying to make up reasons for it, I like the city, I want my career to advance, (and last time it didn’t happen I was confused because i was really rushing it to be with a guy ! that disappeared on me ) But I realized after all the soul searching and trying to find my intention that, I just simply feel that I need to be in NYC, you know what i mean? I simply belong there. I don’t hate Toronto, and i am not running away form anything, I have been living in different cities a lot, and I finally felt at home when I went to NYC. I know that is not about being happy and bring happiness or everything else, I just think this is my first clue, and I will get directed after I go as well.
I do have a certain vision in mind to what to do in NYC and where I want to work, and even which street I want to live at, but those are just details I guess. Last time I tried, I did have a strong intention, cause I was seeing the guy I fell for, and had a strong desire to be with him, but then as soon as I accepted it and made plans to go, unsettling feelings, and guilt and feeling of I’m doing this for the wrong reasons came to me and sure enough it fell apart in a bad way.
So you might hit a point there.
I might be still in a sad state and not totally over what happened to me, so not quite clear in my mind and in the moment at time to see what is infront of me. Having to miss the guy I was with (that disappeared on me with no explanation when my NYC plans fell through)has had quite an impact on me. I’ve started to let it go, but it still comes back at least once a day to upset me.
I will try to find a strong foundation for my desire and put out map, maybe it works. I might be trying too hard in my mind.
Thanks again
Love
Danubelle
http://www.danubelle.comLalehParticipantHi,
Your story seems quite confusing, so you are married, but you decided to get out with an ex boyfriend is that it? Or is this the same guy you are married to? Or is this the family member? Regardless seems like this guy has grown to a different person and so are you, and you are trying to go backwards, because you are not happy in your current situation, so you think you can feel better by going down memory lane.
But you have to remember, that is only a memory now, NOTHING ELSE. The past is the past and does not exist anymore. If you want to be happy in present you have to deal with your present life, instead of looking to your past memories for a temporary fix.I would say, find the reason for your current troubles and see if what would make you happy right now. I don’t know details about your life so it’s hard to give opinion but this is all I can say for now 🙂
Love
Danubelle
http://www.danubelle.comLalehParticipantHi Elizabeth,
I know how you feel, I’ve been down that road many time, and right now I’m pulling myself back up again. First thing I want to say is that remember, everyone goes through these ups and downs in life, nothing is permanent, people have good days, bad days, good years, bad years, good decades, bad decades. So this is what we have to go through to learn our life lessons, even the most successful people in the world, have good days and bad days. So first you have to forgive yourself for it. Everyone starts to eat a lot when they are at school, i did too, because it helps for our brain to function faster, carbs help us to stay up all night to finish projects. So forgive yourself for it. And try to see it as an exciting new begging. You accomplished a great thing graduating from university.Getting out of school for lot of us is very scary, because you don’t know what is going to happen. But this your task now, learning to be ok with uncertainty, glad that you have a home to stay and have your mother by yourside while you take care of yourself.
Then, try to remember what made feel good doing back then, did you do anytying that gave you joy? Do that, just to feel good, don’t wait for results, just do what makes you feel joy in your heart. I can hear from your heart, that you really do want to take care of yourself, and you are perhaps tired. So don’t give too much power to the ego that has taken over you. I know how it feels to be drained and tired. So allow yourself just to do nothing, only do things that make you feel goo d about yourself. If you don’t want to hang out with your friends, who cares. Maybe you need time to get back on track, when you are ready to face others you will.
See what would make you very happy right now and give you the nudge you need. One step at a time. Start easy and give yourself permission to enjoy not being a student for a while. Student life is hard, it drains everyone, so when we get out, you have no energy to deal with anything. I made a huge mistake of looking for job right away, I realized i should have given myself a month vacation no matter how hard it was financially, so I could rejuvenate. You need energy to get back to the real life.
Do that, you need to rejuvenate, that’s all.
About your mother, I really hope the results are good, and if she is sick god forbid, she has a wonderful daughter beside her… Remember, giving is always the best medicine in our lives, makes you feel better not matter what. Maybe your job right now is to take care of her. You can see that as a motivation to get healthier.Hope this helps, I’m here if you need to talk more 🙂
Love
Danubelle
http://www.danubelle.com -
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 