@Jay2023

Jay mate, I know you addressed Sammy but reading your last post, let me tell you anything is achievable with the right mind-set. Once you believe in the concept of positive manifestation, you can move forward in so many ways.

First thing first bro, if you want to really heal it’s time to make the cut. Maybe in the future you can contact her again when you realise why it all happened and be amiable and friendly. But right now you need to stay strong, and keep away from following her on SM, messaging her and adhere to no contact. You’ve already had “the talk” she made it clear you weren’t on the same page. So don’t get stuck.

I think you learning to NOT compare yourself to your siblings or others is a perfect place you can begin your self loving journey.

Tell yourself everyone has their own timing. Society has fed us this pipe dream, pressurised us so much that we end up believing if we don’t have the house, kid, partner by age X then we are somehow a failure.

Once you decide to live by your own values, be authentic to who you are, that is what will make you fulfilled and content.

So who are you? What are your values? How do you want to be remembered? Do you really have a strong sense of self if not discover yourself first. Dislikes, likes, what components represent you and your beliefs.
Then you begin to look at what you want, what do you need in a partnership? Do you offer that to yourself? If no, improve it. If yes, value it in yourself, so you seek better and don’t accept less.

You could do what I did start from scratch. I showed courage and compassion and went back to some exes (A,B,C) and my ex best mate, had honest frank conversations about my feelings. How they made me feel, I had suppressed the pain I felt as well as the pain I caused. I let go of the bitterness, I asked for forgiveness from those I wronged, I made amends to the people I hurt,  not by just saying sorry but actively proving it to them. Words come easy, taking action and stepping up is real courage. I stopped blaming myself and shaming myself. I self forgave and taught myself to be kinder to me. God my soul felt good. Then I shone, I did my best to be the best and show the good others saw in me. I won back the loml- someone I never knew I could love this much.

It came from maturing, valuing real qualities over physical intimacy and attraction. I build our castle on strong foundations by changing my patterns,behaviour etc. I am genuinely the happiest man right now. If it all goes pear shaped, then I know I will have no regrets. Thats what life is living with no excuses, no regrets.

Happiness can’t be found in an object,a person or place it is found inside us. Our souls feel better when we reconnect with who we are rather than who we are pretending to be.

Authenticness and strengthening emotional intelligence so you are equipped to deal and cope with problems which inevitably arise is the key.

‘B’ and are the same but also very different. For example we both are very romantic, heart on sleeve. She was authentic to that. I was running from my softer side due toxic masculinity.

My morals were slightly different but we compromised for one another whilst agreeing on the crucial ones; loyalty,no cheating etc

Bro , 35 is not too late for anything. Its never too late as long as you’re living. Go find a woman who is mad about you and wants to grow old with you, wants to accept all of you. The ones who play hard to get, keep you on edge, entice the chase will keep playing you because they don’t know who they are either or what they want. You grow tired of sucked up in games and spewed out when they get bored.

@NBC

I have a long weekend off so thought I’d respond before I get busy. I was going to write a response to your first question but I feel it would only be regurgitating what I’ve posted before. If you scroll back you will see the process involved in me realising ‘B’ was the one all along.

Now your situation with your B involved a different set of circumstances. My ‘B’ the type of person she is would not have got involved with me let alone taken me back, if she had met me if I was married.

She has a strong moral compass, is very compassionate, understanding but knows her worth and sticks to her core principles and values. She would not entertain that.

Despite my drawbacks after A’s betrayal believe it or not I would never cheat, I’d never look for another woman whilst married or in a committed relationship even if it was crumbling. I’m traditional and loyal in that sense. So in many ways we are a match.

So do I see you B having a growth, taking accountabilty and having an epiphany you were the one? In all honesty after your latest encounter it proves very unlikely, old habits die hard. He’s unlikely to change at this age. I think it’s time to let go and move on for good.

I’m quite impressed with Sammy’s intuitiveness, I’ll admit when I first joined this thread, Her voice was one I muted because it was hard to face what she wrote – the hard truths without fluffing it up too much. However it has really helped me grow. Pushed me to reach a stronger place quicker. I hope in time you reflect on some of it again and gain a different insight.

Your path is yours to take, whichever road you take i wish you the best of luck. I hope you heal from this chapter to find what you deserve, which is definitely more than what your B offered.

Work on your self worth, look into OCD, I think there’s an element of obsessive thinking involved because 5 years is a very long time to still be trying to figure him out. I hope the meeting gave you clarity to move forward and you’ve garnered enough insight to realise what a healthy relationship entails.

@NBC

I said that because I know how ruthless “men” can be. I’ve witnessed some dire behaviour from my old mates.

A man when he contacts you can out of boredom, to feed his ego. So you need to have your wits about you and not get sucked in and blinded by your lingering feelings should he make contact.

This man hasn’t sincerely apologised to you or taken accountability so I wouldn’t trust him so readily.

Did he push away because he had counted on sex and it didn’t happen so he lost interest?

That is a possibility considering you mentioned he said he did not want to marry again. So he ruled out commitment early on. (I’m assuming you wanted that level of commitment at least one day?) That means he obviously wanted a casual affair. Men lose interest quickly if no sex is offered.

If he was decent, back then he may have realised you were marriage material (not necessarily for him but generally especially if you are monogamous) so he backed off and didn’t want to treat you as casual fling out of respect or knew you wouldn’t give up the goods. Like I said no one but he knows.

You’re not over him that’s clear as day. Your process is your own but i hope you stop analysing sooner rather than later.  One day you’ll look back and kick yourself for wasting 5 years of keeping interest alive in this man.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Danny.

@NBC sorry mate about the delay, I’ve been incredibly busy. I had a read and it is great you seized the opportunity to finally seek answers and gain some closure for yourself.

No offense but searching up and simulating prompts into why he put ‘love’ instead of ‘live’ in his response is a tad obsessive? Don’t do that to yourself! It’s a slippery slope.

I think although you state you are over him, I can sense you are still looking for some glimmer of hope. That may be more to do with the feeling of rejection than actually wanting to reconcile though.

Before I offer my perspective I’ll just state, when a man decides he really wants a woman he will move mountains to be with her. I did for ‘B’ and she rightly only took me back when I proved through my actions I was serious.
In any relationship that’s what you should demand, have the self respect and worth to know you deserve more than breadcrumbs. Men will respect you more.

I can’t fault Sammy’s insight, it is on the money mostly.

In ref to the points you wanted a male perspective on. I’m probably going to break bro code here but here goes.

A reason maybe this didn’t work out is the physical attraction wasn’t there for him. Men are visual so unfortunately unless mature and evolved most men prioritise this aspect. But if he was very hands on with you , flirting and chemistry present then I doubt this is the reason. It would take an unhinged person to fake all that just for sex.

But that brings me to my next point, if physical or sexual attraction is present then underdeveloped males can be incredibly fickle and can lose interest quickly if sex isn’t on the table for them as they know woman at this stage have the power. So that could be one reason he lost interest.

I’m not saying give sex to a guy, quite the opposite the fact you didn’t have sex is actually a good thing. I know I respect a woman more when she isn’t easy and is selective but if a man only has that as his goal for you he will definitely lose interest fast! Sad facts!

I doubt he thought you were promiscuous, you didn’t even have sex. However, he may think that about you out of anger or feel not enough himself if you are very attractive and he is insecure. I.e. Old Danny conjured up all sorts of negative false scenarios. I at one point believed egged on by the lads, ‘B’ was cockteasing and playing me.

I’m not supporting his actions, what he did was wrong but I personally think if you want a deeper understanding of men, reducing it down to “he just wasn’t into you” will not help.  Men have emotions sometimes due to our lack of emotional regulation and intelligence we mess up.

Just to give you some insight you will be shocked at how often us men appear outwardly confident but are actually deeply insecure. We often want the emotional connection and to also feel safe. However because we are not accustomed to that support when we get it, we feel internally something is off.

I believe you two experienced that emotional connect and that isn’t easy to achieve. He probably can’t see it yet but trust me he will one day.

Instead typically what has played out is the woman who is good and offers emotional support, somehow attraction becomes dampened because we feel emasculated further.

These type of men often are very attentive and kind but always end up wanting a woman who treats them mean or aggressively. However they are never happy, take note this has NOTHING to do with you , but deep seated issues either in form of mummy issues or from previous relationship experience.

I was one of them types, but Sammy is right unfortunately not many men are willing to change or look inwardly. If you try to be with them thinking you’ll change them let me tell you, you’ll always lose.

You were always going to lose, it is clear as day your B hasn’t grown, he offered no real accountability.

The fact he met you although no consolation does mean he likes you. Maybe he thought you were marriage material and he wanted casual flings as distraction. Who knows?!

Him mentioning he has a girlfriend may be the truth and he wanted to avoid awkwardness, on the flip side it can also be game playing to see if it evokes jealousy and to get you to admit any remaining feelings first, form of control. It is what insecurity does to you. You constantly feel the need to protect oneself or have the upper hand. Childish really, but not beyond a man if he’s insecure.

If he is thinking you are under his spell he will no doubt get an ego boost. Women are often desired but men on the other hand face rejection a heck of a lot more. So often men who need this kind of validation keep options or women on back-burner when down on their luck.

Which brings me to the next point you were most likely an option.

That is what you need to be wary of. If he has a change of heart, be sure it’s because he wants a serious commitment.

Not many men do what I did, I only contacted and reinserted myself in ‘B’s’ life when I was sure of what I needed and wanted and who i was. It took a lot of growth.

You seem to have got a lot out of it,  so it is heartening to see he hasn’t destroyed your faith in men entirely. Although no sex took place let me tell you as men we are very deprived of being able to open up and feel heard. We don’t have what you women have. So even though you didn’t get the relationship let me reassure you the reason why he remembers you is because you touched him emotionally, that can be better than sex!

Who he is with or what he is doing is no longer your concern. Don’t put your energy into those thoughts, re focus on your own needs and find your next adventure.

I think most women whilst us men are avoiding the truth, look inwardly very much like Sammy has. There comes a point they have grown so much they don’t look back and want much better for themselves. I only got ‘B’ because I proved through my actions I was better version.

You don’t need to wish for a fixer upper, you can go out and get the finished product!

He clearly has a lot of soul searching needed but I wouldn’t count on it happening. The issues in his relationships caused by him are not just applicable to his relationship but in his life as a whole. Until he sees that and cuts out the things harming him he will never change.

My honest advice to you is the lack of accountability is your answer. He said sorry (people pleasing) but didn’t take ownership of his actions and address that himself. Move forward and live a fulfilled life.

He will continue to avoid his issues like most men and even if he is in a new relationship, sooner or later it will crack. You can run but not hide forever from your demons.

Final point, us men are actually very visual so we are more likely to fall in love at first sight (infatuation) real love i have learned is never a rapid flame or sparks, it is a slow burn. I didn’t even realise I was falling in love with ‘B’ in the first 6 months until one casual day I realised I really love this woman and who I am with her, I found myself instinctively caring about her wanting to be her shoulder to lean on etc (see my previous posts).

@Sammy good to hear from you mate. No news from my homie @Kkasxo, I do hope Covid hasn’t taken its toll!

Thanks for the appreciation! Men rarely hear it but I’m learning to accept it ever since being with ‘B’ – one of the things I now love the most she isn’t afraid to express her appreciation of me and reaffirm my achievements.

I have a good vibe about this new relationship for you. You’ve done the self work mate that’s the hardest part now reap the rewards and continue building on that, don’t let fears undo it all.

I think with your new potential the desire is definitely there especially if you are feeling you can’t keep your hands off him. Feeling that feeling again is exciting in itself!

Sometimes what we need has always been right there but we avoid realising it due to our reinforced toxic relationship patterns. It often takes real self healing and inner work to realise what is good for us. So I don’t find it strange at all that you see him now as potential romantically.

I’d take the delayed gratification approach which will help you both develop a bond or union that’s based on a stronger foundation not lust. By that I don’t mean be cruel, work him up and blow him off to test him but explain your concerns that you want to be exclusive (giving him security you are serious) pbut slow so you don’t crash and burn, if a man is serious in return he will understand and work with you. Not rush or push you. That will naturally heighten the original attraction itself ten folds because you’ll both know where you stand (no anxiety ruining it) and you’ll just focus on the moments and naturally growing the relationship together.

Slow and steady really does win the race. For me it’s been an excellent exercise in self control!

I got to return to work but thought I’d give you a quick reply. Go for it!

Well there’s a very fine line between being friends and being lovers and that is: sexual chemistry. If you don’t feel the sexual desire then you simply don’t. That’s normal, we are not all attracted to one another.

Although your Christian friend and you have a very strong foundation for a solid relationship you are missing a key element. You don’t have intimacy in some form whether that’s kissing or bumping uglies because that sexual urge or attraction for one another is lacking. Which is a shame! But it is what it is. You got to keep it 💯

With ‘B’ I have always felt a sexual desire even over other mediums and boy in person I couldn’t keep my hands off her. The issue for me was not being able to act on it fully because of her beliefs.

I contorted this in my mind due to insecurities and projected in a cruel manner. With maturity I see it for what it is a difference in that particular value and a need to compromise.

I was very much the all or nothing type too, believing in sparks – I thought based on my past relationship, without the home run or full physical side I wouldn’t develop a deep romantic attraction for someone.

I was wrong though. Romantic attraction requires time and work, continuous work. That’s what keeps the relationship 🔥

The connection and current levels of intimacy I share with ‘B’ is wonderful, with her I experience it on all levels; spiritually, intellectually, physically and emotionally. This no doubt will translate into the final physical act when the time comes.

This investment in this connection took a lot of reflection and growth to achieve. So don’t get caught up in this notion that my relationship appears as it is stuff of romantic fairy tales and all butterflies and rainbows.

It was very challenging and required patience and compromise. I honestly believe it was worth it all.

I don’t need to imagine if there’s someone better out there, I hurt her a lot after the initial 6 months or so. So I chose only to contact her once I had a new outlook, knew I was not going to ever feel GIG effect of what I’m “missing out” on and to be honest she was special, I always knew that from the way she saved me from drowning in darkness. ‘B’ is all I need i was just immature and hurt from my prev relationship to see it.

It’s quality over quantity, ‘B’ and I had a situationship from Summer 19 to just before Xmas 19. I took about 4 months to sort my shit out properly after breaking up with C so approached B in Nov 20 almost a year later and we’ve been together since. So a total of 9/10 months together.

No I don’t have doubts about choosing to marry her because I knew to be with her it would need to be a serious long term commitment. I’m still a work in progress so on the rare occasions still have some self doubts but they are just the old fears but I have open communication with ‘B’ and her emotional awareness is amazing.

Like I said it wasn’t a fairytale it took graft and reaching an impasse in life to realise who I was, what I needed, etc. I hurt people and wasn’t always the mature well adjusted individual i am now.

‘B’ inspired that change within me. I love the me I am with her. So I can’t wait (for more than one reason ahaha) to cement our union.

We have already given our notice to marry but would like to keep the date private but yes I’ll let you know once we’ve officially tied the knot.

It’s possible to increase your pool or re educate your attraction patterns – I don’t know if you can as you seem very stuck in your ways. I’m a very curious and reflective person so I took it upon myself to research and rectify my issues, maybe you need to try engage with a relationship coach or therapist?

Glossing over your needs in a relationship isn’t healthy either. It should be a relationship where you are both genuinely happy to step up for one another. That means you need someone who emotionally understands your needs and can work with you rather than demand things on their terms only! That is a trait of a selfish partner.

With the “in between man” – did he state he was looking for a serious relationship or even state his intentions?

It appears to be just your common fleeting holiday romance and the type of man who enjoys the chase itself.

Whereas maybe you got caught up in your own expectations, the idea of what you’ve imagined so automatically expect the other person to make that happen. That is something you can definitely work on. Not expect the same reactions from others.

Listening to your intuition helps you avoid unhealthy relationships and situations.  Your gut instinct is not infallible though especially if you’ve been hurt before. Those fears can make everything murky.

If you have doubts, the best advice I can give you is bring them up to your partner first. That will guide your feelings, how your partner reacts is very telling. A healthy relationship involves emotional growth and understanding, compassion and patience.

I’d also like to point out men if they are not looking to have a serious relationship will throw out those red flags, so don’t fall into the trap of overlooking those.

Often they throw out these phrases to appease their own guilt when they lead you on. No accountability required. Sign of an emotionally stunted man, so don’t let your own emotions cloud your judgement.

Remember not everyone is you (monogamous) and with sincere intent. There are many narcs, catfishers and snakes out there who will gladly use you for their own gains.

In summary, I kind of think analysing the situation with your B is sinking you further into that rabbit hole. So please do not be offended but I don’t think I should encourage the analysis any further.

It’s been such a long time, you need to decide is he someone you want to take a punt on?

If he is you’ll automatically throw caution to the wind and confront the man for answers and clarity. If he is what you believed then it will have a chance to prosper. If he is someone who just used you for an emotional affair then that’s a blessing too you finally can bury the past and move on.

As Sammy rightly said if you’re thoughts are transfixed on him you’ll never give another man a chance. So you are the only one who is standing in the way of your own happiness.

If you feel it’s unfinished, finish it. No excuses, its too early, it’s too x, y, z. At the end of it all if he wants you he will go for it. Just like ‘B’ did with me. It was a risk for her too but the feeling of wanting it clearly overpowered everything else.

@Sammy @Kkasxo you both doing ok?

@NBC

How interesting – I’m really surprised to read with regular proximity, all of your single male friends have never made a move on you.

Have you ever been curious enough to ask why?

You mentioned you are a serious monogamous type and already in love before the first date or feel nothing – I’m curious to know how that is possible if you’ve never been able to create something out of a friendship? Would you say it’s more infatuation rather than love?

I’ve mentioned before I fear your all or nothing mentality is detrimental in your relationships.

Looking for someone who meets your needs doesn’t necessarily mean you dump all your crap on them. Each one of us has ups and downs so it is comforting to have a person in your corner who is your anchor.

But it requires a fine balance, you have to give in return. If there’s a fair exchange then it will make your partner feel secure and attraction.

If you constantly dump, then your partner will no doubt feel ‘overwhelmed’ or ‘parental’ or like a ‘therapist’.

So if you can not offer anything to form a healthy relationship then yes, fix your own crap first! I did before reuniting with ‘B’.

With your B, clearly for such in depth analysis there is something unfinished. That could be because you’re valuing yourself based on how others value you. If B hasn’t contacted you, wanting to get back together, then you feel unwanted and get that awful feeling about yourself. It may have absolutely nothing to do with you though too and you simply feel purely your story with him is incomplete.

Considering the amount of time you spend with him on your mind, no matter how much you analyse and try to gain meaning it will not help, further questions will continue to arise as you’re unable to fill in the blanks.

My honest advice is you confront it head on and ask him for a 1 to 1 meet and say how you feel. The longer you leave it the more time wasted, you need clarity. Other than ego is there anything holding you back?

When we really want and believe in something we muster the courage to overcome the fear. Fortune favours the brave.

Just a point I’ve recalled, us men can say stupid things at times especially when we have missed someone, when I met B to clear the air, I also ended up uttering I thought you would have contacted me first, needless to say it didn’t go down too well either.

There’s an element of self doubt and self esteem issue underlying all this but that’s something only you can fix within. No matter how much someone else tries to reassure you,until you accept it. Words will feel hollow.

Food for thought- don’t ever place too much focus on what others perceptions are. You are the only one who knows the person on an intimate level and the intricacies of your relationship. Learning to trust your own instincts is key in keeping the bad eggs away.

If it was mimicry, to do that for an extended period of time would make him manipulative, men can be and if that’s the case then you also have to realise you accepted that treatment which takes you back to the whole possible self esteem issue. Manipulative men prey on insecure women.

Hi @NBC

To begin, mothers certainly do know best so I would follow her advice especially if it’s in line with mine 😉

Us men are useless at taking hints, so I’m not surprised those men,  even though you were instantly averse, kept trying they probably thought you were playing hard to get. Sometimes if there’s a challenge element it makes you more enticing and ego plays a role too.

It’s great you do not lead on or exhibit game playing. Take it from me it is infantile and immature behaviour which if a person hasn’t outgrown by high school indicates a serious lack of emotional intelligence and growth!

Your soul will feel better for it if you are 100% transparent and honest, even if that means rejecting someone.

Unless you’re the serious monogamous type one date is not dating, it’s an initial feeler to gauge if you should go on another date. It may just be a case of you need to accept it’s a simple number game and requires a bit of luck. If you really have a strong sense of self maybe you need to consider if there is any criteria you can relax or re educating yourself on. That may help stop you automatically filtering out many people before you have really given them a chance because amongst the ‘duds’ you might just find a ‘rough diamond’

Online dating is a lottery. If you’re patient enough you may end up finding a few you could see yourself with but then you have to count on that feeling being returned. For me it was always for casual purposes but I just happened to stumble across ‘B’ .

Falling for the potential is the worst thing you can do. You have to take things at face value. Where is this person at this given moment and is this person meeting my needs. Hedging bets on the person becoming the version you desire is most likely going to end in heartbreak.

I wouldn’t talk to him but you clearly haven’t moved on, you still want to bump into him or fantasising so there’s something still unfinished. If that feeling keeps niggling away beneath the surface then confront it. You need peace of mind one way or another. Unlike ‘B’ you haven’t reached peace on your own like she did with me. She was content if I never contacted her again. She pursued her happiness. She would never have contacted me first after I rebuffed her when she expressed her concern for me and my brother. She still cared but wanted to respect herself.

I think any heartfelt confession remains with you. Any sincerity is always remembered. So I’m sure even though he hasn’t been in touch unless he’s a narc, he will think about you too.

There’s never a textbook method that applies to all. Some love connections or stories do take the woman to do the chasing. That doesn’t mean the bond is any less because it didn’t fit the stereotypical examples we are fed. What you should focus on is this person deserving of the effort, does he meet your needs. Do you want another chance?

How you should approach it – well I think both your examples should be combined. Express your genuine emotions he left a lasting impression and questions and he needs to accept some accountability for his role . At the end of the day if you two are meant to be, the conversation shouldn’t be so difficult. It should be mature,  balanced and truthful.

When you start to make excuses for behaviour, that is YOU not exerting your boundaries. So if you are placating or minimising your own emotions so you can be happy ever after let me tell you that will never work. If he has made you feel a certain way then you are entitled to express that, his handling will show you what kind of person he is.

It’s been some time now since we spoke so do you feel any different. I’m glad you don’t get anxious from a late reply. I’m incredibly busy of late so I apologise if I don’t get back in a timely manner.

It’s a bloody shame you missed @Shelbyville presence. I think you’d learn from her greatly. I’ve tagged in case it triggers a response from the notification.

@Sammy mate you going ok?

@Kkasxo do let me know you’ve survived Covid, no response is concerning !!